So, hows the relationship doing? she said. Aside from the whoopee. Every last thing was in Amelias car. She was stalling, dreading the moment when she actually got into her car and drove away.
It was only pride that was keeping me from bawling all over her.
I think were getting along pretty well, I said with a great effort at sounding cheerful. Im still not sure what I feel as opposed to what the bond is making me feel. It was kind of nice to be able to talk about my supernatural connection to Eric, as well as my regular old man-woman attraction. Even before my injuries during the Fae War, Eric and I had established what the vampires called a blood bond, since wed exchanged blood several times. I could sense Erics general location and his mood, and he could feel the same things about me. He was always faintly present in the back of my mindsort of like turning on a fan or an air filter to provide a little buzz of noise that would help you get to sleep. (It was good for me that Eric slept all day, because I could be by myself at least part of the time. Maybe he felt the same way after I went to bed at night?) It wasnt like I heard voices in my head or anythingat least no more than usual. But if I felt happy, I had to check to make sure it was me and not Eric who felt happy. Likewise for anger; Eric was big on anger, controlled and carefully banked anger, especially lately. Maybe he was getting that from me. I was pretty full of anger myself these days.
Id forgotten all about Amelia. Id stepped right into my own trough of depression.
She snapped me out of it. Thats just a big fat excuse, she said tartly. Come on, Sookie. You love him, or you dont. Dont keep putting off thinking about it by blaming everything on your bond. Wah, wah, wah. If you hate the bond so much, why havent you explored how you can get free of it? She took in the expression on my face, and the irritation faded out of her own. Do you want me to ask Octavia? she asked in a milder voice. If anyone would know, she would.
Yes, Id like to find out, I said, after a moment. I took a deep breath. Youre right, I guess. Ive been so depressed Ive put off making any decisions, or acting on the ones Ive already made. Erics one of a kind. But I find him. a little overwhelming. He was a strong personality, and he was used to being the big fish in the pond. He also knew he had infinite time ahead of him.
I did not.
He hadnt brought that up yet, but sooner or later, he would.
Overwhelming or not, I love him, I continued. Id never said it out loud. And I guess thats the bottom line.
I guess it is. Amelia tried to smile at me, but it was a woeful attempt. Listen, you keep that up, the self-knowledge thing. She stood for a moment, her expression frozen into the half smile. Well, Sook, I better get on the road. My dads expecting me. Hell be
all up in my business the minute I get back to New Orleans.
Amelias dad was rich, powerful, and had no belief in Amelias power at all. He was very wrong not to respect her witchcraft. Amelia had been born with the potential for the power in her, as every true witch is. Once Amelia had some more training and discipline, she was going to be really scaryscary on purpose, rather than because of the drastic nature of her mistakes. I hoped her mentor, Octavia, had a program in place to develop and train Amelias talent.
After I waved Amelia down the driveway, the broad smile dropped from my face. I sat on the porch steps and cried. It didnt take much for me to be in tears these days, and my friends departure was just the trigger now. There was so much to weep about.
My sister-in-law, Crystal, had been murdered. My brothers friend Mel had been executed. Tray and Claudine and Clancy the vampire had been killed in the line of duty. Since both Crystal and Claudine had been pregnant, that added two more deaths to the list.
Probably that should have made me long for peace above all else. But instead of turning into the Bon Temps Gandhi, in my heart I held the knowledge that there were plenty of people I wanted dead. I wasnt directly responsible for most of the deaths that were scattered in my wake, but I was haunted by the feeling that none of them would have happened if it werent for me. In my darkest momentsand this was one of themI wondered if my life was worth the price that had been paid for it.
MARCH
THE END OF THE FIRST WEEK
My cousin Claude was sitting on the front porch when I got up on a cloudy, brisk morning a few days after Amelias departure. Claude wasnt as skilled at masking his presence as my great-grandfather Niall was. Because Claude was fae, I couldnt read his mindbut I could tell his mind was there, if that isnt too obscure a way to put it. I carried my coffee out to the porch, though the air was nippy, because drinking that first cup on the porch had been one of my favorite things to do before I. before the Fae War.
I hadnt seen my cousin in weeks. I hadnt seen him during the Fae War, and he hadnt contacted me since the death of Claudine.