Dont know anything about figger of retterick, growled Abe, who, his comrades said, had the evenest temper in the regiment, for he was always mad. But I do remember that he said that over several times, with a lot o other things without much pint to em, until I thought Id drop, I was so thirsty and tired.
Yes? Well, now if you want to get a good idea of what that expression meant, look over there. Not only his heart swells, but he swells all over.
I should think he did, replied Abe, after a moments inspection. Unless his hat has an Injy-rubber band, hell have to git it cut offen his head, which ought to be hooped, for it cant swell no more without busting.
It was Jacob Alspaugh crossing the parade ground in more than Solomonic splendor of uniform. His inflated form bore upon it all the blue and tinsel prescribed by the Army Regulations for the raiment and insignia of a First Lieutenant of Infantry, with such additions as had been suggested by his exuberant fancy. His blue broadcloth was the finest and shiniest. Buttons and bugles seemed masses of barbric gold. From broad-brimmed hat floated the longest ostrich feather procurable in the shops. Shining leather boots, field-marshal pattern, came above his knees. Yellow gauntlets covered his massive hands and reached nearly to his elbows, and on his broad shoulders were great glittering epauletsthen seldom worn by anyone, and still more rarely by volunteer officers. He evidently disdained to hide the crimson glories of his sash in the customary modest way, by folding it under his belt, but had made of it a broad bandage for his abdominal regions, which gae him the appearance of some gigantic crimson-breasted blue-bird. Behind him trailing, clanking on the ground as he walked, not the modest little sword of his rank, but a long cavalry saber, with glittering steel scabbard. But the sheen of gold and steel was dimmed beside the glow of intense satisfaction with his make-up that shone in his face. There might be alloy in his gleaming buttons and bullion epaulets; there was none in his happiness.
I feel sorry for the poor lilies of the field that he comes near, sighed Kent, sympathetically. He is like them now, in neither toiling nor spinning, and yet how ashamed he must make them of their inferior rainment.
Faugh! it makes me sick to see a dunghill like that strutting around in feathers that belong to game birds.
O, no; no game bird ever wore such plumage as that. You must be thinking of a peacock, or a bird-of-paradise.
Well, then, blast it, I hate to see a peacock hatched all at once out of a slinking, roupy, barnyard rooster.
O, no; since circuses are out of the question now, we ought to be glad of so good a substitute. It only needs a brass band, with some colored posters, to be a genuine grand entry, with street parade.
Alspaughs triumphal march had now brought him within a few feet of them, but they continued to lounge indifferently on the musket box upon which they had been sitting, giving a mere nod as recognition of his presence, and showing no intention of rising to salute.
The glow of satisfaction faded from Alspaughs horizon, and a cloud overcast it.
Here, you fellers, he said angrily, why dont ye git up an saloot? Dont ye know your business yit?
What business, Jake? asked Kent Edwards, absently, paying most attention to a toad which had hopped out form the cover of a budock leaf, in search of insects for his supper.
Alspaughs face grew blacker. The business of paying proper respect to your officers.
It hasnt occured to me that I am neglecting anything in that line, said Kent, languidly, shifting over to recline upon his left elbow, and with his right hand gathering up a little gravel to flip at the toad; but maybe you are better acquainted with our business than we are.
Abe contributed to the dialogue a scornful laugh, indicative of a most heartless disbelief in his superior officers superior intellectuality.
The dark cloud burst in storm: Dont you know, said Alspaugh, angry in every fiber, that the reggerlations say that when an enlisted man sees an officer approach, he will rise and saloot, and remain standin and gazin in a respectful manner until the officer passes five paces beyond him? Say, dont you know that?
Kent Edwards flipped a bit of gravel with such good aim that it struck the toad fairly on the head, who blinked his bright eyes in surprise, and hopped back to his covert. I am really glad, said he, to know that you have learned SOMETHING of the regulations. Now, dont say another word about it until I run down to the company quarters and catch a fellow for a bet, who wants to put up money that you can never learn a single sentence of them. Dont say another word, and you can stand in with me on the bet.
Had your head measured since you got this idea into it? asked Abe Bolton, with well-assumed interest.
If he did, he had to use a surveyors chain, suggested Kent, flipping another small pebble in the direction of the toads retreat.
Alspaugh had grown so great upon the liberal feed of the meat of flattery, that he could hardly make himself believe that he had heard aright, and that these men did not care a fig for himself or his authority. Then recovering confidence in the fidelity of their ears, it seemed to him that such conduct was aggravated mutiny, which military discipline demanded should receive condign punishment on the spot. Had he any confidence in his ability to use the doughy weapon at his side, he would not have resisted the strong temptation to draw his sword and make an example then and there of the contemners of his power and magnificence. But the culprits has shown such an aptitude in the use of arms as to inspire his wholesome respect, and he was very far from sure that they might not make a display of his broadsword an occasion for heaping fresh ridicule upon him. An opportune remembrance came to his aid:
If it wasnt for the strict orders we officers got yesterday not to allow ourselves to be provoked under any circumstances into striking our men, Id learn you fellers mighty quick not to insult your superior officers. Id bring you to time, I can tell you. But Ill settle with you yit. Ill have you in the guard hose on bread and water in short meter, and then Ill learn you to be respectful and obedient.
He means teach, instead of learn, said Kent, apologetically, to Abe. Its just awful to have a man, wearing shoulder-straps, abuse English grammar in that way. Whats grammar done to him to deserve such treatment? He hasnt even a speaking acquaintance with it.
I spose its because grammar cant hit back. Thats the kind he always picks on, answered Abe.
Youll pay for this, shouted Alspaugh, striding off after the Sargent of the Guard.
At that moment a little drummer appeared by the flagstaff, and beat a lively rataplan.
Thats for dress-parade, said Kent Edwards, rising. Wed better skip right over to quarters and fall in.
Wish their dress-parades were in the brimstone flames, growled Abe Bolton, as he rose to accompany his comrade. All theyre for is to stand up as a background, to show off a lot of spruce young officers dressed in fancy rigs.
Well, said Kent, lightly, as they walked along, I kind of like that; dont you? We make picturesque backgrounds, dont we? you and I, especially you, the soft, tender, lithe and willowy; and I, the frowning, rugged and adamantine, so to speak. I think the background business is our best hold.
He laughed heartily at his own sarcasm, but Abe was not to be moved by such frivolity, and answered glumly: