Our children will become our Teachers if we agree to be their Students all our lives. Then the time will come when we will shift to adult-to-adult relations, where all members of the family exchange values and interests, enriching each others lives and the entire world around them.
Maybe we can start thinking positively about ourselves and our children, about their and our progress and achievements.
It is true however, that we could have started earlier. One might want to exclaim: Why did not we understand that we had to think and live positively? Why could not we see that before? At the same time we are still glad that we are finally on the right path and there is still time to change our lives and relationships.
Join us and you will do even better!
Duty, investment or a bottomless pit?
Parents and teachers, in the first instance, are givers, while children and students are takers. Although parents also learn some things from their children, just as well as teachers learn from their students, this does not restore the balance, but only makes its absence less visible. However, parents were once children, and teachers were students. They pay their debt by passing on what they learnt from the previous generation to the next generation. And their children and students can do the same2.
But what does this balance mean? How is it measured? Is it really necessary? Do we speak about constant balance or the one we need to keep from time to time? Or, maybe we are misled by the original belief that maintenance of balance is impossible. What really matters is what the givers (teachers, parents) want to get in return, that is, what kind of reward they consider appropriate for the effort they make. However, things they give away and thing they get in return belong to different categories: in exchange for education, care, material support and security they want respect, gratitude, appreciation and remembrance, also the success of those for whose sake they took such efforts. In this respect parents rather make an investment that should bring the wellbeing of their children and maybe grandchildren, but not their own wellbeing. Well, when people give back what they have received they pay back their debts; on the other hand, when they use the invested capital in such way that it should make profit, they increase capital gains.
By imposing a debt on our children, which they pay by passing on what they received to the next generation we evoke the following response:
Expressions of protest like I owe you nothing or by bringing me up you just did your duty as parents;
A protest and the sense that their children are indebted to them: I dont want to make them feel they are obliged to me, I had responsibilities towards my parents, now my children have the same responsibilities towards me, My children should repay me for what Ive done for them, just as their children should repay them, so they should present me with grandchildren to show me that I have not lived in vain, and to pass on their own responsibilities to them or I dont want children. What do I need them for, the spongers living at my expense, who will love no one but their own children?
The idea that being a parent means making your children responsible, so that they are over head and ears in debt, those debts increasing from the moment of their birth till the death of their parents. By giving birth to their own children your children get a chance to pass their responsibilities to them. But the question is what childless people should do. Can we say that they die without paying their debts? Who are they indebted to?
A whole number of sacrifices: people, who give up the right to create and receive something for their own pleasure and to enjoy their own achievements, actually give up the right to recognize those achievements and enjoy their results in future. This leads to their failure to experience satisfaction and pleasure. I have dedicated all my life to my children, I want nothing for myself. This means neglecting ones own self and life, which makes ones life pointless. And all those sacrifices are offered in order to bear maximum responsibility, which will later be handed down to ones children.
As a result we get a pit of debt filled up by many generations
So what can we do to enjoy benefits instead of paying debts?
As babies we only use body language and make sounds in order to let others know what we want, but when we get old enough to speak, control our actions and develop conscious thinking, we quickly enter into negotiations. There are more and more situations when we have to ask for something, then we either get it or hear a refusal. If we get what we want we satisfy our needs immediately, while in case of refusal we seek other ways to achieve our goal.
The earlier parents start to negotiate with their children the more chances will they have to establish an equal relationship with them later. Such attitude will earn them the respect of their children at old age. In the same way, those who do not listen to their children will be ignored by them when they get old.
Meantime, recognition and acceptance of each others opinions does not mean agreement. On the contrary, it means being asked to express your opinion about the suggestions of your children. Then they will merely get the answer showing if you agree with them or are willing to comply with their requests. In case of disagreement or refusal they will have to find other means to get what they want.
In this way parents can either comply with childrens requests or turn them down. For instance, parents decide if they will: pay for their childrens education at the university; pay the expenses of their wedding party or holiday; or help them with advice how to find a new occupation or hobby. Parents refusal will give a child an incentive to:
find the other source of funding;
or continue negotiations with parents offering them to undertake particular obligations.
If parents and their children do not enter negotiations, their relationship is likely to suffer: they will start having conflicts with mutual accusations, or can even break up. This can lead both parents and children to question the importance of their relationship and the people involved in it, including their own selves. The life-giving relations will devalue, because the lives of those who gave birth and those who were born as a result of those relations will be devalued. They will be devalued as personalities and will be reduced to guilty debtors.
It is impossible to pay off ones debts if you give money to someone else, instead of the person to whom you actually owe that money. Meanwhile, an invested capital is possible to accumulate and it can bring profit. A debt is a burden, while an investment is support.
Making an investment means placing ones possessions at other persons disposal on a contractual basis: at a certain interest, with the view of getting something valuable for the investor in future.
By making an investment the investor first of all receives approval and then the right to draw interest in any form and at any time s/he likes.
Thus, by investing money in a bank we get a card to draw our interest and a contract where terms and charges are mentioned.
The only difference between making a deposit with a bank and with ones children is that parents make a lifelong investment in their children and cannot withdraw the full amount, except the interest.