I drop the dress issue. Ill never be able to tell Mother I want to be a writer. Shell only turn it into yet another thing that separates me from the married girls. Nor can I tell her about Charles Gray, my math study partner last spring, at Ole Miss. How hed gotten drunk senior year and kissed me and then squeezed my hand so hard it shouldve hurt but it didnt, it felt wonderful the way he was holding me and looking into my eyes. And then he married five-foot Jenny Sprig.
What I needed to do was find an apartment in town, the kind of building where single, plain girls lived, spinsters, secretaries, teachers. But the one time I had mentioned using money from my trust fund, Mother had cried real tears. That is not what that moneys for, Eugenia. To live in some rooming house with strange cooking smells and stockings hanging out the window. And when the money runs out, what then? What will you live on? Then shed draped a cold cloth on her head and gone to bed for the day.
And now shes gripping the rail, waiting to see if Ill do what fat Fanny Peatrow did to save herself. My own mother is looking at me as if I completely baffle her mind with my looks, my height, my hair. To say I have frizzy hair is an understatement. It is kinky, more pubic than cranial, and whitish blond, breaking off easily, like hay. My skin is fair and while some call this creamy, it can look downright deathly when Im serious, which is all the time. Also, theres a slight bump of cartilage along the top of my nose. But my eyes are cornflower blue, like Mothers. Im told thats my best feature.
Its all about putting yourself in a man-meeting situation where you can
Mama, I say, just wanting to end this conversation, would it really be so terrible if I never met a husband?
Mother clutches her bare arms as if made cold by the thought. Dont. Dont say that, Eugenia. Why, every week I see another man in town over six feet and I think, If Eugenia would just try She presses her hand to her stomach, the very thought advancing her ulcers.
I slip off my flats and walk down the front porch steps, while Mother calls out for me to put my shoes back on, threatening ringworm, mosquito encephalitis. The inevitability of death by no shoes. Death by no husband. I shudder with the same left-behind feeling Ive had since I graduated from college, three months ago. Ive been dropped off in a place I do not belong anymore. Certainly not here with Mother and Daddy, maybe not even with Hilly and Elizabeth.
here you are twenty-three years old and Id already had Carlton Jr. at your age Mother says.
I stand under the pink crape myrtle tree, watching Mother on the porch. The day lilies have lost their blooms. It is nearly September.
I was not a cute baby. When I was born, my older brother, Carlton, looked at me and declared to the hospital room, Its not a baby, its a skeeter! and from there the name stuck. I was long and leggy and mosquito-thin, a record-breaking twenty-five inches at Baptist Hospital. The name grew even more accurate with my pointy, beak-like nose when I was a child. Mothers spent my entire life trying to convince people to call me by my given name, Eugenia.
Mrs. Charlotte Boudreau Cantrelle Phelan does not like nicknames.
By sixteen I wasnt just not pretty, I was painfully tall. The kind of tall that puts a girl in the back row of class pictures with the boys. The kind of tall where your mother spends her nights taking down hems[41], yanking at sweater sleeves, flattening your hair for dances you hadnt been asked to, finally pressing the top of your head as if she could shrink you back to the years when she had to remind you to stand up straight. By the time I was seventeen, Mother would rather I suffered from apoplectic diarrhea than stand up straight. She was five-foot-four and first-runner-up as Miss South Carolina. She decided there was only one thing to do in a case like mine.
Mrs. Charlotte Phelans Guide to Husband-Hunting, Rule Number One: a pretty, petite girl should accentuate with makeup and good posture. A tall plain one, with a trust fund.
I was five-foot-eleven but I had twenty-five thousand cotton dollars in my name and if the beauty in that was not apparent then, by God, he wasnt smart enough to be in the family anyway.
My childhood bedroom is the top floor of my parents house. It has white-frosting chair rails and pink cherubs in the molding. Its papered in mint-green rosebuds. It is actually the attic with long, sloping walls, and I cannot stand straight in many places. The box-bay window makes the room look round. After Mother berates me about finding a husband every other day, I have to sleep in a wedding cake.
And yet, it is my sanctuary. The heat swells and gathers like a hot-air balloon up here, not exactly welcoming others. The stairs are narrow and difficult for parents to climb. Our previous maid, Constantine, used to stare those forward-sloping stairs down every day, like it was a battle between them. That was the only part I didnt like about having the top floor of the house, that it separated me from my Constantine.