No. He swallowed hard. There was nothing you said that I didnt deserve. And worse.
Was that pity in her eyes? Exasperation? Are you determined to be unforgivable? she asked.
He shook his head. Nothing Im doing is for me, Karou, or for any hope I have for myself, of forgiveness or anything else.
And under that black-eyed scrutiny, he had to ask himself: Was this true?
It was and wasnt. No matter how much he tried not to hold out hope, hope surfaced, persistent. He had no more control over it than he did over the drone of the wind. But was it the reason he was doing any of this? For the chance of a reward? No. If he knew absolutely that Karou would never forgive him and never love him again, he would still do anything in his powerand beyond his power, it seemed, in the mind-bending light of sirithar to rebuild the world for her.
Even if he had to stand back and watch her walk through it at the White Wolfs side?
Even then.
But he didnt know absolutely that there was no hope. Not yet.
I forgive you. I love you. I want you, at the end of all this. The dream, peace, and you.
This is what Karou wished to say, and its what she wished to hear, too. She didnt want to be told that Akiva had given up the hope of her, and that whatever his motivation was now, it was no longer the fullness of their dream, which had been not merely peace, but themselves together in it. Had he cut the dream up for kindling? Had she ? Had it already been fed to the fire?
I believe you, she said. No hope for himself. It was noble, and it was bleak, and it wasnt the conduit her own unspoken words needed. They were heavy in her, and clinging. How do you just thrust I love you out into the air? It needs waiting arms to catch it. At least, right now, Karous unpracticed, unspoken I love you did. After months of its being crushed down into the recesses of her fury and warped out of all natural shape, she could no more blurt it out than she could grab Akivas face and kiss him.
Kiss him. That felt a million miles from possible.
Her eyes did their timid dance of glances again, taking him in in snapshots. A freeze-frame of his face, and then dropping her gaze again to the stone slab or her own hands, she held the glimpse in her mind. Akivas golden skin, his full lips, his taut, haunted expression and the retreat in his eyes. Back in the cavern, his eyes had reached for her like the rays of the sun. Now they shrank from hers, reticent and guarded. Karou wanted to feel the sun again. But when she lifted her eyes from her restless hands, Akiva was staring down at the stone slab.
Between the pair of them, youd think this table was one fascinating artifact.
Well. It wasnt only I love you that she had come to say. She took a deep breath, and got on with the rest.
I need to tell you something.
Akiva looked up again. Instantly, something new in Karous tone set him on edge. Her hesitation, the catch in her voice. He didnt have to struggle now to keep his hope at bay. Hope deserted him.
What is she going to say?
That she was with the Wolf now. The alliance was a mistake. The chimaera were leaving. He would never see her again.
He wanted to blurt, I have something to tell you, too , and keep her from saying whatever it was. He wanted to tell her of his new magic, as yet untested, and ask for her help with it. Its what hed hoped for, if she actually came here. He wanted to tell her what hed made possiblefor
their armies, if not for themselves.
Things change. They can be changed, by those with the will.
Worlds, even. Maybe.
Its about Thiago, she said, and he felt the cool touch of finality. Of course it was the Wolf. When hed seen them curved toward each other, laughing, hed known, but a part of his mind had insisted on denying itit was unthinkableand then, when shed looked across the cavern to him like that, to him , hed hoped
Hes not who you think, Karou said, and Akiva knew what was coming next.
He braced for it.
I killed him, she whispered.
Wait.
What?
I killed Thiago. This isnt him. I mean, its not his soul. She took a deep, dragging breath and rushed on. His soul is gone. Hes gone. Ive hated letting you think that I and he I could never have forgiven him, or A quicksilver glance, and, as if shed read his thoughts: Or laughed with him. And there could never have been peace while he was alive. And this alliance? Emphatically, she shook her head. Never. Hed have killed you and Liraz at the kasbah.
Wait, said Akiva, trying to catch up. Wait. What was she saying? Her words wouldnt settle into sense. The Wolf was dead? The Wolf was dead, and whoever was walking around claiming that title it wasnt him. Akiva stared at Karou. The idea spun him. He didnt even know what questions to ask.
I wanted to tell you before, she said. But I have to be careful. Its all so fragile. No one knows. Only Issa and Ten and Tens not really Ten, either but if the rest of the chimaera found out, wed lose them like that. She snapped her fingers.
Akiva was still trying to grasp the basic premise.