потом мне показалось что ты меня простила, или вовсе настолько психологически устойчивая что и не обижалась, но в обоих случаях ты стала мне очень интересна и нравиться. и ты единственная кто после таких сообщений не забанил меня и аж пару лет отвечала и не банила, причём оставляя меня не для издёвок там каких-нибудь, не как явно прям шута. а я же очень мечтал о подруге всегда, и ближе к таковой у меня не было никого кроме тебя все эти годы. ты единственная за всю жизнь с кем я общался не «по делам», не на почве какого-то увлечения, а просто так.
ну я же объяснил что я не буду никогда в этой жизни знакомиться с чужими людьми, у меня с самого начала была эта проблема, и у меня нет денег чтобы пытаться это исправлять с какими-то психологами, я не вижу выхода совсем. ты единственная с кем у меня хоть что-то случайно было, ну побудь моей настоящей знакомой один часик, я знаю ты не любишь всякие игры притворство настоящей знакомой когда ты ею не являешься, но я же говорю что я и не прошу притворяться, для меня сам факт что ты согласилась уделить на меня час своей жизни был бы большим о чём я могу мечтать. я так хочу с хоть каким-нибудь толком жить эту жизнь, но я не могу развиваться, я не могу смириться что у меня отсутствует напрочь хоть частичная реализация моей главной мечты.
( какойто забугорной мизантропичке с реддита )
Hi. for some reason reddit has ceased to send me notifications on my email. I havent seen your email for 3 days, and its only now, btw, that ive noticed and read that youre female. I guess its really hard for you, with such a worldview, to live, especially if youre 24 and your misanthropy, or how do you call it, hasnt passed during younger years (which is, I think, usually the way of it). I too had all those thoughts at the age of 1114, but mine were soon transformed into the concern about my own psychological issues rather than the societys. So if youre seeking a real soul mate, I think there are better options than I. I agree that what you described about yourself are symptoms of peter-panism, partly I am a peter-pan too, but I came to realize that it is not a wrong society, bestiality, «world of pure evil» (moreover, this is too much peterpanian a term) I rebel against, and even not myself, but particular events of the earliest psychic and psychological development. Id be interested in talking, analyzing the reasons of your present condition, not the way of thinking and theories born of that condition. If you like to expand on your issue from the psychological point of view, what you think led you to such a state, what happened in the kindergarten, what affected your development, then Id serve as an interested listener (and a conversationalist maybe). Otherwise I just dont really concerned about society, cruelty, chimpanzee, thinking people farm animals, and all such things. I dont see, for instance, having a girlfriend as having something to do with hierarchy. I would gladly have one beisde me right now, go with her to the park, enjoy the snowy weather and later in the evening Id fuck and please her, never once remembering of any hierarchy. Had I not my accursed incurable psychological issues. Im getting obsessed with dreaming and desiring it more and more by the day. In fact, last couple of weeks Ive thought of nothing else. All day crying and wishing Id return to my youth and had had then normal life and a girlfriend. Cant sleep more than a 45 hours.
I cannot bear being deprived of any experience of intimacy with a girl (save when I bought kissing and sucking tits for $25, but that was more than 6 years ago) and now I try to find a model-looking girl to hug for $10 (I pay) in my city in russia (here some example photos of preferable girls features ссылкаs-вк/hochuobnimat). The criterions for a candidate are strict, and among others is that I only prefer girls who speak english as natives (I have a life long depression over not speaking english myself).
The other day I ended up writing a poem, or rather an advertisement in verses. Its my first poem in English (except 6 simple songs but those are about depression over inceldom and suicide).
Maybe somebody here would look through it and say if it is understandable???
Id have posted it somewhere on our english students forum, but I am banned there, for I was constantly going on about suicide if not getting CPE certificate and the envy of people who have it. especially pretty girls.
From the Nevas cold stony shores
I write. Im almost twenty-five.
Being afflicted with disorders
I lead a wreckage of a life.
To be short, I look for a lass
Both pretty and high-educated,
Ideally, who exams passed
And has C2 in English stated.
To such a girl without delay
Five hundred rubles I will pay
To have with her but half an hour
Of talk and hugging in some bower.
Im a perfectionist, you see
(Myself, though, little Ive achieved),
Most beautiful and bright is she,
The one whose image Ive conceived.
On my lame English fain Id work,
Or else through Shakespeares lays trudge on,
If I was not so sorely irked
By wanting what I have not done.
Ive cried my youth away, daydreaming;
Lost time, health, nerves, beyond redeeming;
And ever Ive lacked nought but this:
Requited loves embrace and kiss.
I cannot read, nor sleep, I pine,
All day a-crying in my room.
Around the park I stroll sometimes
Yet plunging all the more in gloom.
As what to do, few are my options:
Either to kill myself (I cant),
Or, if I dont die of exhaustion,
One day to find Her, as Ive planned.
It being for money, somewhat odd,
Ill ask no kissing, take my word.
Some cuddle, talk, hugs and caress
Will surely make me suffer less.