30 лучших рассказов британских писателей / 30 Best British Short Stories
Составление комментариев Н. Самуэльян
В оформлении обложки использована репродукция картины «Леди, читающая у окна» художника Томаса Бенджамина Кеннингтона (18561916)
© Самуэльян Н. А., составление комментариев, 2014
© ООО «Издательство «Эксмо», 2015
A.J. Alan
My Adventure in Norfolk
I dont know how it is with you, but during February my wife generally says to me: Have you thought at all about what we are going to do for August? And, of course, I say, No, and then she begins looking through the advertisements of bungalows to let.
Well, this happened last year, as usual, and she eventually produced one that looked possible. It said: Norfolk Hickling Broad Furnished Bungalow Garden Garage, Boathouse, and all the rest of it Oh and plate and linen. It also mentioned an exorbitant rent. I pointed out the bit about the rent, but my wife said: Yes, youll have to go down and see the landlord, and get him to come down. They always do. As a matter of fact, they always dont, but thats a detail.
Anyway, I wrote off to the landlord and asked if he could arrange for me to stay the night in the place to see what it was really like. He wrote back and said: Certainly, and that he was engaging Mrs. So-and-So to come in and oblige me, and make up the beds and so forth.
I tell you, we do things thoroughly in our family I have to sleep in all the beds, and when I come home my wife counts the bruises and decides whether they will do or not.
At any rate, I arrived, in a blinding snowstorm, at about the most desolate spot on Gods earth. Id come to Potter Heigham by train, and been driven on (it was a good five miles from the station). Fortunately, Mrs. Selston, the old lady who was going to do for me, was there, and shed lighted a fire, and cooked me a steak, for which I was truly thankful.
I somehow think the cow, or whatever they get steaks off, had only died that morning. It was very er obstinate. While I dined, she talked to me. She would tell me all about an operation her husband had just had. All about it. It was almost a lecture on surgery. The steak was rather underdone, and it sort of made me feel I was illustrating her lecture. Anyway, she put me clean off my dinner, and then departed for the night.
I explored the bungalow and just had a look outside. It was, of course, very dark, but not snowing quite so hard. The garage stood about fifteen yards from the back door. I walked round it, but didnt go in. I also went down to the edge of the broad, and verified the boathouse. The whole place looked as though it might be all right in the summertime, but just then it made one wonder why people ever wanted to go to the North Pole.
Anyhow, I went indoors, and settled down by the fire. Youve no idea how quiet it was; even the waterfowl had taken a night off at least, they werent working.
At a few minutes to eleven I heard the first noise thered been since Mrs. Whats-her-name Selston had cleared out. It was the sound of a car. If it had gone straight by I probably shouldnt have noticed it at all, only it didnt go straight by; it seemed to stop farther up the road, before it got to the house. Even that didnt make much impression. After all, cars do stop.
It must have been five or ten minutes before it was borne in on me that it hadnt gone on again. So I got up and looked out of the window. It had left off snowing, and there was a glare through the gate that showed that there were headlamps somewhere just out of sight. I thought I might as well stroll out and investigate.
I found a fair-sized limousine pulled up in the middle of the road about twenty yards short of my gate. The light was rather blinding, but when I got close to it I found a girl with the bonnet open, tinkering with the engine. Quite an attractive young female, from what one could see, but she was so muffled up in furs that it was rather hard to tell.
I said:
Er good evening anything I can do.
She said she didnt know what was the matter. The engine had just stopped, and wouldnt start again. And it had! It wouldnt even turn, either with the self-starter or the handle. The whole thing was awfully hot, and I asked her whether there was any water in the radiator. She didnt see why there shouldnt be, there always had been. This didnt strike me as entirely conclusive. I said, wed better put some in, and see what happened. She said, why not use snow? But I thought not. There was an idea at the back of my mind that there was some reason why it was unwise to use melted snow, and it wasnt until I arrived back with a bucketful that I remembered what it was. Of course goitre.
When I got back to her shed got the radiator cap off, and inserted what a Danish friend of mine calls a funeral. We poured a little water in.... Luckily Id warned her to stand clear. The first tablespoonful that went in came straight out again, red hot, and blew the funeral sky-high. We waited a few minutes until things had cooled down a bit, but it was no go. As fast as we poured water in it simply ran out again into the road underneath. It was quite evident that shed been driving with the radiator bone dry and that her engine had seized right up.