Theyd parted amicably enough, splitting their successful practice and their lives fifty-fifty.
Rachel closed her planner and dropped it onto the desk. She looked around at the spotless organization of her office and drifted to the window. Pressing her hand against the cool metal frame, she looked outside at the bustle. Students hurrying to class. A pair of professors talking intently. There was even a group of young men dodging and diving in the wintertime ritual of a snowball fight.
She turned and faced the empty silence of her office again.
Fifty-fifty. Half a life. Thats how shed felt for so long.
She cradled the precious being growing within her. She was honest enough to admit that fear of a life half-lived, as much as the loud ticking of her biological clock, had prompted her to visit the fertility clinic. Since she couldnt trust a man to make her happy, shed turned to her work, and shed turn to her baby. Theyd have a life together. A safe life. A life full of love, where an adult made a commitment and saw the relationship through, no matter what.
Satisfied with the choices she had made, Rachel ignored the babys protests and sat down to review her notes for an upcoming counseling session. Gradually, the chill from outside worked its way into the room. Rachel pulled her coat from the back of her chair and shrugged it around her shoulders.
The comforting rush of warmth reminded her of a similar feeling shed experienced earlier in the hallway. The idea of a warm hug made her think of Josh Tanner.
The big, brassy-haired student who distracted more than one set of female eyes during her lectures had hovered outside her office. Shed been relieved to find him standing there, strategically positioned between her and Davids buddies, Lance and Shelton. Had she imagined something more than idle curiosity had prompted him to stay and witness the exchange with David Brown? As improper as the thought might be, shed been grateful that hed hung around.
David hadnt actually threatened her. But shed still felt threatened.
If Josh Tanner hadnt been there, she would have been alone with David and his friends. That prospect was more unsettling than her fears of simply being alone.
Once David had left the office, shed felt Joshs gaze on her. Like that warm hug. In a moment of weak relief, shed ensnared herself in the bright-blue sky of his eyes. Those eyes had seemed older than they had in class when hed pulled that B.S. answer out of his hat. Theyd seemed kind. Concerned. For her. Hed been concerned for her.
Rachel shook aside the notion before that soft, tended feeling overtook her again. Josh Tanner had been raised right, that was all. The young man had compassion. No doubt shed projected some damsel-in-distress pheromone that had prompted him to hang around.
Whatever his reason, she was glad hed been there. For those few brief minutes in time, she hadnt felt quite so alone. Shed felt safe. Shed almost thanked him. No. Shed almost run into his arms and asked him to hold her. But rational thought had kicked in. Josh was a student. She was his professor, a good fifteen years his senior. It would hardly be ethical for her to turn to him for any personal sort of comfort.
Shed handle this threatif there really was anything to italone. If she could raise a baby by herself, she could handle a disgruntled student. She could tackle a piece of paper stuck on her windshield.
Shoving aside any lingering fears or fantasies, she reached for her planner again and thumbed to the page of phone listings. By the time shed punched in the number for the Washburn Fertility Clinic, her usual confidence had returned.
It was high time she found out who Daddy was.
Chapter Two
Dr. Livesay, all due respect, but you dont know what its like to lose a baby.
Lucy Holcomb sat in the chair across from Rachel, wringing her hands. The twenty-year-old was even more nervous than usual today. Was she still taking her prescribed antidepressant medication? Or was there some new crisis turning the young womans life upside down?
Rachel resisted the urge to stand and pace, keeping her eight months of pregnant belly out of Lucys direct line of sight. Its true I havent personally experienced what youre going through, and I cant fix it for you. But I can help by listening. Look at all the progress youve made so far.
Lucy tossed her curly chestnut hair over one shoulder and stood to circle the room. Twice. Ever since the miscarriage, its like Kevin and I are fighting all the time. I blame him because he wasnt around when the contractions started, and he blames me because I didnt take care of the baby.
You know its no ones fault, Rachel reminded her. Your O.B. doctor told you as much. There was something wrong with the development of the fetus, and your body handled the situation with a spontaneous abortion. You were progressing with your pregnancy just as the doctor had ordered. Sometimes tragedies like that happen, and, unfortunately, theres nothing you can do about it.
But the guilt Tears welled up in Lucys eyes and overflowed. Its not just grief. I feel so guilty.
Rachel finally stood and took Lucy a tissue. She leaned her hip against the desk in a casual pose. Thats normal. You cant beat yourself up over that. We all deal with loss in different ways. Feel different emotions. This is the way thats right for you.
Lucys mascara blotched in circles around her big, brown eyes. She blew her nose into the tissue. But Kevin is so angry with me. Sometimes hes sad and we cry about it and we talk. Then, next thing I know, hes on my case over every little thing.
Her outburst of tears ended on a tiny hiccup. He says we should have another baby.
Rachel kept her face a placid mask. Oh lord, two kids barely out of their teens, dealing with the loss of one child, anxious to dive into pregnancy again.
Do you want another baby?
I dont know. Maybeif its what Kevin wants.
What about what you want? I think you and Kevin should talk some more.
But thats the problem. He wont just sit and talk to me like he used to. Lucys gaze lit on Rachels protruding stomach. Maybe a new baby would make him pay attention to me again.
Lucy, you and Kevin have issues you need to resolve before you engage in unprotected sex again. Creating a new life wouldnt solve the problems of the existing one. Would he come in and talk with me?
I dont know. Lucy shrugged helplessly. I could ask him.
If not me, I can give you some names of several reputable counselors.
Okay.
Her phone buzzed and Rachel leaned back over her desk to read the number of the incoming call. It was a message shed been expecting. Rachel stood and smiled at Lucy. Theyd run a few minutes over their scheduled time already. I need to take this. Will you be okay?
Lucy sniffed. Sure.
Rachel urged Lucy to check out the bathroom and freshen her makeup before venturing out to catch her bus. Ill see you next week, wont I? Even if Kevin doesnt come with you?
The young woman dredged up half a smile that revealed the beauty in her face and made her seem terribly young to be dealing with such heavy emotions. Ill be here.
Good. Ill see you then. Call if you need to.