Yury Tomin - Enjoy, Comprehend, Love. Entering the Spaces of Conscious Love стр 5.

In psychology, the romance of being in love is traditionally viewed within the framework of attachment theory, which relies on patterns of mother-child relationships. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov expanded attachment theory with the concept of limerence to characterize a special romantic state that suddenly fills the minds of lovers and is experienced by them, as a rule, prior to the implementation of sexual intercourse. In the process of forming attachment to a limerent object, emotions of adoration and admiration involuntarily arise, accompanied by uninvited obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation. The state of limerence can be quite long, but it is unstable and turns into a caringly tender relationship of partners or spouses. However, its irreversible sad extinction is also possible.

Such a case about two centuries ago was vividly described by Nikolai Karamzin in Poor Liza: Their dates continued; but how everything has changed! Erast could no longer be content with only the innocent caresses of his Lisa  her glances filled with love  one touch of the hand, one kiss, one pure embrace. He wished for more, more, and, finally, could not desire anything  and whoever knows his heart, who has contemplated the nature of his most tender pleasures, will certainly agree with me that the fulfillment of all desires is the most dangerous temptation of love. Liza was no longer for Erast this angel of purity, which had previously inflamed his imagination and delighted his soul.

This love story is also significant in that other horizons were opening up for Erast, and he conceived a noble transformation of his Self: All the brilliant fun of the great world seemed to him insignificant in comparison with the pleasures that this passionate friendship of an innocent soul nourished his heart. With disgust, he thought of contemptuous voluptuousness, which used to be his pleasure before. I will live with Liza, like brother and sister, he thought, I will not use her love for evil, and I will always be happy!

Perhaps the case of Erast can be declared a common noun for all those cases when the impulses of a soul in love are noble, but the mind and will of love for the transformation of the personality are too weak. Observing the cases of Erast, one can only lament after Nikolai Karamzin: Reckless young man! Do you know your heart? Can you always be responsible for your movements? Is reason always the king of your feelings?

The question of understanding oneself and the ability of self-interpretation is more acute than ever in a state of love, and perhaps here either a big step is being taken towards the ancient call Know thyself, or our Self becomes even more fragmented and settles in the dark corners of consciousness.

Not long before Karamzin, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe asked the question of what is the human heart in his famous novel The Sorrows of Young Werther.

Perfectly aware of the devilish power of fantasies that people would suffer much less if they did not develop the power of imagination in themselves so diligently, Werther nevertheless becomes a victim of his own irresistible passion. He is forced to admit: A man will always remain a man, and that grain of reason, which he, perhaps, possesses, almost or does not matter at all when passion rages and he becomes cramped within the framework of human nature. Goethe paints a heartfelt picture of a pure passion, as Napoleon put it, great passion, which almost entirely grows only from the heros romantic fantasies, but this does not become less suicidal. It is no coincidence that Werther feels a kindred spirit in children and is touched by their innocent persistence of desires.

What could be the reason for such an exceptional destructive passion? If we assume, as Werthers beloved does, that the reason for this is the very fact of her inaccessibility, then the whole point is in the manic obsession of desire. However, Werthers incurable suffering is different. He finds himself in a double trap: passion deprives him of reason and thus of human nature, but the belittling of passion will mean the loss of his own unique human appearance. Werthers sensitive heart knows that high passion subjugates the soul, and when nature cannot find a way out of the tangled labyrinth of contradictory forces, man dies.

Another extreme manifestation of passion is its overwhelming preoccupation with sexual arousal. However, as exciting as the sexual experience is, something tells lovers that the sexual component of passion is less connected with a specific object of love than romantic. Perhaps Konstantin Balmont and Alexander Blok guessed about this in their poems:

Summarizing our reasoning about passion as the motivational energy of falling in love, we note the mutual influence of its two components  sexual desire and romantic attraction. Moreover, the sexual drive is largely determined and transformed by our imagination, which, in turn, is abundantly nourished by romantic fantasies. But this transformation of sexual passion is only a possibility, the realization of which depends on individual dramatic improvisations. In everyday life, everything is much more prosaic. And as if David Samoilov is trying to warn people against the flat, ordinary intoxication with passion in his verses:

Passion ingredients: 1) imagination, fantasies, archetypal images; 2) erotic arousal, irresistible desire, the cycle of sexual response.

Intimacy

In a state of love, intimate relationships also develop, which include such emotional experiences as closeness, connectedness, bondedness. We can say that feelings of intimacy are formed from the sensation of a common inner space. In this area of experience, feelings permeated with warmth are born and poured out on loved ones. In a narrow sense, intimacy boils down to a frank relationship and understanding of each other. If we take into account the tacitly implied conditions of intimacy, then it should include acceptance, trust, respect, honesty, support, care.

In the transformation of the personality of lovers, intimate relationships play an important role. In particular, the determining factor for the expansion of the Self is the process of deepening openness to each other. Partners share with each other their innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Also, such personality traits and qualities are revealed that have not yet settled down, are, as it were, in the project. Exposing the innermost has two sides. It allows you to gain determination and confidence in the embodiment of your aspirations according to the principle: He called himself a load  climb into the back but also puts lovers in a vulnerable position  the gap between word and deed can greatly devalue your image in the eyes of your partner, and misunderstanding or indifference on his part can clip the wings of your castles in the air.