I closed my eyes, my hands fisted at my sides. Whatever the aliens were doing, whatever they were intent on they were really beginning to piss me off!
Bethany. I forced my eyes open. Bret was watching me with wide eyed worry. Are you ok?
I wanted to be a better person for him, wanted to be the person he thought I was. I wanted to be kinder, more understanding, and more patient. I wanted to be happier, more giving, and more faithful. I wanted to show some sort of emotion, other than fury right now, but I couldnt. I was none of those things, yet Bret was certain that I was. I hated to disappoint him, but I didnt know how to be anything different. I had tried to be that person for him for the past few months, I truly had, but it was impossible for me. I thought that if he understood things would be different between us, but he didnt, and they werent.
In fact I was fairly certain he wouldnt want anything to do with the person I truly was, because he was just too good to understand that person, and the darkness that resided within me. I was a survivor, I was a fighter, and I was hard . It was the first time I admitted that fact to myself, but it was true. I was cold and I was hard. I had thought that it was the death of my father that had caused me to be this way, but I was slowly beginning to realize that I was wrong. Jenna had more than likely lost her family, yet she was comforting Abby. Bret had more than likely lost his parents and yet he was still caring and good.
Yes, I had watched my father die. Yes, I had been young and defenseless. But we were defenseless now, and yet I still sensed more humanity in them than I did in myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldnt I be like them?
My gaze finally went to Cade. For the first time I was able to look at him. The duffel bag with the guns was slung over his shoulder, his hand rested against the strap. Cade was a wealth of mystery and confusion to me that I wasnt sure I would ever understand. Yet, as his dark eyes landed upon me, I knew, with unfailing certainty that he understood me completely. He saw inside of me and knew what kind of person I was.
He saw my many flaws, and for some strange reason he didnt mind them. He saw the depths of my imperfections, the intensity of my coldness, and he understood it. I was suddenly struck by the realization that I didnt know what was worse. Being completely understood and accepted for my many defects, or constantly trying to prove that I did not have them, that I was a better person than I actually was.
Was it better to be accepted for being an awful human being, or to have someone believe that I was something better than I was?
Cades eyes narrowed, his head tilted to the side. Displeasure flashed across his features, his hand tightened on the strap around his chest. The moonlight hit his onyx eyes turning them nearly blue in the bright light.
Bethany?
Im fine, I responded as I turned my attention back to Bret.
Maybe we should stop.
We need to keep moving.
Keep moving where? Jenna asked; her voice soft and forlorn.
Somewhere. Though I had no idea where. I just knew that we could not sit still. If we stopped we were sitting ducks.
Somewhere is not an answer! she retorted sharply. We need to have somewhere to go; just roaming aimlessly around is doing nothing for any of us! We need to find somewhere safe to hide!
Oh, and since you know where all of those places are, why dont you just tell us where to go! I snapped back.
Jenna glared at me, her delicate jaw clenched tight as her pretty eyes narrowed. Ok, easy, we should probably come up with some kind of plan, Bret interjected calmly. We need to find shelter.
Im not going inside again, I responded at once.
They all looked at me in surprise, even Cade seemed slightly taken aback. Bethy
No Aiden. If you guys would like to find shelter, that is fine, but there is no way in hell I am going inside again. Not right now anyway, I amended when I saw their distraught faces. I was not going inside again anytime soon, quite possibly never again, judging by the way I felt right now.
Well we have to find some place to hide!
Jennas whining tone was grating on my last nerve. I understood that she was frightened, but I had never had a vast storage of patience (yet another fault of mine), and I found that I had even less now. My nerve
endings felt flayed, they felt as if someone was constantly taking a match to them. I was hurt, I was frightened too, but most of all I was angry and she was irritating that anger right now.
And we will, Cade assured Jenna touching her arm briefly, reassuringly. I looked quickly away, unable to take the sight of them right now as unreasonable jealousy tore through me. They were both so beautiful, so perfect. But for now, we have to keep moving.
The old lighthouse, only teens go there anymore. It will be safe, Jenna said softly.
Nothing is safe anymore, Abby whispered.