Block Lawrence - The Burglar Who Traded Ted Williams

THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS LAWRENCE BLOCK Bernie Rhodenbarr 10

come up to me over the past ten years

to ask me if I was ever going to write

another book about Bernie. If half of

you buy it, Ill be rich.

Its also for Sue Grafton, a very

classy lady indeed. And for Steve King,

who wanted a book about cats.

And its for Lynne. You want to know

a secret? Theyre all for Lynne.

CHAPTER One

I didnt hear the italics. Theyre present not to indicate vocal stress but to show that they were titles, or at least truncated titles. A Is for Alibi and B Is for Burglar, those were the books in question, and he had just laid a copy of the latter volume on the counter in front of me, which might have given me a clue. But it didnt, and I didnt hear the italics. What I heard was a stocky fellow with a gruff voice calling me a burglar, albeit a not-bad-looking one, and asking if I had an alibi, and I have to tell you it gave me a turn.

Because I am a burglar, although thats something Ive tried to keep from getting around. Im also a bookseller, in which capacity I was sitting on a stool behind the counter at Barnegat Books. In fact, Id just about managed to forsake burglary entirely in favor of bookselling, having gone over a year without letting myself into a strangers abode. Lately, though, Id been feeling on the verge of what those earnest folk in twelve-step programs would very likely call a slip.

Less forgiving souls would call it a premeditated felony.

Whatever you called it, I was a little sensitive on the subject. I went all cold inside, and then my eyes dropped to the book, and light dawned. Oh, I said. Sue Grafton.

Right. Have you got A Is for Alibi?

I dont believe so. I had a copy of the book-club edition, but

Im not interested in book-club editions.

No. Well, even if you were, I couldnt sell it to you. I dont have it anymore. Someone bought it.

Why would anyone buy the book-club edition?

Well, the prints a little larger than the paperback.

So?

Makes it easier to read.

The expression on his face told me what he thought of people who bought books for no better reason than to read them. He was in his late thirties, clean-shaven, with a suit and a tie and a full head of glossy brown hair. His mouth was fulllipped and pouty, and hed have to lose a few pounds if he wanted a jawline.

How much? he demanded.

I checked the penciled price on the flyleaf. Eighty dollars. With tax it comes toa glance at the tax tableeighty-six sixty.

Ill give you a check.

All right.

Or I could give you eighty dollars in cash, he said, and we can just forget about the tax.

Sometimes this works. Truth to tell, there arent many books on my shelves I cant be persuaded to discount by ten percent or so, even without the incentive of blindsiding the governor. But I told him a check would be fine, and to make it payable to Barnegat Books. When he was done scribbling I looked at the check and read the signature. Borden Stoppelgard, he had written, and that very name was imprinted at the top of his check, along with an address on East Thirty-seventh Street.

I looked at the signature and I looked at him. Ill have to see some identification, I said.

Dont ask me why. I didnt really think there could be anything wrong with him or his check. The lads who write hot checks dont offer you cash in an attempt to avoid paying sales tax. I guess I just didnt like him, and I was trying to be a generic pain in the neck.

He gave me a look that suggested as much, then hauled out his wallet and came up with a credit card and drivers

license. I verified his signature, jotted down his Amex number on the back of the check, then looked at the picture on the license. It was him, all right, if a touch less jowly. I read the name, Stoppelgard, Borden, and finally the penny dropped.

Borden Stoppelgard, I said.

Thats right.

Of Hearthstone Realty.

His expression turned guarded. It hadnt been all that open in the first place, but now it was a fortress, and he was busy digging a moat around it.

Youre my landlord, I said. You just bought this building.

I own a lot of buildings, he said. I buy them, I sell them.

You bought this one, and now youre looking to raise my rent.

You can hardly deny that its ridiculously low.

Its eight seventy-five a month, I said. The lease is up the first of the year, and youre offering me a new lease at ten thousand five hundred dollars a month.

I imagine that strikes you as high.

High? I said. What makes you say that?

Because I can assure you

Try stratospheric, I suggested.

that its very much in line with the market.

All I know, I said, is that its completely out of the question. You want me to pay more each month than Ive been paying for an entire year. Thats an increase of what, twelve hundred percent? Ten-five a month is more than I gross, for Gods sake.

He shrugged. I guess youll have to move.

I dont want to move, I said. I love this store. I bought it from Mr. Litzauer when he decided to retire to Florida, and I want to go on owning it until I retire, and