I was dumbfounded. So everyone left and no one bothered to look for us? They left me and Linden and Alwyn to die?
They didnt know you were there, lad. Susan Forest knocked on our door that night. Mum and I had already fled. You kids slept like the dead and were spelled besides. Fiona and I wanted you to sleep soundly, not to wake up in the middle of the night and find us missing and be afraid. Das voice caught there, and he shook his head as if to clear it. Anyway, when she got no answer, she figured wed all taken off.
I shook my head, frowning in disbelief. All this time Ive been mourning not only my parents, but everyone I knew, everyone in our village. And now youre telling me theyre hale and hearty, living thirty miles from home. I dont believe this! I said. Why didnt anyone contact us at Becks? Why hasnt anyone told me this before?
Da shrugged. I dont know. I guess Beck probably knows. Maybe he thought that if you knew, youd leave him and go back to the village.
Why didnt Brian Entwhistle bother to tell us that our parents were alive? I was feeling a growing sense of indignation. All those years of tears, of pain. . so much of it could have been avoided. It made me ill to think about it.
Da met my eyes. What would you have done if youd known?
Come to find you! I said.
Right.
Oh.
Your mum and I thought that if we sacrificed ourselves, we could save our children, save our coven. When I scried and saw the village gone, it was a hard blow. I thought it had been for nothing. I was relieved when I found out my vision had been wrong.
But after you learned that the coven was safe, why didnt you come back?
The dark wave was still after us. Im not sure if it was always Selene, but at the time we reckoned it was. No ones ever hated me like that. Goddess willing, no one ever will. At the time, it seemed that if we kept Selene occupied with finding us, shed have less time to go after other covens, other witches. It seemed worth it. He shrugged, as if that were no longer so clear.
Why arent you in hiding now? I asked. Are you not in danger anymore?
My father let out a deep breath, and again I was struck by how old he seemed, how frail. He looked like my grandfather. You know why. Selenes dead. Sos Cal.
I nodded. So he did know. I figured the council must have told him when theyd found him with Skys lead. I drank my tea, trying to digest this story. It was light-years away from anything I had imagined.
So now you work magick, now that youre not hiding from Amyranth?
Da shrugged, his thin shoulders rising like a coat hanger in his shirt. Like I said, Fionas dead, he said. No point in hiding, in keeping safe. The one thing I wanted to protect is gone. Whats the point in fighting anymore? It was for her I kept moving, kept finding new sanctuaries. She wanted us to stick to this plan; I wanted to do what she wanted. But shes gone now. Theres nothing left to protect. He spoke like an automaton, his words expressionless, his eyes focused on the table in front of him.
By the time he finished talking, my face was burning. On the one hand, I was glad that he and Mum had had some noble cause behind their disappearance, glad they had acted unselfishly, glad they had been trying to protect others. But it was also incredibly hurtful to listen to my own father basically negate my existence, my dead brothers, my sisters. Obviously staying alive now for our sakes hadnt occurred to him. I was glad he had been loyal to my mother; I was angry that he had not been loyal to his children.
Abruptly I got up and went into the living room. I undid the huge bundle of washing in the lounge, then made up Das bed with clean sheets and blankets. He was in the same position when I got back to the kitchen.
Im so sorry, son, he said in a thin voice. We thought we were acting for the best. Maybe we helped someI hope we did. Its hard to see clearly now what would have been best.
Yes. I see that. Well, its late, I said, not looking at him. It was only eight-thirty. Maybe we should turn in.
Aye. Im knackered, Da said. He got up and shuffled with his old mans walk toward the one bedroom. I sat down at the kitchen table, had another cup of tea, and listened to the deep silence of the house. Again I missed Morgan fiercely. If she were here, I would feel so much better, so much stronger. I imagined her arms coming around me, her long hair falling over my shoulder like a heavy, maple-colored curtain. I imagined us locked together, kissing, rolling around on my bed. I remembered her wanting to make love with me and my saying no. What an idiot Id been. I resolved to call her the next day as soon as I could get into town.
I washed up the few dishes and cleaned the kitchen. By ten oclock I felt physically exhausted enough to try to sleep. I wrapped myself up in a scratchy wool blanket and the ugly afghan. After being washed, the afghan was only about half as big as it had been. Oops.
From the couch I extinguished the lanterns and candles with my mind, and after they were snuffed, I lay in the darkness that is never really darkness, not for a witch. I thought about my unrecognizable da. When I was younger, hed seemed like a bear of a man, huge, powerful, an inevitable force to be reckoned with. Once when I was about six, I had been playing near an icy river that ran by our house. Of course I fell in, got carried downstream, and only barely managed to grab a low-hanging branch. I clung to it with all my strength while I frantically sent Da a witch message. It was long minutes before he came leaping down the bank toward me and splashed into the strong current. With one hand he grabbed my arm and hauled me out, flinging me toward the bank like a dead cat. I was shaking with cold, blue and numb, and mainly he felt Id gotten what Id deserved for being so stupid as to play near the river.
Thanks, Da, I gasped, my teeth chattering so hard, I almost bit my lip. He nodded at me abruptly, then gestured to my wet clothes. Dont let your mum see you like that. I watched him stride up the bank and out of sight, like a giant, then I crawled to my knees and made my way home.
But he could be so patient, teaching us spells. Hed begun on me when I was four, simple little spells to keep me from burning my mouth on my tea, to help me relax and concentrate, to track our dogs, Judy and Floss. Its true I caught on quickly; I was a good student. But its also true that Da was an incredibly good teacher, organized in his thoughts, able to impart information, able to give pertinent examples. He was kind when I messed up, and while he made it clear he expected a lot from me, still, he also made me feel that I was special, smart, quick, and satisfying to teach. I used to swell like a sponge when he praised me, almost bursting in the glow of his approval.
I turned on my side, trying to find a position that coordinated the old couchs lumps with my rib cage. I heard Da sleeping restlessly in the other room, as if he didnt even know how to do a soothing spell. Like yourself, idiot, said my critical inner voice. I rubbed the bridge of my nose with two fingers, trying to dispel a tension headache, then quickly sketched a few runes and sigils in the air, muttering words Id know since childhood. Where I am is safe and calm, I am hidden from the storm, I can close my eyes and breathe, now my worries will all leave. What second-year student doesnt know that? I said it, and instantly my eyes felt heavier, my breathing slowed, and I felt less stressed.
Just before I fell asleep, I remembered one last scene with my father. I had been seven and full of myself, leagues ahead of the other third-year students in our coven. To show off, I had crafted a spell to put on our cat, Mrs. Wilkie. It was to make her think a canary was dipping about her head so she would rear up on her hind paws and swat at it over and over again. Of course, nothing was there, and we kids were hysterical with laughter, watching her pointlessly swipe at the air.
Da hadnt found it so funny. He came down on us like the wrath of heaven, and of course my companions instantly gave me up, their fingers pointing at me silently. He hauled me up by my collar, undid the spell on poor Mrs. Wilkie, and then marched me to the woodshed (a real woodshed) and tanned my bum. I ate standing up for three days. Americans seem to be much more skittish about spanking, but I know that after that, I never again put a spell on an animal for fun. His approval was like the sun, his disapproval like a storm. I got love and affection from Mum, but it was being in Das good stead that mattered.
Today his approval or disapproval would mean little to me. With that last sad thought, I fell asleep.
7. Le Sorcier
December 2001
Today I found a bit of rock that had a thread of gold running through it. I held it in my hand and closed my eyes and felt its ancient fire warming my hand. I came home, crunching through the snow, and set the rock on my kitchen table. I stoked the fire and made myself some mulled cider. Then we sat together, the rock and I, and it told me its secrets. I knew its true name, the name of the rock and the name of the gold within it. Using the form as described by Davina Heartson, I gently, slowly, patiently coaxed the gold out of the rock. It came to me, running like water on fire, and now it sits in a tiny lump in my hand, the rock being empty where it was. It was such a beautiful thing, such a pure power, such a perfect knowledge, that I sat there and wept with it.
This is the value of my research. This is why I've gone to such lengths to collect true names. Knowing true names elevates my magick into something different from what most withes haves. I was born strong-I'm a Courceau. But the collection of true names I have gives me almost unlimited power over the known ones. Think of what I could do with some particular names. Think of what power I would wield. I could be virtually unstoppable. Then I could avenge my family, all those who have had their forces stripped, who have been persecuted, misunderstood, judged by smell-minded bureaucrats. They didn't understand who they were dealing with. I will make it my life's work to teach them.
J.C.
When I got up the next morning, Da was gone, just like he had been the day before. I wondered if the extra food hed been getting had given him more energy, because hed said he was going to work. Work? What work? I tried to engage him in a conversation about it but got nowhere. I could only assume that this had something to do with the notes thanking him for his skill as a sorcier; perhaps he was out on medicine-man business. I wished he would tell me more about it, because he scarcely seemed strong enough to go to the grocery store, never mind tending to the magickal needs of villagers. The previous afternoon when he had come home, his face had been the color of a cloudy sky. I wondered if his heart was okay. When was the last time he had seen a healer? I wished I could get him to one. As far as I knew, though, he was the only witch around.
But he was gone again, already gone when I woke up.
I meditated, fixed myself breakfast, then drove to town to call Morgan. Naturally, I discovered that if you phone your seventeen-year-old girlfriend at ten oclock on a Tuesday, shell be in school. After that disappointing episode, I hung around the house. I was starting to feel like a professional maid. I scrubbed the lounge floor (it was woodwhodve known?), whapped all the dust out of the furniture, and did a complete overhaul of the kitchen cabinets. I didnt know how long Id be there or what Da would do after I was gone, but Id laid in a good store of supplies.
Back in New York, I had pictured quite a different family reunion. Id pictured my parentschanged, to be sure, but still themselvesoverjoyed to see me, my mum crying tears of joy, Da clapping me on the back (Ive grown so tall!). Id pictured us sitting round a table, the three of us, sharing good stories and bad, sharing meals, catching each other up on our lives of the last eleven years.
I hadnt pictured a gray ghost of a father, my mother being dead, and me being Suzy Homekeeper while my da went off to his secretive work that the whole bloody village knew about but I didnt. Id wondered if my folks would be impressed or unhappy about my Seeker assignment from the council. Id wondered if theyd test my magickal strength, if they would be happy with my progress, my power. Id wanted to tell them about Morgan and even talk to them about what had happened with Linden, and with Selene and Cal. But Da had showed no interest in my life, asked no questions. Two of his four children were dead, and he hadnt asked any more about it. He hadnt asked about Beck or Shelagh or Sky or anyone else.
Goddess, why had I even come? And why was I staying? I sighed and looked around the cabin. It gave me a sad satisfaction: everything was tidy and scrubbed, clean and purified, the way a witchs house should be. I had sprinkled salt, burned sage, and performed purifying rites. The cabin no longer jangled my nerves when I walked into it. I had dragged it into the light. It was too bad the ground outside was still frozenI was itching to start digging up earth for a summer garden plot, every witchs mainstay. Sky and I had planned ours back in January. I hoped she would come back soon to help me with it.
Then my senses picked up on someone approaching the cabinDa returning? No. I turned off the gas burner on the stove and cast my senses more strongly.
When I answered the knock, I found a short First Nation woman standing on the porch. I didnt think Id seen her in town.
Her dark eyes squinted at me, and she didnt smile. Où est le sorcier?
I still found it hard to believe that my father was identified as such so openly. In danger or not, its never considered a good thing to be so obvious, so well known. Witches had been persecuted for hundreds of years, and it always made sense to be prudent.
I searched my mind for the little French Id learned to impress an ex-girlfriend. Il nest pas ici, I said haltingly.
The woman looked at me, then reached out her hand and touched my arm. I felt her warmth through my sweater. She gave a brisk nod, as if a suspicion had been confirmed. Vous être aussi un sorcier, she said matter-of-factly. Suivez-moi.