"No, no, I don't drive you away, no!" said Nastenka, concealing her confusion as best she could, poor child.
"You don't drive me away? No! But I meant to run from you myself. I will go away, but first I will tell you all, for when you were crying here I could not sit unmoved, when you wept, when you were in torture at beingat beingI will speak of it, Nastenkaat being forsaken, at your love being repulsed, I felt that in my heart there was so much love for you, Nastenka, so much love! And it seemed so bitter that I could not help you with my love, that my heart was breaking and I I could not be silent, I had to speak, Nastenka, I had to speak!"
"No, no, I don't drive you away, no!" said Nastenka, concealing her confusion as best she could, poor child.
"You don't drive me away? No! But I meant to run from you myself. I will go away, but first I will tell you all, for when you were crying here I could not sit unmoved, when you wept, when you were in torture at beingat beingI will speak of it, Nastenkaat being forsaken, at your love being repulsed, I felt that in my heart there was so much love for you, Nastenka, so much love! And it seemed so bitter that I could not help you with my love, that my heart was breaking and I I could not be silent, I had to speak, Nastenka, I had to speak!"
"Yes, yes! tell me, talk to me," said Nastenka with an indescribable gesture. "Perhaps you think it strange that I talk to you like this, but speak! I will tell you afterwards! I will tell you everything."
"You are sorry for me, Nastenka, you are simply sorry for me, my dear little friend! What's done can't be mended. What is said cannot be taken back. Isn't that so? Well, now you know. That's the startingpoint. Very well. Now it's all right, only listen. When you were sitting crying I thought to myself (oh, let me tell you what I was thinking!), I thought, that (of course it cannot be, Nastenka), I thought that you I thought that you somehow quite apart from me, had ceased to love him. ThenI thought that yesterday and the day before yesterday, Nastenkathen I wouldI certainly wouldhave succeeded in making you love me; you know, you said yourself, Nastenka, that you almost loved me. Well, what next? Well, that's nearly all I wanted to tell you; all that is left to say is how it would be if you loved me, only that, nothing more! Listen, my friendfor any way you are my friendI am, of course, a poor, humble man, of no great consequence; but that's not the point (I don't seem to be able to say what I mean, Nastenka, I am so confused), only I would love you, I would love you so, that even if you still loved him, even if you went on loving the man I don't know, you would never feel that my love was a burden to you. You would only feel every minute that at your side was beating a grateful, grateful heart, a warm heart ready for your sake. Oh Nastenka, Nastenka! What have you done to me?"
"Don't cry; I don't want you to cry," said Nastenka getting up quickly from the seat. "Come along, get up, come with me, don't cry, don't cry," she said, drying her tears with her handkerchief; "let us go now; maybe I will tell you something. If he has forsaken me now, if he has forgotten me, though I still love him (I do not want to deceive you) but listen, answer me. If I were to love you, for instance, that is, if I only. Oh my friend, my friend! To think, to think how I wounded you, when I laughed at your love, when I praised you for not falling in love with me. Oh dear! How was it I did not foresee this, how was it I did not foresee this, how could I have been so stupid? But. Well, I have made up my mind, I will tell you."
"Look here, Nastenka, do you know what? I'll go away, that's what I'll do. I am simply tormenting you. Here you are remorseful for having laughed at me, and I won't have you in addition to your sorrow. Of course it is my fault, Nastenka, but goodbye!"
"Stay, listen to me: can you wait?"
"What for? How?"
"I love him; but I shall get over it, I must get over it, I cannot fail to get over it; I am getting over it, I feel that. Who knows? Perhaps it will all end today, for I hate him, for he has been laughing at me, while you have been weeping here with me, for you have not repulsed me as he has, for you love me while he has never loved me, for in fact, I love you myself. Yes, I love you! I love you as you love me; I have told you so before, you heard it yourselfI love you because you are better than he is, because you are nobler than he is, because, because he"
The poor girl's emotion was so violent that she could not say more; she laid her head upon my shoulder, then upon my bosom, and wept bitterly. I comforted her, I persuaded her, but she could not stop crying; she kept pressing my hand, and saying between her sobs: "Wait, wait, it will be over in a minute! I want to tell you you mustn't think that these tearsit's nothing, it's weakness, wait till it's over."At last she left off crying, dried her eyes and we walked on again. I wanted to speak, but she still begged me to wait. We were silent. At last she plucked up courage and began to speak.