Excessively true, said I; what shall we order?
Dabord des huitres dOstende, said Vincent; as to the rest, taking hold of the carte, deliberare utilia mora utilissima est.
We were soon engaged in all the pleasures and pains of a dinner.
Petimus, said Lord Vincent, helping himself to some poulet a lAusterlitz, petimus bene viverequod petis, hic est?
We were not, however, assured of that fact at the termination of dinner. If half the dishes were well conceived and better executed, the other half were proportionably bad. Very is, indeed, no longer the prince of Restaurateurs. The low English who have flocked there, have entirely ruined the place. What waiterwhat cook can possibly respect men who take no soup, and begin with a roti; who know neither what is good nor what is bad; who eat rognons at dinner instead of at breakfast, and fall into raptures over sauce Robert and pieds de cochon; who cannot tell, at the first taste, whether the beaune is premiere qualite, or the fricassee made of yesterdays chicken; who suffer in the stomach after champignon, and die with indigestion of a truffle? O! English people, English people! why can you not stay and perish of apoplexy and Yorkshire pudding at home?
By the time we had drank our coffee it was considerably past nine oclock, and Vincent had business at the ambassadors before ten; we therefore parted for the night.
What do you think of Verys? said I, as we were at the door.
Why, replied Vincent, when I recal the astonishing heat of the place, which has almost sent me to sleep; the exceeding number of times in which that becasse had been re-roasted, and the extortionate length of our bills, I say of Verys, what Hamlet said of the world, Weary, stale, and unprofitable!
CHAPTER XIII
I would fight with broad swords, and sink point on the first blood drawn like a gentleman's.
The Chronicles of the Canongate.I strolled idly along the Palais Royal (which English people, in some silly proverb, call the capital of Paris, whereas no French man of any rank, nor French woman of any respectability, are ever seen in its promenades) till, being somewhat curious to enter some of the smaller cafes, I went into one of the meanest of them; took up a Journal des Spectacles, and called for some lemonade. At the next table to me sat two or three Frenchmen, evidently of inferior rank, and talking very loudly over LAngleterre et les Anglois. Their attention was soon fixed upon me.
Have you ever observed that if people are disposed to think ill of you, nothing so soon determines them to do so as any act of yours, which, however innocent and inoffensive, differs from their ordinary habits and customs? No sooner had my lemonade made its appearance, than I perceived an increased sensation among my neighbours of the next table. In the first place, lemonade is not much drank, as you may suppose, among the French in winter; and, in the second, my beverage had an appearance of ostentation, from being one of the dearest articles I could have called for. Unhappily, I dropped my newspaperit fell under the Frenchmens table; instead of calling the garcon, I was foolish enough to stoop for it myself. It was exactly under the feet of one of the Frenchmen; I asked him with the greatest civility, to move: he made no reply. I could not, for the life of me, refrain from giving him a slight, very slight push; the next moment he moved in good earnest; the whole party sprung up as he set the example. The offended leg gave three terrific stamps upon the ground, and I was immediately assailed by a whole volley of unintelligible abuse. At that time I was very little accustomed to French vehemence, and perfectly unable to reply to the vituperations I received.
Instead of answering them, I therefore deliberated what was best to be done. If, thought I, I walk away, they will think me a coward, and insult me in the streets; if I challenge them, I shall have to fight with men probably no better than shopkeepers; if I strike this most noisy amongst them, he may be silenced, or he may demand satisfaction: if the former, well and good; if the latter, why I shall have a better excuse for fighting him than I should have now.
My resolution was therefore taken. I was never more free from passion in my life, and it was, therefore, with the utmost calmness and composure that, in the midst of my antagonists harangue, I raised my hand andquietly knocked him down.
He rose in a moment. Sortons, said he, in a low tone, a Frenchman never forgives a blow!
At that moment, an Englishman, who had been sitting unnoticed in an obscure corner of the cafe, came up and took me aside.
Sir, said he, dont think of fighting the man; he is a tradesman in the Rue St. Honore. I myself have seen him behind the counter; remember that a ram may kill a butcher.
Sir, I replied, I thank you a thousand times for your information. Fight, however, I must, and Ill give you, like the Irishman, my reasons afterwards: perhaps you will be my second.
With pleasure, said the Englishman, (a Frenchman would have said, with pain!)
We left the cafe together. My countryman asked them if he should go the gunsmiths for the pistols.
Pistols! said the Frenchmans second: we will only fight with swords.
No, no, said my new friend. On ne prend le lievre au tabourin. We are the challenged, and therefore have the choice of weapons.
Luckily I overheard this dispute, and called to my secondSwords or pistols, said I; it is quite the same to me. I am not bad at either, only do make haste.
Swords, then, were chosen and soon procured. Frenchmen never grow cool upon their quarrels: and as it was a fine, clear, starlight night, we went forthwith to the Bois de Boulogne. We fixed our ground on a spot tolerably retired, and, I should think, pretty often frequented for the same purpose. I was exceedingly confident, for I knew myself to have few equals in the art of fencing; and I had all the advantage of coolness, which my hero was a great deal too much in earnest to possess. We joined swords, and in a very few moments I discovered that my opponents life was at my disposal.
Cest bien, thought I; for once Ill behave handsomely.
The Frenchman made a desperate lunge. I struck his sword from his hand, caught it instantly, and, presenting it to him again, said,
I think myself peculiarly fortunate that I may now apologize for the affront I have put upon you. Will you permit my sincerest apologies to suffice? A man who can so well resent an injury, can forgive one.
Was there ever a Frenchman not taken by a fine phrase? My hero received the sword with a low bowthe tears came into his eyes.
Sir, said he, you have twice conquered.
We left the spot with the greatest amity and affection, and re-entered, with a profusion of bows, our several fiacres.
Let me, I said, when I found myself alone with my second, let me thank you most cordially for your assistance; and allow me to cultivate an acquaintance so singularly begun. I lodge at the Hotel de, Rue de Rivoli; my name is Pelham. Yours is
Thornton, replied my countryman. I will lose no time in profiting by an offer of acquaintance which does me so much honour.