that death is hazard and passage , upon the turn of a die . Let lawyers consider it as a hard case . And let punners consider how hard it is to die jesting , when death is so hard in digesting .
As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of Mungomerry , I am sure he be-wales my misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the carpenter (while my friends grieve and make an odd splutter ) nails up my coffin. I will make a short affidavi -t, that, if he makes my epitaph , I will take it for a great honour; and it is a plentiful subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead with Tom . Tom has taken all puns away with him. Omne tulit pun-Tom. May his excellency long live tenant to the queen in Ireland . We never Herberd so good a governor before. Sure he mun-go-merry home, that has made a kingdom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have let many a pun go , which did never pungo ; therefore the world must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it: Punica mala leges . I have had several forebodings that I should soon die: I have of late been often at committees, where I have sat de die in diem . I conversed much with the usher of the black rod : I saw his medals ; and woe is me dull soul, not to consider they are but dead men's faces stampt over and over by the living, which will shortly be my condition.
Tell Sir Anthony Fountain , I ran clear to the bottom , and wish he may be a late a river where I am going. He used to brook compliments. May his sand be long a running ; not quick sand like mine! Bid him avoid poring upon monuments and books; which is in reality but running among rocks and shelves , to stop his course . May his waters never be troubled with mud or gravel , nor stopt by any grinding stone ! May his friends be all true trouts , and his enemies laid as flat as flounders ! I look upon him as the most fluent of his race ; therefore let him not despond . I foresee his black rod will advance to a pike , and destroy all our ills .
But I am going; my wind in lungs is turning to a winding sheet. The thoughts of a pall begin to a pall me. Life is but a vapour , car elle va pour la moindre cause. Farewell: I have lived ad amicorum fastidium , and now behold how fast I dium !
Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false spellings here and there; but they must be pardoned in a dying man.
A LETTER GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR
You must give me leave to complain of a pestilent fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beating mortar ; yet I cannot find he ever builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not gold that glisters . A pot he carries to most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice his gally slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring his shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by their leaves , in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full of scruples ; and so very litigious, that he files bills against all his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled with the simples , yet I assure you he is a Jesuitical dog ; as you may know by his bark . Of all poetry he loves the dram-a-tick . I am, &c.
A PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY
Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they put
shillings into her broth instead of groats , which made her stamp. I hear they had them from one Tom Ducket , a tenant to Major Noble , who I am told is reduced to nine-pence . We are doubting whether we shall dine at the Crown or the Angel . Honest Mark Cob , who has been much moydored of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire Manypenny and Captain Sterling desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned Silver to dine in Change -alley. They live in great har-mony ; they met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a pound . I suppose you have heard of the rhino -ceros lately arrived here. A captain was cash -iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a far-thing from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a pi-stole from her; I would a' ginny'e a good deal for such another. Mrs. Dingley has made a souse for your collard-eel. Alderman Coyn presents his service to you. I have nothing but half-pens to write with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into a chink . I am, without alloy,