This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check the progress of the young gentlemans choler, who, looking behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself.
Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousins asking, Who the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But dont think you shall escape, sirrahIll have you hangd, you dog, I will. Your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you! None of your jaw, you swabnone of your jaw, replied my uncle, else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy, I shall. So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter. The matter! answered the lieutenant; no great matter, young woman; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, wont allow me to come alongside of him, thats all. After a few minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfathers chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judges presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in this manner; Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what cheer? I suppose you dont know memayhap you dont. My name is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither; tis like you maynt. Hes new rigged, ifaith; his cloth dont shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. Tis my nephew, dy see, Roderick Randomyour own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Dont lay a-stern, you dog, pulling me forward. My grandfather (who was laid up with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand, said my uncle; for my own part, I desire nothing of you; but, if you have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sisters son is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack (pointing to the young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us into the room). Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he not much handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come, consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father, and make all the satisfaction in your power before it be too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his fathers portion on him The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my protectorScurvy companionsaucy tarpaulinrude, impertinent fellow, did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sisters brat had been too well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not make a difference between an unnatural, rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children, who took his advice in all things; and such expressions were vented against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning but was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future as became him. The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it was not much to be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet whoever told him so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keel-hauld; for though he (the lieutenant) did not understand those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-years pay on the boys headwith these words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company: Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather, left like a wreck, dye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather, by your neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrels brains instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland, thats all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of himwould you? I had rather see him hangd, dye see. Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my boylets tack about, ifaithwhile I have a shilling you shant want a tester. Bwe, old gentleman; youre bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for the voyage. Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry that surrounded him.
CHAPTER IV
My Grandfather makes his Willour second Visithe Dieshis Will is read in Presence of all his living Descendantsthe Disappointment of my female Cousinsmy Uncles Behaviour
A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception. In obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often repeating by the road, Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall seeyou shall see the effect of my admonition, When we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of his granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and affection. My uncle approached him with these words, What! hes not a-weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon your poor sinful soul! Upon which, the dying man turned his languid eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went onHeres poor Roy come to see you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! dont despair, you have been a great sinner, tis true,what then? Theres a righteous judge above, ant there? He minds me no more than a porpoise. Yes, yes, hes a-going; the land crabs will have him, I see that! his anchors a-peak, ifaith. This homely consolation scandalised the company so much, and especially the parson, who probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room, where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfathers decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? Dead! (says my uncle, looking, at the body) ay, ay, Ill warrant him as dead as a herring. Odds fish! now my dream is out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside, and the devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a blue bearwho, dye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried it to the bottom in his claws. Out upon thee, reprobate cries the parson out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his honours soul is in the possession of Satan? The clamour immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had the title to send him adrift. None of your tricks upon travellers, said he; mayhap old Bluff has left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob! Id desire no better news. Id soon make him a clear shin, I warrant you. To avoid any further disturbance, one of my grandfathers executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed after the funeral for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of people, with regard to the old gentlemans will, were various: as it was well known, he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of opinion, that, as the rest of the children had been already provided for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and gestures formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that appeared, when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his grandfathers estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who had been always very officious about my grandfathers person, inquired, with a faltering accent and visage as yellow as an orange, if there were no legacies? and was answered, None at all. Upon which she fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution, though not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentlemans death. My conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began: So theres no legacy, friend, ha!heres an old succubus; but somebodys soul howls for it, dn me! The parson of the parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out, Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest in peace? But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he had certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was not in a humour to relish this amusement, replied, You and your dogs may be damnd. I suppose youll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory,about ship, my lad, we must steer another course, I think. And away we went.