'Well now, your teaching in this subject has been rather disrupted and fragmented, hasn't it?' stated Professor Umbridge, turning to face the class with her hands clasped neatly in front of her. The constant changing of teachers, many of whom do not seem to have followed any Ministry-approved curriculum, has unfortunately resulted in your being far below the standard we would expect to see in your OWL year.
'You will be pleased to know, however, that these problems are now to be rectified. We will be following a carefully structured, theory-centred, Ministry-approved course of defensive magic this year. Copy down the following, please.'
She rapped the blackboard again; the first message vanished and was replaced by the 'Course Aims'.
For a couple of minutes the room was full of the sound of scratching quills on parchment. When everyone had copied down Professor Umbridge's three course aims she asked, 'Has everybody got a copy of
Defensive Magical Theory
Professor Umbridge left the blackboard and settled herself in the chair behind the teacher's desk, observing them all closely with those pouchy toad's eyes. Harry turned to page five of his copy of
Magical Theory.
After several more minutes had passed, however, Harry was not the only one watching Hermione. The chapter they had been instructed to read was so tedious that more and more people were choosing to watch Hermione's mute attempt to catch Professor Umbridge's eye rather than struggle on with 'Basics for Beginners'.
When more than half the class were staring at Hermione rather than at their books, Professor Umbridge seemed to decide that she could ignore the situation no longer.
'Did you want to ask something about the chapter, dear?' she asked Hermione, as though she had only just noticed her.
'Not about the chapter, no,' said Hermione.
'Well, we're reading just now,' said Professor Umbridge, showing her small pointed teeth. 'If you have other queries we can deal with them at the end of class.'
'I've got a query about your course aims,' said Hermione.
Professor Umbridge raised her eyebrows.
'And your name is?'
'Hermione Granger,' said Hermione.
'Well, Miss Granger, I think the course aims are perfectly clear if you read them through carefully,' said Professor Umbridge in a voice of determined sweetness.
'Well, I don't,' said Hermione bluntly. 'There's nothing written up there about using defensive spells.'
There was a short silence in which many members of the class turned their heads to frown at the three course aims still written on the blackboard.
'
'We're not going to use magic?' Ron exclaimed loudly.
'Students raise their hands when they wish to speak in my class, Mr — ?'
'Weasley,' said Ron, thrusting his hand into the air.
Professor Umbridge, smiling still more widely, turned her back on him. Harry and Hermione immediately raised their hands too. Professor Umbridge's pouchy eyes lingered on Harry for a moment before she addressed Hermione.
'Yes, Miss Granger? You wanted to ask something else?'
'Yes,' said Hermione. 'Surely the whole point of Defence Against the Dark Arts is to practise defensive spells?'
'Are you a Ministry-trained educational expert, Miss Granger?' asked Professor Umbridge, in her falsely sweet voice.
'No, but — '
'Well then, I'm afraid you are not qualified to decide what the "whole point" of any class is. Wizards much older and cleverer than you have devised our new programme of study. You will be learning about defensive spells in a secure, risk-free way — '
'What use is that?' said Harry loudly. 'If we're going to be attacked, it won't be in a — '
'
'And your name is?' Professor Umbridge said to Dean.
'Dean Thomas.'
'Well, Mr Thomas?'
'Well, it's like Harry said, isn't it?' said Dean. 'If we're going to be attacked, it won't be risk free.'
'I repeat,' said Professor Umbridge, smiling in a very irritating fashion at Dean, 'do you expect to be attacked during my classes?'
'No, but — '
Professor Umbridge talked over him. 'I do not wish to criticise the way things have been run in this school,' she said, an unconvincing smile stretching her wide mouth, 'but you have been exposed to some very irresponsible wizards in this class, very irresponsible indeed — not to mention,' she gave a nasty little laugh, 'extremely dangerous half-breeds.'
'If you mean Professor Lupin,' piped up Dean angrily, 'he was the best we ever —
'
'No we haven't,' Hermione said, 'we just — '
'
'
Hermione put up her hand. Professor Umbridge turned away from her.
'It is my understanding that my predecessor not only performed illegal curses in front of you, he actually performed them on you.'
'Well, he turned out to be a maniac, didn't he?' said Dean hotly. 'Mind you, we still learned loads.'
'
' trilled Professor Umbridge. 'Now, it is the view of the Ministry that a theoretical knowledge will be more than sufficient to get you through your examination, which, after all, is what school is all about. And your name is?' she added, staring at Parvati, whose hand had just shot up.
'Parvati Patil, and isn't there a practical bit in our Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL? Aren't we supposed to show that we can actually do the counter-curses and things?'
'As long as you have studied the theory hard enough, there is no reason why you should not be able to perform the spells under carefully controlled examination conditions,' said Professor Umbridge dismissively.
'Without ever practising them beforehand?' said Parvati incredulously. 'Are you telling us that the first time we'll get to do the spells will be during our exam?'
'I repeat, as long as you have studied the theory hard enough — '
'And what good's theory going to be in the real world?' said Harry loudly, his fist in the air again.
Professor Umbridge looked up.
'This is school, Mr Potter, not the real world,' she said softly.
'So we're not supposed to be prepared for what's waiting for us out there?'
'There is nothing waiting out there, Mr Potter.'
'Oh, yeah?' said Harry. His temper, which seemed to have been bubbling just beneath the surface all day, was reaching boiling point.
'Who do you imagine wants to attack children like yourselves?' enquired Professor Umbridge in a horribly honeyed voice.
'Hmm, let's think . . .' said Harry in a mock thoughtful voice. 'Maybe . . .
'Ten points from Gryffindor, Mr Potter.'
The classroom was silent and still. Everyone was staring at either Umbridge or Harry.
'Now, let me make a few things quite plain.'
Professor Umbridge stood up and leaned towards them, her stubby-fingered hands splayed on her desk.
'You have been told that a certain Dark wizard has returned from the dead — '
'He wasn't dead,' said Harry angrily, 'but yeah, he's returned!'
'Mr-Potter-you-have-already-lost-your-house-ten-points-do-not-make-matters-worse-for-yourself,' said Professor Umbridge in one breath without looking at him. 'As I was saying, you have been informed that a certain Dark wizard is at large once again. This is
lie.
Professor Umbridge sat down behind her desk. Harry, however, stood up. Everyone was staring at him; Seamus looked half-scared, half-fascinated.