You said you havent told the cops.
Right. It was merely a conclusion I had formed.
Have you told anyone else? My aunt?
No. Certainly not her. I was doing you a favour, wasnt I?
Yes, and I appreciate it. You know that, Archie, I appreciate it.
Good. We all like to be appreciated. I would appreciate knowing what it is you want to talk over.
Well. He clasped his hands behind his head, showing how casual it was, just a pair of pals chatting free and easy. To tell the truth, Im in a mess too. Or I will be if youd like to see me squirm. Would you like to see me squirm?
I might if youre a good squirmer. How do I go about it?
All you have to do is spill it about my faking a cold. No matter who you spill it to it will get to my aunt, and there I am. He unclasped his hands and leaned forward. Heres how it was. Ive gone to those damn annual dinners on my uncles birthday the last three years and I was fed up, and when my aunt asked me again I tried to beg off, but she insisted, and there are reasons why I couldnt refuse. But Monday night I played poker all night, and yesterday morning I was fuzzy and couldnt face it. The question was who to tap. For that affair it cant be just anybody. The first two candidates I picked were out of town, and the next three all had dates. Then I thought of you. I knew
you could handle yourself in any situation, and you had met my aunt. So I called you, and you were big-hearted enough to say yes.
He sat back. Thats how it was. Then this morning comes the news of what happened. I said I was sorry I got you into it, and I am, Im damned sorry, but frankly, Im damned glad I wasnt there. It certainly wasnt a pleasant experience, and Im just selfish enough to be glad I missed it. Youll understand that. Sure. Congratulations. I didnt enjoy it much myself. Ill bet you didnt. So thats what I wanted, to explain how it was so youd see it wouldnt help matters any for anyone to know about my faking a cold. It certainly wouldnt help me, because it would get to my aunt sooner or later, and you know how shed be about a thing like that. Shed be sore as hell.
I nodded. I dont doubt it. Then its an ideal situation. You want something from me, and I want something from you. Perfect. Well swap. I dont broadcast about the phoney cold, and you get me an audience at Grantham House. Whats that womans name? Irving ?
Irwin. Blanche Irwin. He scratched the side of his neck with a forefinger. You want to swap, huh?
I do. What could be fairer?
Its fair enough, he conceded. But I told you on the phone Im not in a position to do that.
Yeah, but then I was asking a favour. Now Im making a deal.
His neck itched again. I might stretch a point. I might, if I knew what you want with her. Whats the idea?
Greed. Desire for dough. Ive been offered five hundred dollars for an eye-witness story on last night, and I want to decorate it with some background. Dont tell Mrs Irwin that, though. Shes probably down on journalists by now. Just tell her Im your friend and a good loyal citizen and have only been in jail five times.
He laughed. Thatll do it all right. Wait till you see her. He sobered. So thats it. Its a funny world, Archie. A girl gets herself in a fix she sees only one way out of, to kill herself, and youre there to see her do it just because I had had all I wanted of those affairs, and here youre going to collect five hundred dollars just because you were there. Its a funny world. So I didnt do you such a bad turn after all.
I had to admit that was one way of looking at it. He said he felt like saluting the funny world with a drink, and wouldnt I join him, and I said Id be glad to. When he had gone and brought the requirements, a scotch and water for me and bourbon on the rocks for him, and we had performed the salute, he got at the phone and made a person-to-person call to Mrs Irwin at Grantham House. Apparently there was nothing at all wrong with his position; he merely told her he would appreciate it if she would see a friend of his, and that was all there was to it. She said morning would be better than afternoon. After he hung up we discussed the funny world while finishing the drinks, and when I left one more step had been taken towards the brotherhood of man.
Back home, the conference was over, the trio had gone, and Wolfe was at his desk with his current book, one he had said I must read, World Peace through World Law , by Grenville Clark and Louis B. Sohn. He finished a paragraph, lowered it, and told me to enter expense advances to Saul and Fred and Orrie, two hundred dollars each. I went to the safe for the book and made the entries, returned the book, locked the safe, and asked him if I needed to know anything about their assignments. He said that could wait, meaning that he wanted to get on with his reading, and asked about mine. I told him it was all set, that he wouldnt see me in the morning because I would be leaving for Grantham House before nine.
I now call Austin Byne Dinky, I told him. I suppose because hes an inch over six feet, but I didnt ask. I should report that he balked and I had to apply a little pressure. When he phoned yesterday he tried to sound as if his tubes were dogged, but he boggled it. He had no cold. He now says that he had been to three of those affairs and had had enough, and he rang me only after he had tried five others and they werent available. So we made a deal. He gets me in at Grantham House, and I wont tell his aunt on him. He seems to feel that his aunt might bite.