What struck me the most though was that my grandfathers books, which were always so well positioned in their place, were now in heaps on the floor, yes, on the floor. How could that be? And there were so many of them, so many, why would he want so many? Would he have read them all? Well, I dont know if I had that thought at the time, or if it had come to me later, when I was a little older.
Every time I entered his office I would ask:
Grandpa, have you read all these books? All of them? Every one? There were books almost as far up as the ceiling and I was sure he couldnt even reach up there.
Yes, young Manu, and many more, he replied cheerfully, and Im sure youll do so too when youre older, because Im going to let you read all of them if you want to.
I was elated just looking at them, such colors, so thick, so many of them, and all placed there on their shelves. What patience he must have had to be able to have everything in order. He never let me touch them when I wanted to take one to see the pictures.
Little one, he told me, thats not to be touched. When youre older, if you behave yourself, Ill let you see them.
Now, looking distractedly at all these piles in front of me, I thought about how difficult it must have been for my grandfather to place his books on the shelves again, and to leave them all in place following that cleaning of the room. Yet my grandfather continued with his order and his readings, which years later he shared with Carmen, who was interested in the same subject, because she studied law just as he did.
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The owner of the bookstore had moved slowly, because he could barely walk. He assisted himself with an old cane, and still talking to us, he moved between the tables full of stacks of books to one in particular. With a trembling hand he pulled out two or three books from a stack and told me:
Here is everything you need young man, but I have to warn you about something. Using a mysterious voice, he asked me softly, his piercing eyes fixed on mine, So, if youre not a believer, what are you?
Im an atheist, I said very quietly, fearing his reaction, because I didnt know how else I could answer.
But, a real atheist? Or one of those whos just saying so because its fashionable? he asked me.
A real one, what do you think? That its like a sweater that I can put on or take off when it gets stained? I said a little seriously, because his observation had not gone down too well with me.
Alright, an atheist. You wont like hearing this, but I dont believe you are, he said seriously.
I really am, Im not deceiving you, I told him softly, although I dont know why we were talking quietly, only the librarian was there and she could hear us anyway.
Look young man, an atheist as I understand it, is someone who doesnt want to know anything about anything, he said very seriously, and even less so when it comes to these matters. Im not fooled, Im already too old and Ive seen many things, I can identify those people as soon as they open their mouths.
Yes, youre not wrong sir, I said, but were not all the same, Im not searching for anything else, only the answers, scientific ones if possible, to some events that happened in one place, nothing more.
As the conversation appeared very tense, the librarian, Pilar, as I had heard her being called earlier, subtly asked:
Do you have anything new that would interest me?
I always have something new, you know that, youre the one who doesnt want to visit me.
While they went on talking, I took a look at the books he had suggested to me. There were several, and I said to myself: Why so many on the same topic? I think one will be enough. Of course I didnt realize that the subject was important enough to warrant so much being written about it, and I wasnt aware that I was delving deeper and deeper into it.
Pilar approached me, because the old man had gone to the door as the postman had arrived and from there we heard him say:
Hello, did you bring me something today? he asked in a jolly tone.
Some document or other, its in here somewhere, the postman answered.
Its a good thing that at least someone remembers I exist, because if it werent for you, I wouldnt talk to anyone for days on end, the old man told the postman from the doorway of the bookstore.
That being said, I see you have lots of company today. Ill leave you to it, it seems that everyones decided to write today and I have a lot of work to be getting on with, said the postman leaving.
When he was alone, the gentleman slowly approached us again, while Pilar had begun to leaf through one of the books piled up in front of us.
I dont know this one, she said surprised, when did it arrive?
Exactly, I told you I had new material, the man answered smiling, because its been here, waiting for you to remember yes, I think a few months back.
I took a look at the book she had in her hands, it was in English, and it surprised me that she knew it, given how difficult it was. That language was my torment, French had been easy, but one day my father asked me:
Son, why dont you study English? just like that when he came into the house.
What for? Im never going to England, I said with wide eyes.
Well, you dont know that, and its always good to learn new things, he replied.
But Dad, I already have enough to deal with in my study books, I protested to get out of it, and I dont have much spare time, do you really want to complicate my life further?
Look, no more talk, Ive seen an academy where theyre going to start teaching classes in that language and I thought it was interesting. Ive been thinking about it on the way home and I think it would be good for you, he responded, answering the question definitively in that way he did when he didnt want to continue talking about something.
My grandparents were eating at our house that day, and my grandfather intervened immediately, agreeing with my father saying:
These boys never want to make any effort, with the beauty of studying and a language is always interesting.
Grandpa, said Chelito, beauty, beauty, sometimes its very difficult and boring what you have to read, and then theres all the work they give you, why is it needed? I dont get it.
Listen child, Im sure that, even though you dont understand it right now, when you grow up youll understand, and youll thank your parents who have made you study.
But why dont you study as a grown-up? Thats when you need it, she insisted.
Look, what would you think if your Mom only gave you food when you were older? How would you grow? Grandpa asked her.
But its not the same Grandpa, otherwise I would get very hungry and I would surely even die, said Chelito very seriously.
Well, its the same thing with your studies, you have to start them when youre young and build upon them as you grow up. Look, young Manu, he said looking at me.
Grandpa, Im older now, please call me Manuel, I said, half angrily.
But why do you want me to call you that? Then what do you have to call me? he said in a surprised tone.
Everyone at the table laughed and he went on.