Westmacott Charles Molloy - The Punster's Pocket-book стр 22.

Mrs. . My dear Tom , you deserve a Cane for that.

Mr. . Ay, if you were Able to give it to me, who am a host to-day. Perhaps you were on the Eve of saying this; well, there's as much chance in these things as in a Pair o' dice .

(A general laugh.)

N.B. Hire no man unless his name is Adam , or he will suffer you to call him so.

Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, Lucy , because, if you are a profound scholar, you can frequently bring in "luce clarior." Your other girl, Sally , ran away with an apothecary. Mrs. will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal volatile !"

Invite a poor French priest to your table at these times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, "Est ce qu'ils sont tous par la même mère ?"

When you are to reply "Yes, I believe they are all by the same mare , but I won't answer for the horse."

This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling consideration.

If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. may say, "My dear Tom , I wish the man would bring up the dinner."

Mr. . "Bring up the dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says, that's 'sic sic ,' so so."

You must not be too nice, as I observed before.

(Mrs. rings the bell.)

Mrs. . Is dinner ready?

Mr. (Looking round. ) The chops are, I'm sure.

Adam . It is dishing now, ma'am.

(A crash heard as if an accident.)

Mr. Dishing indeed I fear it's dished .

Mrs. . Will any body take soup?

Mr. . What, before grace, you grace less rogues. There's no parson here, I see; though we are not without some of the cloth . Well, I'll say it grace at dinner is meet .

sweetmeats will be praised of course.

Mr. . All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm more not able than she is, an't I, my dear?

Mrs. . (Blushing. ) I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.

Mr. . (Chucking a young lady under the chin. ) Yes, my love, I'll touch the belle .

Mrs. . (Going. ) You wag!

Mr. . No, I think you wag , but (bowing ) I bow to you.

Mr. . (Entering after all the rest. ) Ah! Mrs. , what I see you are at home to a t to-night.

Boys. Pa, we have had no tea.

Mr. . "Sine te juventas." That's wrong. It is right that you should not be left out.

Mrs. purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.

Mr. . (Handing the sugar basin. ) Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you may lump it.

Mrs. . (As planned. ) That comes of playing at sight.

Mr. . At sight! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?

Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was any harm . Break his shin that's leg -al. Pull away his chair when he is sitting down you've good ground for it. Run your head against his two heads are better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on him then he's in the milky way .

So with the urn then he's in hot water . When he hops about, say he seems in a lame -ntable way. Let the boys knock the candle into some lady's lap this you may call a wick -ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commanding majority in every assembly in the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your ingenuity.