Maybe there was an intention. A plan, a fate.
And maybe it hated them.
It was just so quiet, and the others were so very far away.
She thought of the Dashnag boy from the Hintermost, and of the Shadows That Live and Amzallag, whom she had just restored to lifeAmzallag, who had hopes of gleaning his childrens souls from the ruin of Loramendiand all the others, and most of all, she thought of Ziri, bearing up under his burden, shouldering the deception alone now in the absence of Issa, Ten, and herself. Dying as the Wolf.
Evanescing.
Hed given everything, or would soon, while she was here, safe with Akiva. And her emotions were a poisonous brew in the pit of her empty, empty stomach, because deep down, unspeakably, under all the horror and turmoil, there was at least a shred of dear god, surely it wasnt gladness . Relief, then, to be alive. It couldnt be wrong, to be relieved to be alive, but it felt wrong. So very, very cowardly.
Akivas wings were fanning slowly to keep him aloft. Karou just hovered. Behind them, Virko was flying short back-and-forths with Mik and Zuzana on his back. Oh. Karou did a double take. Virko. He wasnt meant to stay here; he couldnt pass for human, not even close. He was to have set Mik and Zuze down and circled back to the portal. But Karous thoughts skipped over him for now. Akiva was looking at her, and she was sure he was feeling the same poisonous mix of relief and horror that she was. Worse, because of Lirazs sacrifice. She decided, hed said. That I should be the one to live.
Karou shook her head yet again, as if somehow she could shake out every black thought. If it were you , she said, looking right into his eyes, if it were you on the other side right now, like it almost was, Id believe you were okay. Id have to believe it, and I have to believe it now. Theres nothing we can do.
We could go back, he said. We could fly straight for the other portal.
Karou didnt have an answer for that. She didnt want to say no. Her own heart lifted at the idea, even as her reason told her it was untenable. How long would it take? she asked after a pause. From here to Uzbekistan, and then,
on the other side, from the Veskal Range back to the Adelphas.
Akivas jaw clenched and unclenched. Half a day, he said, his voice tight. At least.
Neither of them said it aloud, but they both knew: By the time they could get back, the battle would be over, one way or another, and theyd have failed in their task here on top of everything. It wasnt a failure they could afford.
Hating to be the voice of sense in the face of grief, Karou asked, cautiously, If it were Liraz here with me, and you were there, what would you want us to do?
Akiva considered her. His eyes burned out of hooded shadows, and she couldnt tell what he was thinking. She wanted to reach for his hand like she had on the other side, but it felt wrong, somehow, like she was using her wiles to persuade him to give up something intensely important. She didnt want that; she couldnt make this decision for him, so she just waited, and his answer was heavy. Id want you to do what you came for.
And there it was. It wasnt even a real choice. They couldnt reach the others in time to make a difference, and even if they could reach them, what difference could they hope to make? But it felt like a choice, like a turning away, and in Karou, like a bloodstain, bloomed the earliest apprehension of the guilt that was to haunt her.
Did I do enough? Did I do everything I could?
No.
Even now, barely this side of catastrophe and the battle still under way in the other world, she could already taste the way that it would taint any happiness she could hope to find or make with Akiva. It would be like dancing on a battlefield, waltzing around corpses, to build a life out of this.
Look out, dont step there, one two three, dont trip on the corpse of your sister.
Um, guys? It was Miks voice. Karou turned to her friends, blinking back tears. Im not sure what the plan is, Mik said, his voice tentative. He looked pale and stunned, as did Zuzana, gripping Virko tight and in turn gripped by Mik. But we need to get out of here. Those helicopters?
This was a jolt to Karou. Helicopters? She saw them now, and heard what she should have noticed sooner. Whumpwhumpwhump
Theyre coming this way, said Mik. Fast.
And so they wereseveral, converging on them from the compass points. What the hell? This was no-mans-land. What were helicopters doing here? And then she got a very bad feeling.
The kasbah, she said, a new horror dawning. Damn it. The pit.
Eliza was not quite herself today. She was faking it well enough, she thought, taking a swig of tea. She had her family to thank for that ability. Thank you , she thought, with the special bile reserved for them, for the complete disconnection of my emotions from my facial muscles. It comes in so handy for pretending Im not losing my mind. After years of concealing misery, shame, confusion, humiliation, and fear, she could pretty much walk through life like a blank, her facade imperturbable, a thing scarcely animate.