We got our keys and came into the lift.
The first thing I wanted to do after I took a shower was to go to the beach. And so we did. Mum wanted this as well. Especially if I hadnt been to the beach for more than a year.
Last year, we travelled to Torquay. It wasnt that hot there. Neither was there a lot of sun. It was near to impossible to sunbathe there, so I got almost no tan.
But this year, itd be vice versa. Id get tanned (I hope not sunburned). And the main things that Id be swimming a lot. I hope therell be no sharks. Ive heard theyre quite dangerous. Can they eat a person? Or even two? Or three..?
Anyway, after we took a shower, we went to the beach. Fortunately, it wasnt three miles away from our hotel, as it happens sometimes. It was located right within the hotel territory! What a good luck!
I like swimming. I like swimming a lot and looking at the fish. I like looking at the corals deep down at the bottom of the sea. Of course, I wear special glasses. So I did now.
But wait, where was all the flora and fauna? Or had I brought all my equipment here in vain? That just couldnt be.
I wanted to talk to a fish. And whatd I do now? Talk to the empty water?
Id like to make some friends. Talking friends. Talking fish. But it seems like no one in the water would like to talk to me. Pity.
In the films and cartoons, they show how the main characters make fish friends. And what about me..?
No animal wants to make friends with me. Well, then, I want to make friends with no animal!
(And Id never wanted to make friends with animals since they dont want to make friends with me!)
When I was 13, Mum took me to the zoo. There were so many people! And so many animals! I wonder how they werent fed up with each other, but I already felt theyd been fed up with me, even if I had just appeared in the zoo. A bird was looking at me so angrily I wanted to go back home. Mum asked what the matter was, for she noticed nothing wrong with the bird. Maybe he was in a bad mood. Maybe hed had a bad day, or something had happened to his birdie friend. A birdie friend! She was a birdie indeed! And not just a birdie, but even a smarty! Another one looking at me angrily! Actually, that is the reason why I dont like animals.
Anyway Whos that man looking at me? Hes so nice, and handsome! A lifeguard. Yes, he is. Sitting in the observation tower. Big round brown eyes, muscles all over his body, the sun having tanned his skin. A Greek god, not a man!
I swam a little bit and got back to shore. Our deck chair was placed near that lifeguard, so he was literally staring at me while I was sitting there.
It seemed like I fell in love.
I thought: «Is he married..?»
I hoped he wasnt.
3.
26 July 1972
Agadir, Morocco
And so, we went to the beach every day. Four days passed. No, not four. Maybe five. Or six. I dont remember.
I noticed that I began to feel shy when coming up to this man. I started to avoid him. And he looked so surprised when I did that. I think he even was about to laugh at me!
How unfair. No man can laugh at me. Just because Im a good person. Im not a bad girl. Im not that kind of girl either.
So, I showed him my tongue. Let him know Im a good one. Now, he literally laughed at me. Mum asked what the matter was. I explained that this man was too cheeky with me and that hed been laughing at me all the time. But she said I had an inferiority complex.
27 July 1972
Agadir, Morocco
I didnt sleep for the whole night. Thinking about this man. Taking into account that Mum and me were in ONE room (we didnt have that much money for TWO ones), she was angry at my rolling over in my bed for the whole night. At 6 a. m., she asked what had happened. I answered nothing. When she tried to fall asleep for the second time, I started rolling over again.
In the morning, I looked in the mirror. How horrible! Pouches under my eyes and pale skin. As if Id been ill.
Of course, I didnt want to go to the beach with looks like that. So, Mum asked whatd happened. I answered nothing. She suspected that something was wrong with me, but I didnt want to tell her what the matter really was.
So, I began to cry. Mum started to worry about me. And she also started to keep an eye on me. It seemed like she guessed the reasons of my behaviour perfectly.
So, she said she wouldnt let me out without herself. Although Im already an adult.
Well, I understand her really well. She loves me and meant only well to me. But shed laugh at me if I told her the truth!
Yes. I wanted to see him. That man. The lifeguard. I wanted him to marry me. I wanted him to live with me for the rest of my life and take care of me. I wanted him to call me the best girl ever. The most beautiful girl ever.
I wanted him to look at me for all the time.
Is there anything bad in these wishes? No, I think there isnt. People around me may think (and they actually do!) there is. But what..?
I started to make up an escape plan.
4.
28 July 1972
Agadir, Morocco
In fact, I like going outside. Especially when its sunny. The same here, in Agadir. The only exception is that I couldnt go outside our hotel: the evil locals would finish me off because I was a white person and because I wore open clothes: my head, hands and legs were uncovered. And they despise such people. But maybe they just didnt like me..?
So, that day, I decided to run away for an hour. Just. For. One. Hour. To. See. Him.
I hoped Mum didnt see me get out of the window. Our room was on the ground floor, so it didnt cost me much effort. She was in the shower at the time.
I put on my swimming suit and escaped, looking back. Fortunately, there was nobody around. I strolled towards the beach.
And there he was this man, looking at the sea! How romantic!
I decided to have a swim. I didnt want to COME UP to him anyway. I just wished to SEE him. Well, its rather impolite to approach the man first. Its him that must take the initiative, isnt it?
And he didnt even look at me! Or, he did, but he didnt let me know that. I think he just despised me too. Then, why ignore me if he didnt?
I swam up to the buoys and back. Then, I decided to have one more swim. Why not? Mum still hadnt noticed my absence and didnt come here to call for me. Would she be angry with me if she found out the reason of all that? A hundred percent she would. Zero percent she wouldnt.
Suddenly, I felt bad. What was up with me? No, I didnt eat anything expired. I just couldnt move.
I tried to swim back to the shore. Though I couldnt. Id got quite far away from the beach. Right up to the buoys.
I was about to faint. Then, I started to drown.
And then Only darkness.
5.
«Where am I? I dont understand anything!» These were my first thoughts when I came to my senses. What was happening around me?..
«Hey, are you all right?» a mans voice asked.
I opened my eyes. It seemed like I was about to die today. I raised myself upon my elbow.
Actually, I wasnt all right, but still, I wasnt dead either. So let him think I was all right.
«Yes, I am. And you?»
«Of course, I am too.»
He had saved my life! Oh, my saviour!
I asked, «Why so?»
He looked at me as if Id been crazy. Though I wasnt. He didnt say anything.