Rileys throat caught, and tears formed in her eyes.
They all believe in me so much.
She felt grateful and humble but she also felt a spasm of guilt.
What would these same people think of her if they knew all of her darkest secrets?
They knew nothing about her current relationship with a savage but brilliant killer who had escaped from Sing Sing. They certainly didnt suspect that the criminal had helped her solve several cases. And they couldnt possibly know how hopelessly entwined Rileys own life was with Shane Hatchers.
Riley almost shuddered at the thought.
No wonder this medal felt heavier than the others.
No, I dont deserve this, Riley thought.
But what was she going to do turn around and give it back to Director Milner?
Instead, she managed to smile and utter a few words of appreciation. Then she stepped carefully down off the stage.
*A few moments later, Riley was in a large, crowded room that had been set up with refreshments. It looked like most of the people who had been in the auditorium were here. She was the center of a swirl of activity as everyone took turns congratulating her. She was grateful for the stabilizing presence of Director Milner, who stood right beside her.
In the first wave of well-wishers were colleagues fellow field agents, specialists, administrators, and office workers.
Most of them were visibly happy for her. For example, Sam Flores, the nerdish head of the Quantico technical analysis team, gave her a silent thumbs-up and a thoroughly sincere smile and moved on.
But Riley also had her share of enemies, and they were here as well. The youngest was Emily Creighton, a fairly inexperienced agent who fancied herself to be Rileys rival. Riley had called her out on a rookie mistake a few months back, and Creighton had resented her ever since.
When it came Creightons turn to congratulate Riley, the younger agent forced a smile through her clenched teeth, shook her hand, mumbled Congratulations, and wandered away.
A few more colleagues came and went before Special Agent in Charge Carl Walder stepped toward Riley. Babyish both in appearance and behavior, Walder was Rileys idea of the ultimate bureaucrat. She was always at odds with him, and he with her. In fact, hed suspended and even fired her on a few occasions.
But right now Riley was amused by his expression of cringing goodwill toward her. With Director Milner standing beside her, Walder didnt dare show anything but feigned respect.
His hand was damp and cold as he shook hers, and she noticed beads of sweat on his forehead.
A well-deserved honor, Agent Paige, he said in a shaky voice. We are honored to have you on the force.
Then Walder shook hands with the FBI director.
So good of you to join us, Director Milner, Walder said.
My pleasure, Director Milner said.
Riley watched the directors face. Did she notice a slight smirk as he nodded at Walder? She couldnt be sure. But she knew that Walder didnt command a whole lot of respect in the Bureau, neither by his subordinates nor by his superiors.
After the last of her Quantico colleagues congratulated her, the next wave of well-wishers stirred up powerful emotions for Riley. They were people shed met in the line of duty family members of murder victims, or people shed saved from becoming victims. Riley hadnt expected them to be here, especially not so many of them.
The first was a frail, elderly man that shed rescued from an insane poisoner last January. He took hold of Rileys hand with both of his and tearfully said, Thank you, thank you, thank you, over and over again.
Riley couldnt help but cry herself.
Then came Lester and Eunice Pennington and their teenaged daughter, Tiffany. In February, Tiffanys older sister, Lois, had been murdered by a sick young man. Riley hadnt seen the Penningtons since shed solved their case. Riley could hardly believe they were here. She remembered them as distraught and grief-stricken. But they were smiling through their tears, happy for Riley and grateful for the justice she had given them.
As Riley exchanged emotional handclasps with them, she wondered how much more of this she could take without fleeing the room in tears.
Finally came Paula Steen, the elderly mother of a girl who had been killed twenty-five years ago in the case that Riley was being honored for today.
Riley felt truly overwhelmed now.
She and Paula had been in touch for many years now, talking by phone on every anniversary of her daughters death.
Paulas presence here today took Riley completely off guard.
She clasped Paulas hands, trying not to break down uncontrollably.
Paula, thank you for coming, she managed to stammer through her tears. I hope we can still stay in touch.
Paulas smile was radiant, and she wasnt crying at all.
Oh, Ill keep calling once a year as always, I promise, Paula said. As long as Im still in this world, anyway. Now that youve caught Tildas killer, I feel ready to move on to join her and my husband. Theyve been waiting for me for a long time. Thank you so much.
Riley felt a sudden pain deep inside.
Paula was thanking her for the peace she now felt thanking her for allowing her to die at long last.
It was too much for Riley to process.
She simply couldnt speak.
Instead, she clumsily kissed Paula on the cheek, and the elderly woman walked away.
People were leaving now, and the room was markedly less crowded.
But the ones who most mattered to her were still here. Blaine, Crystal, Jilly, April, and Gabriela had stood nearby watching her this whole time. Riley felt especially good about the look of pride on Gabrielas face.
She also saw that the girls were smiling, while Blaines expression was one of awed admiration. Riley hoped that this whole ceremony didnt intimidate him or scare him off.
Coming toward her were three people whose faces she was especially happy to see. One was her longtime partner, Bill Jeffreys. Standing right beside him was Lucy Vargas, an eager and promising young agent who looked up to Riley as a mentor. Next to her was Jake Crivaro.
Riley was surprised to see Jake. Hed been her partner years ago and had long since retired. Hed come out of retirement just to help her on the Matchbook Killer case, which had haunted him for years.
Jake! Riley said. What are you doing here?
The short, barrel-chested man let out a raspy laugh.
Hey, what kind of welcome is that?
Riley laughed a little too and hugged him.
You know what I meant, she said.
After all, Jake had headed back to his apartment in Florida as soon as the case was over. She was glad he was back, even if it was a lot sooner than shed expected.
I wouldnt have missed this for the world, Jake said.
Riley felt a renewed wave of guilt as she hugged Bill.
Bill, Jake this isnt fair.
What isnt fair? Bill asked.
My getting this award. You two did as much work as I did.
Lucy took her turn to hug Riley.
Sure, its fair, Lucy said. Director Milner mentioned them. He gave them credit too.
Bill nodded and said, And we wouldnt have done anything at all if you werent so damned stubborn about reopening the case.
Riley smiled. It was true, of course. Shed reopened the case when nobody else had thought it was possible to solve.
Suddenly she felt a new wave of confusion over what had just happened.