Plates and pipes, a comb, a kettle.
And a bed. A bed and a blanket to cover them, a blanket that was theirs together. There was something in the thought of this simple, simple thing that had crystallized all of Akivas hope and vulnerability and made him able to see and believe, truly, that he could be a a person , after the war. It had seemed to him, this morning, in flight, almost within reach.
He hadnt bothered dreaming of where this home would be, or what you would see when you walked out the door, but now when he imagined it, that was all he saw: what lay outside the quiet little paradise of his daydream.
Corpses were strewn everywhere.
Not a paradise, Karou said, faltering, and she flushed and briefly closed her eyes. Akiva, looking down at her, was caught by the sight of her lashes, dusky and trembling against the blue-tinged flesh around her eyes. And when she opened her eyes, there was the jolt of eye contact, the pupil-less black sheen of her gaze, depthless, and all her worry was there, and pain to match his own, but also strength.
I know theres no paradise waiting for us, she said. But happiness has to go somewhere, doesnt it? I think Eretz deserves some, and so She was shy. There was still the space between them. I think we should put ours there, and not in some random paradise that doesnt really need it. She hesitated, looked up at him. Looked and looked, pouring herself out through her extraordinary eyes. For him. For him. Dont you?
Happiness, he said, his voice holding the word so gently, a tinge of disbelief in his tone, as though happiness itself were as much a myth as all their gods and monsters.
Dont give up, Karou whispered. It isnt wrong to be glad to be alive.
A silence, and she could feel him struggling to find words. I keep getting second chances, he said, that arent rightly mine.
She didnt answer right away. She knew what guilt he shouldered. The magnitude of Lirazs sacrifice shook her to her core. After another long, deep breath, she whispered, hoping it wasnt the wrong thing to say, It was hers to give, feeling that it was a gift not only to Akiva but to herself.
And, if Brimstone was right, that hope was the only hope, and that the two of them were, somehow, hope made real, then it was a gift for Eretz as well.
Maybe, he allowed. You argued before that the dead dont want to be avenged, and that may be right, sometimes, but when youre the one left alive
We dont know that theyre Karou broke in, but couldnt even finish the sentence.
Life feels stolen.
Given.
And the only response that makes sense to the heart is vengeance, he said.
I know. Believe me. But Im hiding in a shower with you instead of trying to kill you, so it would seem that
the heart can change its mind.
A ghost of a smile. That was something. Karou returned it, not a ghost but a real smile, remembering every beautiful smile of his, all those lost, radiant smiles, and making herself believe that they werent forever ended. People break. They cant always be fixed. But not this time. Not that.
This isnt the end of hope, she said. We dont know about the others, but even if we did, and even if it was the worst were still here, Akiva. And Im not giving up as long as that much is true. She was serious. Fervent, even, as if she could force him to believe her.
And maybe it worked.
There had always been, from the firstat Bullfinch, in the smoke and fogan amazement in the way Akiva looked at her, his eyes held wide to take her all in. Afraid to blink, almost to breathe. Something of that amazement came back to him now, and his steeliness and the implacability of his rage surrendered to it. So much of expression is the muscles around the eyes, and Karou saw the tension there let go, and it triggered a relief in her that may have been vastly disproportionate to the small change that brought it about. Or maybe perfectly proportionate. This was no small thing. If only it were that easy to let go of hate. Just relax your face.
Youre right, Akiva said. Im sorry.
I dont want you to be sorry. I want you to be alive.
Alive. Heart-beating, blood-moving alive, yes, but more than that. She wanted him to be eyes-flashing alive. Hands-to-hearts and we are the beginning alive.
I am, he said, and there was life in his voice, and promise.
Karou was prey, still, to flashes of remembering him through Madrigals eyes. She had been taller in that body, so the sightline was different, but this moment still struck a direct link to memory: the requiem grove for the first time, just before their first kiss. The blaze of his look and the curve of his body toward her. Thats what struck the vibration between then and now, and time cast a loop that brought her heart back to its simpler self.
Some things are always simple. Magnets, for example.
It took hardly any movement at all. It wasnt the requiem grove, and it wasnt a kiss. Karous cheek was just of a height to let it rest against Akivas chest, and she did, finally, and the rest of her body followed her cheeks good example. The damned wisp of space was abolished. Akivas heart beat against her temple, and his arms came around to hold her; he was warm as summer, and she felt the sigh that moved through him, loosening him so that he could meld more fully to her, and she sighed her own loosening sigh and met his meld. It felt so good. No air between us , thought Karou, and no more shame. Nothing more between us.