( у меня был тред на какомто крупном забугорным форуме по anxiety модному у них там термину и там были все эти правильнутые америкосовские бабы модераторы, котоыре летом и там меня заблокируют, но отдельно вот в дни этих постов я помню что там какаято не понимала что я имею ввиду ввиду под meet with dasha. я и сам не знаю как на инглише писать «встретиться с дашей», для многих это непонятно даже на русском, включая, по видимости, и саму выёбистую дашу,,, но там у забугорных они короче, как я потом понял, воспринмали это как date dasha, типа встречаться с дашей. и это есесно их возмущало, они не видели ни пользы ни даже возможности этого, и таким образом ещё больше считали меня психотическим неадекватом. короче у меня нигде нискем не было понимания всю жизнь по тем или иным причинам )
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12 02 18
As I said its not that simple to go to a therapist when youve only got $200 monthly, lost all your and parents lifes earning and have no opportunity to earn anything again. I eat $50 of my pension (my ration is chicken, cereals and tea), $70 for utility bills, and I have to save the rest for various emergency in the future. Im not going to suffer from toothache or be toothless (all my kindred are toothless and I hate being toothless as I hate my life), or to be left in this cell of a room without a computer when this one is down. I cannot help masturbating with anal perversions and experiments (this is the only thing that makes me feel like I do something real and natural, not this fake jerking off) and if something happens I dont want to die of peritonitis awaiting the govern healthcare.
Apart from that, there are other obstacles.
Ive called these four (for a six-million-people city) consultation centres today, two were busy (and they are known for ever lacking available times for a consultation, and also they are female-staffed and I need to speak to a male doctor), and the other two: the first begins to list at the end of the month and that will be for March or April I guess, and the second Ive got to call them on Thursday morning and maybe theyll have an available time for next week. The last one is that which I wrote about and they offer these cheap $20 consultations also, so Ill try to arrange one if on Thursday they dont have any for free.
I wasnt abused in my childhood any worse than the average child. All my mates back at school and kindergarten were raised by hysterical mothers, and also were beaten and reproached for bad behaviour and grades and all that. They are, of course, all no-lifers now (judging by photos), but they are not hysterical and neurotic like I am and have ever been. Never did I see them crying, nor they were so obsessed with sex and girls like I was, nor were they so envious and so perfectionistic, or so anxious over the matter of physical pain, death and dying. They liked fighting-schools, all that mortal combat stuff, and other male hobbies, and they now live in my home **** of a town, and are fully content there. When my mum went to that town in the summer of 2016 she met one of my schoolmates and she said everything was still the same with him: he was basking at the beach in the company of his mum and grandmums like back at 2002. I cant bear such infantility.
No one of the guys ended up developing an OCD issue, dropping out of school at so young age, and being an internet pervert and freak.
I was more neurotic than others from the very beginning. I am neurotic by genes (everyone on my mothers side was neurotic and hysterical) and because of some experience in the first two years of life. Bowlby explains it well, Im now reading his another book, preparing to argue with the therapist if he should be another moron and not understand my situation and believe I have schizophrenic and psychotic issues.
The consultations are 50 minutes long, as I learned today. Now I wonder how to tell all my story in so short a time, maybe its better to write everything on a paper and give it to him to read.
Of course I keep a journal, more than 1000 book-pages now, the bigger half of which I wrote through 2017.
>> Can I ask you why you think all of your previous therapists were morons?
Everyone becomes deaf to my explanation of the psychological reasons of my situation as soon as they get the information that I has already been diagnosed with some shizo-disrder in childhood. Especially it is true with therapists in govern mental-health institutions (to one of which Im going again). No one is going to re-diagnose anything and try to treat me psychologically. Theyll tie me to a bunk and give neuroleptics, nothing more. I have taken neuroleptics, nothing changed, I still was envious, wanted girls and normal life, was very depressed in thoughts. Nothing changed except these things: I couldnt cry tears, I had no will to do anything physically and I couldnt piss unless I shat. But everybody, except myself, were, of course, satisfied: I was quiet and not dangerous.
Im not going to any treatment, you take me wrong. Im going to get a therapists recommendation to meet with Dasha in person, thats all. Ill record it on tape (dictaphone in my mobilephone in my pocket, or even openly) and Ill send it to her so that she «consider the opportunity of meeting with me» at long last.
The fact that I met with that girl ( целуйтаня ) for money in 2011 and got rid of the gnawing desire to experience kiss and intimacy and for a whole week felt like I was another man, and now can resort to the remembrance of the smile she gave me after we had parted (she turned smiling and waved hand to me, although she could well not turn and go away), along with the fact that Ive ever become happier whenever I got the thing Id been wanting badly all this will be my arguments for the advisability to meet with her. Ive been obsessed with this desire since I lost money and with it all the hopes for other things. Even before that, to meet with Dasha had been becoming the most desired thing to do in life, and after the ruin of everything else it really became most desired. She has become kind of mystery to me, representing, posessing and having expirienced all the things I havent had and am not going to. I cannot stand it that Im being denied such a trifle as to see and know her in person, it torments me more and more.
As for getting a job, there are many obstacles, but the main one is this: Im not going to spend my lifetime earning money to treat myself for issues for developing of which I was not responsible (this is applicable to any issues, psychological and physical). And I even dont blame my parents for doing nothing, as long as social awareness of psychology and psychiatry is at so undevelopped a stage there is no one and nothing to blame, its just that Im unlucky. To spend life on treating problems with body and mind just doesnt make sense to me. I dont like to have a human body, dont like to live this life. Let the issues kill me, I dont mind.