Polly never thought I should get better, and one time no more did I; for about a month before this time, as I lay hollow-eyed and yellow on the bed, knowing, too, how bad I looked for I used to make young Dick bring me the looking-glass every morning the doctor came as usual, and like a blunt Englishman I put it to him flat.
Doctor, I says, you dont think I shall get better? and I looked him straight in the face.
Oh, come, come, my man! he says, smiling, we never look at the black side like that.
None of that, doctor, I says; out with it like a man. I can stand it: Ive been expecting to be drowned or blown up half my life, so I shant be scared at what you say.
Well, my man, he says, your symptoms are of a very grave nature. You see the fever had undermined you before you came home, and unless
All right, doctor, I says; I understand: you mean that unless you can get a new plate in the boiler, she wont stand another voyage.
Oh, come! we wont look upon it as a hopeless case, he says; theres always hope; and after a little more talk, he shook hands and went away.
Next day, when he came, I had been thinking it all over, and was ready for him. I dont believe I was a bit better; in fact, I know I was drifting fast, and I saw it in his eyes as well.
I waited till he had asked me his different questions, and then just as he was getting up to go, I asked him to sit down again.
Polly, my dear, I says, I just want a few words with the doctor; and she put her apron up to her eyes and went out, closing the door after her very softly, while the doctor looked at me curious-like, and waited for me to speak.
Doctor, I says, youve about given me up. There, dont shake your head, for I know. Now dont you think Im afraid to die, for I dont believe I am; but look here: theres seven children downstairs, and if I leave my wife a widow with the few pounds Ive been able to save, whats to become of them? Cant you pull me through?
My dear fellow, he says, honestly Ive done everything I can for your case.
Thats what you think, doctor, I says, but look here: Ive been at sea thirty years, and in seven wrecks. Its been like dodging death with me a score of times. Why, I pulled my wife there regularly out of the hands of death, and Im not going to give up now. Ive been
Stop, stop, he says gently. Youre exciting yourself.
Not a bit, I says, though my voice was quite a whisper. Ive had this over all night, and Ive come to think I must be up and doing my duty.
But, my good man he began.
Listen to me, doctor, I says. A score of times I might have given up and been drowned, but I made a fight for it and was saved. Now I mean to make a fight for it here, for the sake of the wife and bairns. I dont mean to die, doctor, without a struggle. I believe this here, that lifes given to us all as a treasure to keep; we might throw it away by our own folly at any time, but theres hundreds of times when we may preserve it, and we never know whether we can save it till we try. Give me a drink of that water.
He held the glass to my lips, and I took a big draught and went on, he seeming all the time to be stopping to humour me in my madness.
Thats better, doctor, I says. Now look here, sir, speaking as one who has sailed the seas, its a terrible stormy time with me; theres a lee shore close at hand, the fires are drowned out, and unless we
can get up a bit of sail, theres no chance for me. Now then, doctor, can you get up a bit of sail?
Ill go and send you something that will quiet you, he said, rising.
Thank ye, doctor, I says, smiling to myself. And now look here, I says, Im not going to give up till the last; and when that last comes, and the ships going down, why, I shall have a try if I cant swim to safety. If that fails, and I can really feel that it is to be, why, I hope I shall go down into the great deep calmly, like a hopeful man, praying that Somebody above will forgive me all Ive done amiss, and stretch out His fatherly hand to my little ones at home.
He went away, and I dropped asleep, worn out with my exertion.
When I woke, Polly was standing by the bedside watching me, with a bottle and glass on the little table.
As soon as she saw my eyes open, she shook up the stuff, and poured it into a wine-glass.
Is that what the doctor sent? I says.
Yes, dear; you were to take it directly.
Then I shant take it, I says. Hes given me up, and that stuffs only to keep me quiet. Polly, you go and make me some beef-tea, and make it strong.
She looked horrified, poor old girl, and was going to beg me to take hold of the rotten life-belt hed sent me, when I held out my shaking hand for it, took the glass, and let it tilt over there was only about a couple of teaspoonfuls in it and the stuff fell on the carpet.
I saw the tears come in her eyes, but she said nothing only put down the glass, and ran out to make the beef-tea.
The doctor didnt come till late next day, and I was lying very still and drowsy, half asleep like, but I was awake enough to hear him whisper to Polly, Sinking fast; and I heard her give such a heart-broken sob, that as the next great wave came on the sea where I was floating, I struck out with all my might, rose over it, and floated gently down the other side.