Ryan appeared nervous, daunted, maybe a little scared, but above all else exhilarated.
Riley tried to keep smiling as they sat down and ate dinner. She wanted to be happy for him.
Finally Ryan asked
Wow, listen to me talk. What about you? How was your day?
Riley gulped hard.
It could have been better, she said. Actually, it was pretty bad.
Ryan reached across the table and took her hand with an expression of sincere concern.
Im sorry, he said. Do you want to talk about it?
Riley wondered whether talking about it would make her feel better.
No, Ill only start crying.
Besides, Ryan might not be happy that shed actually gone out into the field today. Theyd both been sure that shed be doing her training safely indoors. Not that shed been in any actual danger
Id rather not get into any details, Riley said. But do you remember Special Agent Crivaro, the FBI man who saved my life back in Lanton?
Ryan nodded.
Riley continued, Well, hes supposed to be mentoring me. But hes got doubts now as to whether I belong in the program. And I guess Ive got doubts too. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.
Ryan squeezed her hand and didnt speak.
Riley wished hed say something. But what did she want him to say?
What did she expect him to say?
After all, Ryan hadnt been enthusiastic about Riley being in the program from the very start. Hed probably be just as happy if she dropped outor even got kicked out.
Finally Ryan said, Look, maybe its just not the right time for you to do this. I mean, youre pregnant, were just getting moved into this new place, and Im just getting started Parsons and Rittenhouse. Maybe you should just wait until
Wait until when? Riley said. Until Im a mom raising a kid? How is that going to work?
Ryans eyes widened at Rileys bitter tone. Even Riley was startled at the sound of her own voice.
Im sorry, she said. I didnt mean it to come out like that.
Ryan said quietly, Riley, you are going to be a mom raising a kid. Were going to be parents. Its a reality we both have to deal with, whether you keep training this summer or not.
Riley was really struggling not to cry now. The future seemed so murky and mysterious.
She asked, What am I going to do if Im not in the program? I cant just sit around this apartment all day.
Ryan shrugged slightly.
Well, you can always find a job, help with the expenses. Maybe some kind of temp worksomething you can just walk away from whenever you get tired of doing it. Youve got your whole life ahead of you. Theres plenty of time to figure out what you really want to do. But before long, I could be successful enough that you wouldnt have to work at all if you dont want to.
They both fell quiet for a moment.
Then Riley said, So do you think I should quit?
What I think doesnt matter, Ryan said. Its your decision. And whatever you decide, Ill do my best to back you up.
They didnt say much for the rest of the meal. After they finished eating, they watched TV for a while. Riley couldnt really focus on what they were watching. She kept thinking about what Agent Crivaro had said
Youve got to decide whether youve really got what it takes to stay in this program.
The more Riley thought about it, the more doubt and uncertainty she felt.
After all, she had more than just herself to think about. There was Ryan, the baby, and even Agent Crivaro.
She remembered something else her would-be mentor had said
I pulled a lot of strings to get you into this program.
And keeping her in the program wasnt going to make Crivaros life any easier. He was likely to keep catching flak from colleagues who didnt think Riley belonged there, especially if she didnt live up to his expectations.
And she sure hadnt lived up to his expectations today.
Ryan eventually took a shower and went to bed. Riley sat on the couch, continuing to mull over her choices.
Finally, she picked up a legal pad and started to draft a letter of resignation to Hoke Gilmer, the training supervisor. She was surprised at how much better she felt as she kept writing the letter. When she came to the end, she felt as if a load had been lifted from her mind.
This is the right choice, she thought.
She figured she would get up early tomorrow morning, tell Ryan about her decision, type her letter into his computer, then print it and send it out with the morning mail. Shed also make a phone call to Agent Crivaro, who would surely be relieved.
Finally, she went to bed, feeling much better about things. She found it easy to go to sleep.
Riley found herself walking into the J. Edgar Hoover Building.
What am I doing here? she wondered.
Then she noticed the legal pad in her hand, with her letter written on it.
Oh, yes, she realized.
I came to deliver this to Agent Gilmer personally.
She took the elevator down three floors, then went into the auditorium where the interns had met yesterday.
To her alarm, all the interns were seated in the auditorium watching her every move. Agent Gilmer was standing at the front of the auditorium, looking at her with his arms crossed.
What do you want, Sweeney? Gilmer asked, sounding a lot more stern than he had yesterday when hed addressed the group.
Riley glanced at the interns, who gazed at her silently with accusing expressions.
Then she said to Gilmer, I wont take any of your time. I just need to give you this.
She handed him the yellow legal pad.
Gilmer raised his reading glasses to look at the pad.
Whats this? he asked.
Riley opened her mouth to say
Its my letter of resignation from the program.
But instead, different words came out of her mouth
I, Riley Sweeney, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States
To her alarm, she realized
Im reciting the FBI oath of office.
And she couldnt seem to stop herself.
that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same
Gilmer pointed to the legal pad and asked again
Whats this?
Riley still wanted to explain what it really was, but the words of the oath continued to pour out
I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion
Gilmers face was morphing into another face.
It was Jake Crivaro, and he was looking angry. He waved the pad in front of her face.
Whats this? he snarled.
Riley was surprised to see that nothing was written there at all.
She heard all the other interns murmuring aloud, speaking the same oath but in a confused jumble of voices.