Karou turned abruptly back toward the darkness, buying herself some space. Even Ziris spirit couldnt alter the Wolfs physical presence enough that his nearness wouldnt make her shudder. Her wounds still ached. Her ear throbbed where those teeth had torn it. And she didnt even have to close her eyes to remember how it had felt, being trapped beneath that bodys weight.
How are you holding up? he asked, after a silent moment.
Im okay, she said. Ill be better once we know. She nodded into the night as if the sky held the futurewhich, she supposed, if Akiva was flying back to them, it did, one way or another. Her heart suddenly squeezed. How deep was the future? How far did it go?
And who was in it with her?
Me, too, said Ziri. At least, Ill be better if the news is good. I dont know what to do if this plan fails.
Me, neither. Karou attempted a brave face. But well think of something if we have to.
He nodded. I am hoping to see the place where I was born.
So hesitant in his words. Hed been a baby when they lost their tribe, and had no memories of life before Loramendi. You can call it home, Karou said. At least, to me you can.
Do you remember it?
She nodded. I remember the caves. Faces are harder. My parents are blurs.
It hurt to admit this. Ziri had been a baby, but shed been seven when it happened, and there was no one else left to remember. The Kirin existed only as long as her memory held on to them, and they were mostly gone already. She hunched around a pang of conscience. Would she forget Ziris face, too? The thought of his body in its shallow grave haunted her. The way the dirt had caught in his eyelashes, then her last glimpse of his brown eyes before shed covered them over. The blisters on her hands still stung from her desperate burying; she couldnt feel that pain without seeing his face slack in death. But soon enough, she knew, it would lose its clarity. She should draw him alive while she still could. But she couldnt show him if she did. He had a way of reading too much into small gestures, and she didnt want to give him hope. Not the hope he wanted, anyway.
Will you show me around, when if we get there? he asked.
We wont have much time, she said.
I know. But I hope theres some time to be alone, even for a little while.
Alone? Karou tensed. What did he think, that they would find themselves alone?
But he tensed, too, on seeing her expression freeze. I dont mean alone with you. I mean, not that I wouldnt but I didnt mean that. Just He took a deep breath, let it out hard. Im just tired, Karou. To not be watched, and not worry that Im making some misstep, for just a little while. Thats all I meant.
Oh god, how selfish was she, thinking only of herself? The pressure on him was so great, crushing, and she couldnt even stand the thought of being alone with him? Couldnt even pretend to stand it?
Im so sorry, she said, miserable. For all of this.
Dont be. Please. I wont say its easy, but its worth it. He looked and sounded so earnest. Again, the expression was utterly foreign to the Wolfs face and voice, reshaping both, and managing even to tinge the generals untouchable beauty with sweetness. Oh, Ziri. For what we might accomplish, he added. Together.
Together.
Karous heart mutinied, and if there had been a shadow of doubt remaining, it wouldnt have survived this surge of clarity. Her heart was half of a different togethera dream begun in another body, and, contrary to the lie shed been telling herself for months, apparently not ended in it.
She forced a smile, because it wasnt Ziris fault, and he deserved better
from her, but she couldnt make herself say the word together .
Not to him, anyway.
Ziri saw the strain in Karous smile. He wanted to believe it was because she was forced to look at him through this body, but he knew. Just like that. If he hadnt known absolutely before this moment, it was his own fault, not hers, and it settled in him now.
No hope here. No luck friction, not for him.
He bid her good night, left her there pacing on the ledgewatching for the angel to returnand felt, as he walked away, the features of this face slip back into their habitual expression. There was a minor twist at the corners of the lips to convey amusementthe cruel kind. But it wasnt Ziris. He was not amused. Karou was still in love with Akiva? The real Thiago would have been disgusted, furious. The fake Thiago was only heartbroken.
He was also jealous, and it made him sick.
He felt the loss of his body more keenly than ever, not because it would have made a difference to Karou, but because he wanted to flyto be free even for a little while, to exhaust his wings and lungs, smash himself against the night and let his sorrow show on this face that wasnt even his ownbut he couldnt even do that. He didnt have wings. Just fangs. Just claws.
I could howl at the moons , he thought with a scrape of despair, and where his hope had been, in that space of new cold, he placed another that did little to warm it.