You will experience physical problems as you grieve
Our immune system is strongly influenced by our emotions. In times of acute stress, our bodies defenses are focused on restoring emotional and physical balance, and the immune systems ability to fight bacteria, viruses, and cancer cells is impaired. Loss of appetite or overeating, lack of sleep or lethargy, and lack of physical activity are just a few critical symptoms of grief. Therefore, when in grief, it is very important to take care of yourself. Fresh air, walks, rest, physical activity, and good food are essential to keep the body functioning and the immune system strong. Try to stay away from drugs, alcohol, or tranquilizing medications as these can delay your healing. Be good to yourself.
Grief brings despair
You may feel you have nothing to live for. Sometimes you might wish your life would end, to stop the pain. Please remember that you are not alone. Many people feel and think this way, but over time their pain lessened and they found a sense of meaning and went on living. Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps.
You may blame yourself for your mistakes
Some mistakes may be real, while others are imaginary. Talk about your thoughts with others: it helps. Find a therapist who works with grief if you feel that self-blame and guilt are hindering your healing. It is possible to find forgiveness and restructure even the heaviest guilt.
It is normal to feel angry when grieving
You may feel angry at the person who died (or left you alone), at other family members, at doctors or anyone who didnt save your loved one or did not do enough to help, at other families who have not lost their loved ones even at God and the whole Universe. Releasing your anger and working with it helps you heal. Suppressing anger leads to depression and harms you physically.
The death of a loved one can challenge your beliefs
These beliefs may be in God, in your religion, or in the justice of the Universe. There is nothing wrong with it. Many people find answers in their religion during times of grief: they find a deeper meaning of life, their faith, and overall philosophy.
The loss of your loved one may trigger grief for earlier losses that you had not resolved at the time when they occurred
Unresolved losses, guilt, and self-blame will need to be resolved as part of confronting your current loss. Think of this as a chance to heal your old wounds; to become free from carrying heavy old luggage.
Grief will evoke your own mortality issues and force you to re-evaluate your identity
Give yourself time to process these important aspects. Seek help, if necessary.
Give yourself permission to grieve
Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.
What Not to Say to a Grieving Person
«Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?»
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (18281910)Many grieving individuals are even more hurt by the sayings and meaningless phrases that are commonly said to someone who has lost a loved one. One of the most common is I know how you feel, my mom/dad/cousin/friend died last year. However, comparing tragedies and losses is never helpful. It is NOT what a grieving person needs to hear at the time of loss.
Below is a list of hurtful and damaging sayings that bring no relief to a grieving person. Some people dont even know why they say those things. Often the situation is awkward, and these words come to mind because we heard them from others, or heard our parents saying them in response to loss. Most of these sayings refer to getting over the loss quickly and offer advice on how to avoid the pain. But as I explain in this book, avoiding the pain and skipping the grieving stages (or going through them too quickly) is not a realistic expectation.
Trying to avoid the pain or reminders of loss is unhelpful, will backfire at a later stage, and will only cause more pain and destruction. Please consider avoiding common platitudes and click phrases and think about offering more thoughtful and meaningful support to a grieving person.
Platitudes and sayings to avoid include:
1. I know how you feel.
2. God has a plan for all of us.
3. Just look at all the things you have to be thankful for.
4. He is in a better place now.
5. God needed another angel.
6. At least he is not suffering anymore.
7. She is at peace now.
8. Everything is for the best.
9. Thank God, you/others are still alive. It could have been worse.
10. You still got your other kids/spouse/other parent.
11. Dont cry it will not change what happened, and will only upset you.
12. This, too, will pass.
13. He lived a full life.
14. God never gives you more than you can handle.
15. You need to get on with your life.
16. You are strong, you can handle this.
17. You must be strong for the kids/for others.
18. You will get over it in time.
19. Time heals all wounds.
20. In a year everything will be ok.
21. Youll be fine, just give it some time.
22. You are young, you could always have more children.
23. You need to be a man in the house now/you need to take over his/her duties now.
All of the above phrases are not helpful, can cause further pain and demonstrate to the person that the feelings of grief he/she experiences are not valid, should not be expressed or felt. Instead of saying these, please consider helping the grieving person by offering support from the examples listed below.
How to Help a Grieving Person
«You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.»
Jan Glidewell (19442013)When you find yourself next to a grieving person, do not be afraid. The death of a loved one is a natural event in life, and can happen to any of us. There are some basic rules on what to do and say. As we discussed, many of them will depend on the stage of grief a person is going through and the type of loss experienced. Here are some common tips on what to do or say to help someone in grief.
Be present
Just be there. Give the grieving person a hug or a kiss, hold their hand, and offer them a shoulder to cry on. Say «Im sorry», «I am here for you», «I care». Even if you dont know what to say, your presence provides comfort, and so is helpful.
Acknowledge the loss in an honest way
Do not avoid the words «died» or «killed», and do not substitute them for euphemisms like «passed away». Say «I heard that your father died. I am so sorry for your loss».
Make your presence felt by offering practical help
Do not say «Call me if there is anything I can do». Instead, say «Im going shopping. I can bring you bread, milk, or fruits. Is there anything else you need from the store?» Volunteer to take the children to school or take care of them at your house. Come and make lunch, or help with laundry and water plants. Make your presence felt.