But on the other side of me things were even worse. I was next to Laura Danker! I was afraid to even look her way. Nancy warned me that reputations were catching. Well, I didn't have to worry because Laura didn't look my way either. She looked straight ahead. Naturally, the Four PTS's were all separated. But Nancy (that lucky!) got to sit next to Philip Leroy!
There wasn't any more
I thought a lot about it, but I didn't know anything meaningful that I was willing to share with Mr. Benedict. I mean, I couldn't very well come up with a year-long study about bras and what goes in them. Or about my feelings toward Moose. Or about God. Or could I? I mean, not about God exactly-I could never tell Mr. Benedict that-but maybe about religion. If I could figure out which religion to be I'd know if I wanted to join the Y or the Jewish Community Center. That was meaningful, wasn't it? I'd have to think about it.
Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. What would you think of me doing a project on religion? You wouldn't mind, would you God? I'd tell you all about it. And I won't make any decisions without asking you first. I think it's time for me to decide what to be. I can't go on being nothing forever, can I?
The following Saturday morning my mother drove me to the highway to get the New York bus. It was my first time going alone and my mother was nervous.
"Listen, Margaret-don't sit next to any men. Either sit alone or pick out a nice lady. And try to sit up front. If the bus isn't air-conditioned open your window. And when you get there ask a
"Don't worry, lady," the bus driver told my mother. Then my mother waved to me. I made a face at her and looked the other way.
I found grandma right where she was supposed to be. She gave me a big kiss. Grandma smelled delicious. She was wearing a green suit and had on lots of green eyeshadow to match. Her hair was silver blonde. Grandma's hair color changes about once a month.
When we were out of the bus terminal Grandma said, "You look beautiful, Margaret. I love your hair."
Grandma always has something nice to say to me. And my hair did look better. I read that if you brush it good it can grow up to an inch a month.
We went to lunch at a restaurant near Lincoln Center. During my chocolate parfait I whispered, "I'm wearing a bra. Can you tell?"
"Of course I can tell," Grandma said.
"You can?" I was really surprised. I stopped eating. "Well, how do you think it makes me look?"
"Much older," Grandma said, between sips of her coffee. I didn't know whether to believe her or not so I believed her.
Then we went to the concert. I didn't fidget like when I was a little kid. I sat very still and paid attention to the music. During intermission Grandma and I walked around outside. I love that fountain in the middle of Lincoln Center. I love it more than the concerts themselves. And I love to watch the people walk by. Once I saw a model having her picture taken by the fountain. It was freezing cold and she was wearing a summer dress. That's when I decided not to be a model. Even if I did get beautiful some day.
In the cab, on the way back to the bus terminal, I thought about Grandma being Jewish. She was the perfect person to help me start my project. So I asked her, "Can I go to temple with you sometime?"
Grandma absolutely stared at me. I never knew anyone could open her eyes so wide.
"What are you saying? Are you saying you want to be Jewish?" She held her breath.
"No. I'm saying I'd like to go to temple and see what it's all about."
"My Margaret!" Grandma threw her arms around me. I think the cab driver thought we were crazy. "I knew you were a Jewish girl at heart! I always knew it!" Grandma took out a lace hanky and dabbed her eyes.
"I'm not, Grandma," I insisted. "You know I'm not anything."
"You can say it, but I'll never believe it. Never!" She blew her nose. When she finished blowing she said, "I know what it is. You've made a lot of Jewish friends in Farbrook. Am I right?"