Dont you mean youd rather spend all night at the clubs? Im not naive, Ronnie. I know what goes on in those kinds of places.
I dont do anything wrong, Mom.
What about your grades? And your curfew? And
Can we talk about something else? Ronnie cut in. Like why its so imperative that I spend time with my dad?
Her mother ignored her. Then again, Ronnie knew she had every reason to. Shed already answered the question a million times, even if Ronnie didnt want to accept it.
Traffic eventually started to move again, and the car moved forward for half a block before coming to another halt. Her mother rolled down the window and tried to peer around the cars in front of her.
I wonder whats going on, she muttered. Its really packed down here.
Its the beach, Jonah volunteered. Its always crowded at the beach.
Its three oclock on a Sunday. It shouldnt be this crowded.
Ronnie tucked her legs up, hating her life. Hating everything about this.
Hey, Mom? Jonah asked. Does Dad know Ronnie was arrested?
Yeah. He knows, she answered.
Whats he going to do?
This time, Ronnie answered. He wont do anything. All he ever cared about was the piano.
Ronnie hated the piano and swore shed never play again, a decision even some of her oldest friends thought was strange, since it had been a major part of her life for as long as shed known them. Her dad, once a teacher at Juilliard, had been her teacher as well, and for a long time, shed been consumed by the desire not only to play, but to compose original music with her father.
She was good, too. Very good, actually, and because of her fathers connection to Juilliard, the administration and teachers there were well aware of her ability. Word slowly began to spread in the obscure classical music is all-important grapevine that constituted her fathers life. A couple of articles in classical music magazines followed, and a moderately long piece in The New York Times that focused on the father-daughter connection came next, all of which eventually led to a coveted appearance in the Young Performers series at Carnegie Hall four years ago. That, she supposed, was the highlight of her career. And it was a highlight; she wasnt naive about what shed accomplished. She knew how rare an opportunity like that was, but lately shed found herself wondering whether the sacrifices had been worth it. No one besides her parents probably even remembered the performance, after all. Or even cared. Ronnie had learned that unless you had a popular video on YouTube or could perform shows in front of thousands, musical ability meant nothing.
Sometimes she wished her father had started her on the electric guitar. Or at the very least, singing lessons. What was she supposed to do with an ability to play the piano? Teach music at the local school? Or play in some hotel lobby while people were checking in? Or chase the hard life her father had? Look where the piano had gotten him. Hed ended up quitting Juilliard so he could hit the road as a concert pianist and found himself playing in rinky-dink venues to audiences that barely filled the first couple of rows. He traveled forty weeks a year, long enough to put a strain on the marriage. Next thing she knew, Mom was yelling all the time and Dad was retreating into his shell like he usually did, until one day he simply didnt return from an extended southern tour. As far as she knew, he wasnt working at all these days. He wasnt even giving private lessons.
How did that work out for you, Dad?
She shook her head. She really didnt want to be here. God knows she wanted nothing to do with any of this.
Hey, Mom! Jonah called out. He leaned forward. Whats over there? Is that a Ferris wheel?
Her mom craned her neck, trying to see around the minivan in the lane beside her. I think it is, honey, she answered. There must be a carnival in town.
Can we go? After we all have dinner together?
Youll have to ask your dad.
Yeah, and maybe afterward, well all sit around the campfire and roast marshmallows,
Ronnie interjected. Like were one big, happy family.
This time, both of them ignored her.
Do you think they have other rides? Jonah asked.
Im sure they do. And if your dad doesnt want to ride them, Im sure your sister will go with you.
Awesome!
Ronnie sagged in her seat. It figured her mom would suggest something like that. The whole thing was too depressing to believe.
2Steve
Steve Miller played the piano with keyed-up intensity, anticipating his childrens arrival at any minute.
The piano was located in a small alcove off the small living room of the beachside bungalow he now called home. Behind him were items that represented his personal history. It wasnt much. Aside from the piano, Kim had been able to pack his belongings into a single box, and it had taken less than half an hour to put everything in place. There was a snapshot of him with his father and mother when he was young, another photo of him playing the piano as a teen.
They were mounted between both of the degrees hed received, one from Chapel Hill and the other from Boston University, and below it was a certificate of appreciation from Juilliard after hed taught for fifteen years. Near the window were three framed schedules outlining his tour dates. Most important, though, were half a dozen photographs of Jonah and Ronnie, some tacked to the walls or framed and sitting atop the piano, and whenever he looked at them, he was reminded of the fact that despite his best intentions, nothing had turned out the way hed expected.
The late afternoon sun was slanting through the windows, making the interior of the house stuffy, and Steve could feel beads of sweat beginning to form. Thankfully, the pain in his stomach had lessened since the morning, but hed been nervous for days, and he knew it would come back. Hed always had a weak stomach; in his twenties, hed had an ulcer and was hospitalized for diverticulitis; in his thirties, hed had his appendix removed after it had burst while Kim was pregnant with Jonah. He ate Rolaids like candy, hed been on Nexium for years, and though he knew he could probably eat better and exercise more, he doubted that either would have helped. Stomach problems ran in his family.
His fathers death six years ago had changed him, and since the funeral, hed felt as though hed been on a countdown of sorts. In a way, he supposed he had. Five years ago, hed quit his position at Juilliard, and a year after that, hed decided to try his luck as a concert pianist. Three years ago, he and Kim decided to divorce; less than twelve months later, the tour dates began drying up, until they finally ended completely. Last year, hed moved back here, to the town where hed grown up, a place he never thought hed see again. Now he was about to spend the summer with his children, and though he tried to imagine what the fall would bring once Ronnie and Jonah were back in New York, he knew only that leaves would yellow before turning to red and that in the mornings his breaths would come out in little puffs. Hed long since given up trying to predict the future.
This didnt bother him. He knew predictions were pointless, and besides, he could barely understand the past. These days, all he could say for sure was that he was ordinary in a world that loved the extraordinary, and the realization left him with a vague feeling of disappointment at the life hed led. But what could he do? Unlike Kim, whod been outgoing and gregarious, hed always been more reticent and blended into crowds. Though he had certain talents as a musician and composer, he lacked the charisma or showmanship or whatever it was that made a performer stand out. At times, even he admitted that hed been more an observer of the world than a participant in it, and in moments of painful honesty, he sometimes believed he was a failure in all that was important. He was forty-eight years old. His marriage had ended, his daughter avoided him, and his son was growing up without him. Thinking back, he knew he had no one to blame but himself, and more than anything, this was what he wanted to know: Was it still possible for someone like him to experience the presence of God?
Ten years ago, he could never have imagined wondering about such a thing. Two years, even. But middle age, he sometimes thought, had made him as reflective as a mirror. Though hed once believed that the answer lay somehow in the music he created, he suspected now that hed been mistaken. The more he thought about it, the more hed come to realize that for him, music had always been a movement away from reality rather than a means of living in it more deeply. He might have experienced passion and catharsis in the works of Tchaikovsky or felt a sense of accomplishment when hed written sonatas of his own, but he now knew that burying himself in music had less to do with God than a selfish desire to escape.
He now believed that the real answer lay somewhere in the nexus of love he felt for his children, in the ache he experienced when he woke in the quiet house and realized they werent here. But even then, he knew there was something more.
And somehow, he hoped his children would help him find it.
A few minutes later, Steve noticed the sun reflecting off the windshield of a dusty station wagon outside. He and Kim had purchased it years ago for weekend outings to Costco and family getaways. He wondered in passing if shed remembered to change the oil before shed driven down, or even since hed left. Probably not, he decided. Kim had never been good at things like that, which was why hed always taken care of them.
But that part of his life was over now.
Steve rose from his seat, and by the time he stepped onto the porch, Jonah was already out of the car and rushing toward him. His hair hadnt been combed, his glasses were crooked, and his arms and legs were as skinny as pencils. Steve felt his throat tighten, reminded again of how much hed missed in the past three years.
Dad!
Jonah! Steve shouted back as he crossed the rocky sand that constituted his yard. When Jonah jumped into his arms, it was all he could do to remain upright.
Youve gotten so big, he said.
And youve gotten smaller! Jonah said. Youre skinny now.
Steve hugged his son tight before putting him down. Im glad youre here.
I am, too. Mom and Ronnie fought the whole time.
Thats no fun.
Its okay. I ignored it. Except when I egged them on.
Ah, Steve responded.
Jonah pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Why didnt Mom let us fly?
Did you ask her?
No.
Maybe you should.
Its not important. I was just wondering.
Steve smiled. Hed forgotten how talkative his son could be.
Hey, is this your house?
Thats it.
This place is awesome!
Steve wondered if Jonah was serious. The house was anything but awesome. The bungalow was easily the oldest property on Wrightsville Beach and sandwiched between two massive homes that had gone up within the last ten years, making it seem even more diminutive. The paint was peeling, the roof was missing numerous shingles, and the porch was rotting; it wouldnt surprise him if the next decent storm blew it over, which would no doubt please the neighbors. Since hed moved in, neither family had ever spoken to him.
You think so? he said.
Hello? Its right on the beach. What else could you want? He motioned toward the ocean.
Can I go check it out?
Sure. But be careful. And stay behind the house. Dont wander off.
Deal.
Steve watched him jog off before turning to see Kim approaching. Ronnie had stepped out of the car as well but was still lingering near it.
Hi, Kim, he said.
Steve. She leaned in to give him a brief hug. You doing okay? she asked. You look thin.
Im okay.
Behind her, Steve noticed Ronnie slowly making her way toward them. He was struck by how much shed changed since the last photo Kim had e-mailed. Gone was the all-American girl he remembered, and in her place was a young woman with a purple streak in her long brown hair, black fingernail polish, and dark clothing. Despite the obvious signs of teenage rebellion, he thought again how much she resembled her mother. Good thing, too. She was, he thought, as lovely as ever.
He cleared his throat. Hi, sweetie. Its good to see you.
When Ronnie didnt answer, Kim scowled at her. Dont be rude. Your fathers talking to you. Say something.
Ronnie crossed her arms. All right. How about this? Im not going to play the piano for you.
Ronnie! Steve could hear Kims exasperation.
What? She tossed her head. I thought Id get that out of the way early.
Before Kim could respond, Steve shook his head. The last thing he wanted was an argument. Its okay, Kim.
Yeah, Mom. Its okay, Ronnie said, pouncing. I need to stretch my legs. Im going for a walk.
As she stomped away, Steve watched Kim struggle with the impulse to call her back. In the end, though, she said nothing.
Long drive? he asked, trying to lighten the mood.
You cant even imagine it.
He smiled, thinking that for just an instant, it was easy to imagine they were still married, both of them on the same team, both of them still in love.
Except, of course, that they werent.
After unloading the bags, Steve went to the kitchen, where he tapped ice cubes from the old-fashioned tray and dropped them into the mismatched glasses that had come with the place.
Behind him, he heard Kim enter the kitchen. He reached for a pitcher of sweet tea, poured two glasses, and handed one to her. Outside, Jonah was alternately chasing, and being chased by, the waves as seagulls fluttered overhead.