Leaped high up in the air and cried,
Im absolutely stupefied!
You crazy boy! Dyou really mean
You sold our Daisy for a bean?
She snatched the bean. She yelled, You chump.
And flung it on the rubbish-dump.
Then summoning up all her power,
She beat the boy for half an hour,
Using (and nothing could be meaner)
The handle of a vacuum-cleaner.
At ten p.m. or thereabout,
The little bean began to sprout.
By morning it had grown so tall
You couldnt see the top at all.
Young Jack cried, Mum, admit it now!
Its better than a rotten cow!
The mother said, You lunatic!
Where are the beans that I can pick?
Theres not one bean! Its bare as bare!
No no! cried Jack. You look up there!
Look very high and youll behold
Each single leaf is solid gold!
By gollikins, the boy was right!
Now, glistening in the morning light,
The mother actually perceives
A mass of lovely golden leaves!
She yells out loud, My sainted souls!
Ill sell the Mini, buy a Rolls!
Dont stand and gape, you little clot!
Get up there quick and grab the lot!
Jack was nimble, Jack was keen.
He scrambled up the mighty bean.
Up up he went without a stop,
But just as he was near the top,
A ghastly frightening thing occurred -
Not far above his head he heard
A big deep voice, a rumbling thing
That made the very heavens ring.
It shouted loud, FEE Fl FO FUM
I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!
Jack was frightened, Jack was quick,
And down he climbed in half a tick.
Oh mum! he gasped. Believe you me
Theres something nasty up our tree!
I saw him, mum! My gizzard froze!
A Giant with a clever nose!
A clever nose! his mother hissed.
You must be going round the twist!
He smelled me out, I swear it, mum!
He said he smelled an Englishman!
The mother said, And well he might!
Ive told you every single night
To take a bath because you smell,
But would you do it? Would you hell!
You even make your mother shrink
Because of your unholy stink!
Jack answered, Well, if youre so clean
Why dont you climb the crazy bean.
The mother cried, By gad, I will!
Theres life within the old dog still!
She hitched her skirts above her knee
And disappeared right up the tree.
Now would the Giant smell his mum?
Jack listened for the fee-fo-fum.
He gazed aloft. He wondered when
The dreaded words would come... And then ...
From somewhere high above the ground
There came a frightful crunching sound.
He heard the Giant mutter twice,
By gosh, that tasted very nice.
Although (and this in grumpy tones)
I wish there werent so many bones.
By Christopher! Jack cried. By gum!
The Giants eaten up my mum!
He smelled her out! Shes in his belly!
I had a hunch that
she was smelly.
Jack stood there gazing longingly
Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly, Golly-gosh,
I guess Ill have to take a wash
If I am going to climb this tree
Without the Giant smelling me.
In fact, a baths my only hope ...
He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap
He scrubbed his body everywhere.
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose
And went out smelling like a rose.
Once more he climbed the mighty bean.
The Giant sat there, gross, obscene,
Muttering through his vicious teeth
(While Jack sat tensely just beneath),
Muttering loud, FEE FI FO FUM,
RIGHT NOW I CANT SMELL ANYONE.
Jack waited till the Giant slept,
Then out along the boughs he crept
And gathered so much gold, I swear
He was an instant millionaire.
A bath, he said, does seem to pay.
Im going to have one every day.
SNOW-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
when little Snow-Whites mother died,
The king, her father, up and cried,
Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!
Now I must find another wife!
(Its never easy for a king
To find himself that sort of thing.)
He wrote to every magazine
And said, Im looking for a Queen.
At least ten thousand girls replied
And begged to be the royal bride.
The king said with a shifty smile,
Id like to give each one a trial.
However, in the end he chose
A lady called Miss Maclahose,
Who brought along a curious toy
That seemed to give her endless joy -
This was a mirror framed in brass,
A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING-GLASS.
Ask it something day or night,
It always got the answer right.
For instance, if you were to say,
Oh Mirror, whats for lunch today?
The thing would answer in a trice,
Today its scrambled eggs and rice.
Now every day, week in week out,
The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout,
Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
The Mirror answered every time,
Oh Madam, youre the Queen sublime.
You are the only one to charm us,
Queen, you are the cats pyjamas.
For ten whole years the silly Queen
Repeated this absurd routine.
Then suddenly, one awful day,
She heard the Magic Mirror say,
From now on, Queen, youre Number Two.
Snow-White is prettier than you!
The Queen went absolutely wild.
She yelled, Im going to scrag that child!
Ill cook her flaming goose! Ill skin er!
Ill have her rotten guts for dinner!