Well, said Mrs. Sowerberry, sharply.
Nothing, my dear, nothing, said Mr. Sowerberry.
Ugh, you brute! said Mrs. Sowerberry.
Not at all, my dear, said Mr. Sowerberry humbly. I thought you didnt want to hear, my dear. I was only going to say
Oh, dont tell me what you were going to say, interposed Mrs. Sowerberry. I am nobody; dont consult me, pray. I dont want to intrude upon your secrets. As Mrs. Sowerberry said this, she gave an hysterical laugh, which threatened violent consequences.
But, my dear, said Sowerberry, I want to ask your advice.
No, no, dont ask mine, replied Mrs. Sowerberry, in an affecting manner: ask somebody elses. Here, there was another hysterical laugh, which frightened Mr. Sowerberry very much. This is a very common and much-approved matrimonial course of treatment, which is often very effective. It at once reduced Mr. Sowerberry to begging, as a special favour, to be allowed to say what Mrs. Sowerberry was most curious to hear. After a short duration, the permission was most graciously conceded.
Its only about young Twist, my dear, said Mr. Sowerberry. A very good-looking boy, that, my dear.
He need be, for he eats enough, observed the lady.
Theres an expression of melancholy in his face, my dear, resumed Mr. Sowerberry, which is very interesting. He would make a delightful mute, my love.
Mrs. Sowerberry looked up with an expression of considerable wonderment. Mr. Sowerberry remarked it and, without allowing time for any observation on the good ladys part, proceeded.
I dont mean a regular mute to attend grown-up people, my dear,
but only for childrens practice. It would be very new to have a mute in proportion, my dear. You may depend upon it, it would have a superb effect.
Mrs. Sowerberry, who had a good deal of taste in the undertaking way, was much struck by the novelty of this idea; but, as it would have been compromising her dignity to have said so, under existing circumstances, she merely inquired, with much sharpness, why such an obvious suggestion had not presented itself to her husbands mind before? Mr. Sowerberry rightly construed this, as an acquiescence in his proposition; it was speedily determined, therefore, that Oliver should be at once initiated into the mysteries of the trade; and, with this view, that he should accompany his master on the very next occasion of his services being required.
The occasion was not long in coming. Half an hour after breakfast next morning, Mr. Bumble entered the shop; and supporting his cane against the counter, drew forth his large leathern pocket-book: from which he selected a small scrap of paper, which he handed over to Sowerberry.
Aha! said the undertaker, glancing over it with a lively countenance; an order for a coffin, eh?
For a coffin first, and a porochial funeral afterwards, replied Mr. Bumble, fastening the strap of the leathern pocket-book: which, like himself, was very corpulent.
Bayton, said the undertaker, looking from the scrap of paper to Mr. Bumble. I never heard the name before.
Bumble shook his head, as he replied, Obstinate people, Mr. Sowerberry; very obstinate. Proud, too, Im afraid, sir.
Proud, eh? exclaimed Mr. Sowerberry with a sneer. Come, thats too much.
Oh, its sickening, replied the beadle. Antimonial, Mr. Sowerberry!
So it is, acquiesced the undertaker.
We only heard of the family the night before last, said the beadle; and we shouldnt have known anything about them, then, only a woman who lodges in the same house made an application to the porochial committee for them to send the porochial surgeon to see a woman as was very bad. He had gone out to dinner; but his prentice (which is a very clever lad) sent em some medicine in a blacking-bottle, offhand.
Ah, theres promptness, said the undertaker.
Promptness, indeed! replied the beadle. But whats the consequence; whats the ungrateful behaviour of these rebels, sir? Why, the husband sends back word that the medicine wont suit his wifes complaint, and so she shant take it says she shant take it, sir! Good, strong, wholesome medicine, as was given with great success to two Irish labourers and a coal-heaver, only a week before sent em for nothing, with a blackin-bottle in, and he sends back word that she shant take it, sir!
As the atrocity presented itself to Mr. Bumbles mind in full force, he struck the counter sharply with his cane, and became flushed with indignation.
Well, said the undertaker, I ne ver did
Never did, sir! ejaculated the beadle. No, nor nobody never did; but now shes dead, weve got to bury her; and thats the direction; and the sooner its done, the better.
Thus saying, Mr. Bumble put on his cocked hat wrong side first, in a fever of parochial excitement; and flounced out of the shop.
Why, he was so angry, Oliver, that he forgot even to ask after you! said Mr. Sowerberry, looking after the beadle as he strode down the street.
Yes, sir, replied Oliver, who had carefully kept himself out of sight, during the interview; and who was shaking from head to foot at the mere recollection of the sound of Mr. Bumbles voice.