"Only another dole," said he;
"It is a famous Ministry."
I am the very pattern of an up-to-date cook-general,
I've information vegetable, animal and mineral;
I've passed the seventh standard, and I vary the monotony
Of flirting with the butcher's boy by writing books on botany.
I know the chemistry of zinc, tin, potash and ammonium;
I practise on the fiddle, flute, piano and harmonium;
I understand minutely the formation of an icicle,
And in the season round the Park I like to ride my bicycle.
I've studied Herbert Spencer and I've views on sociology,
And as a mere parergon I have taken up conchology
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of an up-to-date cook-general.
In fact, when I have learnt to tell a turnip from an artichoke,
Or grill a steak that will not make my mistress's dinner-party choke;
When I can cook a mutton chop or any plain comestible
In such a way that it becomes not wholly indigestible;
When I can wash a cup without inevitably breaking it,
Or make a bed where folk can sleep at ease without remaking it;
In short, when I've an inkling of economy domestical,
You'll say, "Of all cook-generals this girl the very best I call."
For my culinary ignorance and all-round imbecility
Is only to be equalled by my housewifely futility
But still, in learning vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very pattern of an up-to-date cook-general.
The Aristocrats of Labour
Punch panem et circenses Punch A BLACK LOOK-OUT
(A paper picked up near the office of the Chancellor of the Exchequer.)
Pity the sorrows of a poor collier, who, if a shilling export duty is imposed upon coal, will have (possibly) to see 1. His wife giving up her music and riding lessons.
2. His children not able to go to the seaside for a month or two.
3. His favourite licensed victualler unable to supply him with that extra quart he enjoys so much after he has drunk the others.
4. His dogs unable to compete for prizes because their upkeep will be too expensive.
5. His tailor sending in his account and respectfully requesting immediate payment.
6. His wine merchant writing to ask him why he has given up ordering champagne.
7. Worst (and, fortunately, most improbable) of all, himself having to work four days a week instead of three.
Punch Punch Much of the commercial knowledge of Germany has been supplied by young Germans who have been employed as clerks in Great Britain, mostly as foreign correspondents. British clerks cannot be used as foreign correspondents, because not one in a thousand can correspond correctly in any foreign language.
Punch Punch Punch's "The Revolt against Authority." Fortnightly Review , November, 1921.
the Solicitor-General of the United States: "The great evil of the world to-day is the aversion to work."
"Wot d'y' fink o' this 'ere G.B.S.?"
"Never tried it! I smokes V.B.D."
Sport and Crime
Punch Punch Scotsman Punch Clarion Liberals and Labour
Punch You leave a record which shall bear the light
When History delves for Truth in after days,
Not as the sudden mob condemns at sight,
Or stints its grudging praise.
Meanwhile the heart of gratitude is cold;
A young new Demos, born of yester-eve,
Big-mouthed and blustering, overbears the old,
Waiting for no man's leave.
Every inhuman name that he can spell
He prints in red for all to know you by,
Citing his gods to prove he would not tell,
Nor yet believe, a lie.
He paints your lurid portraits on the polls:
"Drivers of slaves that oust the white man's brood."
"Bigots that bind in chains our children's souls!"
"Filchers of poor folk's food!"
Had you been Czars to drain the people's blood,
Or sought to earn a country's dying curse,
Dragging her remnant honour through the mud,
He could have done no worse.
His hooligans are out with stones and dirt;
And in the darkness you must hide your head,
Nor look for Chivalry to salve the hurt,
For Demos reigns instead.
Not much it helps to know that those, ere long,
Who lent him aid and did a mutual deal,
Will find their henchman, grown a shade too strong,
Stamping them under heel.
Little it serves that they, your old-time foes,
Who found him useful for their present ends,
Must seek you soon and plaintively propose
"Please save us from our friends!"
But let this solace keep your hearts resigned
That, till a second lustre's course is through,
The noblest heritage you leave behind
Demos can scarce undo.
The prophecy that the Liberals would invoke the assistance of the Unionists to "save them from their friends" was not fulfilled; the course of legislation up to the war indicated in the main a desire to consult the demands of Labour rather than to break away from the alliance. The summary of reasons "Why I lost" from defeated candidates furnishes a useful commentary on the verses quoted above. They include Chinese Labour, the Big Loaf cry, the Education Bill of 1902, the Trade Disputes Bill, Overbridge Trams, the Japanese Alliance and the Entente Cordiale . The messages were not actually received by Punch , but they are not an unfair interpretation of the issues which weighed with the bulk of the electorate. A "spirited foreign policy" was out of favour, and a cold fit had succeeded to the fervour of the "Khaki" election.