Make tea or coffee, sit down with the grieving person, and listen
Let the grieving person talk when they are ready. Dont ask how they feel and dont tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Instead, say: «Would you like to talk?», or just listen. This is what is needed most at this moment: quiet support.
Dont say or pretend that you know how they feel
The truth is, you dont. Comparing losses and tragedies is never helpful. Dont pity the grieving person, but do express sympathy. Being next to the grieving person can make us feel helpless and awkward. It is better if you are honest and say: «I am not sure what to say to you or how to help you, but I want you to know I care. I am so sorry for your loss».
Often, the grieving person will ask: Why?
This is not a question, but an expression of pain. You cant answer that either, so simply reply: «I dont know».
Do not use formulated statements
Statements like Its all in Gods hands or It is Gods will or You will be alright soon are not helpful. They cant console, they sound fake, and they can be alienating. Better say nothing or offer a hug instead.
There is no schedule for grieving
There is no timeframe of how long the mourning and grieving will take. Be patient. Stand by the grieving person. Be there to listen to them. Share fond memories of the deceased. Most grieving people will find relief by talking about the deceased, and they love to hear stories about their lost one. Do not try to change the subject, but encourage these conversations. They are truly healing.
Respect all feelings the grieving person expresses
Encourage them to cry or vent out anger. Never say «You shouldnt feel like that». Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.
Remember: a grieving person may have low self-esteem and may blame themselves
This blame may apply for events leading to the death or for their relationship with the deceased. Encourage them to discuss this.
Help the grieving person take good care of themselves
Cook and eat together, go for walks, and encourage exercise. Rest, diet, and exercise are critical to restoring physical and mental well-being.
Do not offer tranquilizers or sleeping aids without a doctors advice
Much like alcohol and drugs, they may offer temporary relief, but will usually only hinder the healing process.
Chapter three. Stages of Grief
«Every one can master a grief but he that has it.»
William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing(15641616)Stages of grieving, as suggested by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are known to many as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In 1970, Bowlby and Parker suggested that the stages of grieving should be described as numbness, pining, disorganization, and reorganization. Whichever model of separating the stages is examined, it is important to know that the duration and intensity of each stage may vary greatly, that stages can overlap or occur together, and that a grieving individual can miss one or more stages altogether.
It is also not unusual for someone to go back and forth between the stages as important pieces of information about the nature or causes of death, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, and events in the family can newly aggravate grief symptoms and re-launch a grief stage from the past. Getting stuck in a stage or a major variation in the process may be considered pathological and would require a call for action, such as consulting a therapist for help.
Stage 1 Denial
Loss is always a shock, so the first reaction that follows the death of a loved one is denial of the fact that the loss has occurred. The loss seems unreal. The griever thinks he could turn back time, wake up, and everything will be as it was before the loss. It seems impossible that the person loved and lost could be no more. You know you sound irrational, but you still believe things could go back to how they were before, and that what you lost will return. It may be a way for your brain to shut down in an effort to self-preserve and block the first wave of pain. Thoughts like He has not died, She will be back, or He could not have left me are common in this stage.
Denial is also associated with isolation, where the grieving person will insist on being left alone and will require time to process what happened. This is absolutely normal. Give the person as much space and time as they need. A couple of days or weeks would be enough for this stage, but watch out if it lasts longer than a month. Make sure the person knows you are there for him or her, if they need to talk or just want «silent company». Suggest that you could go for a walk, drive around, visit the cemetery, or go to church together. Any shared activity could help the grieving person feel that life has not stopped and that they need to process their loss. Usually the stage of denial and isolation ends by itself as the grieving persons mind tapers into the «unsafe» territory of loss and begins to embrace it.
Stage 2 Anger
After you realize that you have lost something or someone who was dear to you, it is normal to start feeling angry. It is the first realization that the loss is real. When you start looking for something or someone to blame for the loss, you may feel guilty for not protecting your loved one or not being there when they died. Intense emotions enter, and you start to blame everything around you God, the Universe, your job/or responsibilities that kept you away, doctors, the healthcare system, people who were with the deceased at the time of death anyone or anything that could have contributed to the death or who, in your opinion, were not good enough to save your loved one. Questions come to your mind: Why me?, How could this happen to me?, Why would God not protect me and my loved one?. Anger and rage are normal at this stage; however, anger in grief is not akin to anger in ordinary daily life. The cause of this anger cant be undone: no one can make it right. Anger in grief is not directed at anyone in particular; therefore, it can involve anyone around the grieving person, even the grieving person him/herself.
If you are dealing with someone in the anger stage of grief, let the person vent their emotions, listen to him/her, and do not advise them to calm down or control themselves. Just be there and support them while looking after them to ensure they are safe and are not contemplating hurting themselves or others.
Stage 3 Bargaining
This stage comes when you start pondering if there was anything that you could have done differently to prevent the loss. You begin reflecting about how things could have been different: «This would not have happened if I did not do this or did not say that» or «If only we had gone to see a doctor earlier». It is a typical cognitive discussion, and in a way it is even helpful in reconstructing the events and causes leading to the death of a loved one. Often such bargaining processes help the grieving person receive approval from those around them, along with the reassurance that they could not have changed what happened, they did all they could, and that the loss was not their fault. This is one of the most critical stages of grieving and requires the most support from others. Listen to the person in the bargaining stage. Let them tell you all of their conditional thoughts, including what they think could or should have happened. Make sure to encourage them to share as much as possible, but do not interrupt them or tell them that their thoughts are irrational. Be gentle, take time to talk about everything, and reassure them that certain events in life are beyond our control. Suggest undertaking some activity that the deceased enjoyed, or always talked about experiencing, in the future. Be there when emotions start pouring out.