How could she or her friends put any of that into words?
What business did anyone have asking them that, anyway?
Riley made her way to the cafeteria in the student union. She hadnt had any breakfast yet, and was just starting to realize she was hungry. At the buffet she scooped up some bacon and eggs and poured herself some orange juice and coffee. Then she looked around for a place to sit.
Her eyes quickly fell on Trudy, who was sitting alone at a table, facing away from the others in the room and eating her own breakfast.
Riley gulped anxiously.
Did she dare try to join Trudy at the table?
Would Trudy even talk to her?
They hadnt exchanged a single word since last night when Trudy had bitterly told Riley to go to sleep.
Riley summoned up her courage and maneuvered her way across the room to Trudys table. Without saying anything, she put her tray on the table and sat down beside her roommate.
For a few moments Trudy kept her head low, as if she didnt notice Rileys presence.
Finally, without looking at Riley, Trudy said, I decided to skip the meeting. How was it?
It sucked, Riley said. I should have skipped it too.
She thought for a moment, then added, Heather wasnt there either.
No, Trudy said. I hear her parents came this morning and took her straight home. I guess nobody knows when shell be coming back to schoolor even if shell be coming back.
Trudy finally looked at Riley and said, Did you hear about what happened to Rory Burdon?
Riley remembered how Hintz had asked her about Rory last night.
No, she said.
The cops showed up at his apartment late last night pounding on his door. Rory had no idea what was going on. He didnt even know what had happened to Rhea. He was scared to death he was going to get arrested, and he didnt even know why. The cops questioned him until they eventually figured out that he wasnt their guy, and then they left.
Trudy shrugged slightly and added, The poor guy. I shouldnt have mentioned his name to that stupid police chief. But he just kept asking all these questions, I didnt know what else to say.
A silence fell between them. Riley found herself thinking about Ryan Paige, and how shed mentioned his name to Hintz. Had the cops also paid Ryan a visit last night? It didnt seem unlikely, but Riley hoped not.
Anyway, she felt relieved that Trudy was at least willing to talk to her. Maybe now Riley could explain.
She said slowly, Trudy, when the cops first got there, that woman cop asked me what I knew, and I couldnt lie about it. I had to say youd been out last night with Rhea. I also had to tell her about Cassie and Gina and Heather.
Trudy nodded. I get it, Riley. You dont need to explain. I understand. And Im sorry Im sorry I treated you like
Suddenly Trudy was quietly sobbing, her tears falling freely into her breakfast tray.
She said, Riley, was it my fault? What happened to Rhea, I mean?
Riley could hardly believe her ears.
What are you talking about, Trudy? Of course not. How could it be your fault?
Well, I was so stupid and drunk last night, and I wasnt paying any attention to what was going on, and I dont even remember when Rhea left the Centaurs Den. The other girls said she left alone. Maybe if I
Trudys voice faded away, but Riley knew what she was leaving unsaid
maybe if Id just walked Rhea home.
And Riley, too, felt a terrible pang of guilt.
After all, she might well ask herself the same question.
If she hadnt gone off by herself at the Centaurs Den, and if shed been around when Rhea got ready to leave, and if shed offered to walk Rhea home
That word, if
Riley had never imagined how awful a word could be.
Trudy kept crying quietly, and Riley didnt know what to do to make her feel better.
She half-wondered why she wasnt crying herself.
Of course, she had cried in her own bed last night. But surely she hadnt cried enoughnot over something this terrible. Surely there was still more crying in store for her.
She sat picking at her breakfast as Trudy wiped her eyes and blew her nose and settled herself down a bit.
Trudy said, Riley, the thing I keep wondering is why? Why Rhea, I mean? Was it something personal? Did somebody hate her enough to kill her? I dont see how thats even possible. Nobody hated Rhea. Why would anybody hate Rhea?
Riley didnt reply, but shed been wondering the same thing. She also wondered whether the cops had found any answers yet.
Trudy continued, And was it somebody we know who killed her? Is maybe one of us next? Riley, Im scared.
Again, Riley didnt reply.
She felt sure, though, that Rhea had known her murderer. She didnt know why she was sureit wasnt like she was a cop or knew anything really about criminals. But something in her gut told her that Rhea had known and trusted her killerright up until it had been too late to save herself.
Trudy looked at Riley steadily, then said, You dont seem to be scared.
Riley felt taken aback.
For the first time, it dawned on her
No, Im not scared.
Shed been feeling every other sort of awful emotion in the worldguilt, grief, shockand yes, horror. But her horror was somehow different from fear for her own life. The horror she felt was for Rhea herself, horror at the awfulness of what had happened to her.
But Riley wasnt afraid.
She wonderedwas it because of what had happened to her mother all those years ago, the sound of that gunshot, the sight of all that blood, the incomprehensible loss she still struggled with even today?
Had the most terrible trauma she had ever suffered made her stronger than other people?
For some reason, she almost hoped not. It didnt seem quite right to be strong like that, strong in ways that other people werent.
It just didnt seem quite
It took Riley a few seconds to think of the word.
Human.
She shivered just a little, then said to Trudy, Im heading back to the dorm. I really need to get some sleep. Want to come with me?
Trudy shook her head.
I just want to sit here for a while, she said.
Riley got up from her chair and gave Trudy a quick hug. Then she emptied her breakfast tray and left the student union. It wasnt a long walk back to the dorm, and she was relieved not to see any reporters along the way. When she got to the front door of the dorm, she paused for a moment. Now it occurred to her why Trudy hadnt wanted to come back with her right now. She just wasnt ready to face the dorm again.
As Riley stood at the door, she too felt weird about it. Of course, shed spent the night there. She lived there.
But having spent some time outside, where a return to normality had been declared, was she ready to go back inside the building where Rhea had been killed?
She took a deep breath and walked on in through the front door.
At first she thought she felt OK. But as she continued into the hallway, the feeling of strangeness deepened. Riley felt as if she were walking and moving underwater. She headed straight to her own room and was about to open the door when her eyes were drawn toward the room farther down the hallway, the room that Rhea and Heather had shared.