No he works for a big company.
Called?
Excuse me?
The name of the company, I said.
Oh, Something and Something, she said. I dont know. She frowned for a moment. I have his phone number though.
That would be fine, I said.
She stood gracefully and walked regally out of the room.
I need a drink, Rita said.
Right after we leave, I said.
Mary came back into the room with a pale green sheet of notepaper, on which she had written a phone number in purple ink. Her handwriting was very large and full of loops. I folded the paper and tucked it into my shirt pocket.
Are you familiar with Marvin Conroy? I said.
Marvin?
Conroy, I said.
The little frown came back. She thought about the name.
No, she said. Im really not.
We talked for a while longer. Mary remained eager and impenetrable. Finally neither Rita nor I had anywhere else to go. We thanked Mary and assured her that we were making good progress, which was a lie. We were making so little progress that I would have been pleased with bad progress. Mary walked us to the door and said she really hoped shed been a help. We said she had, and left and went to the Ritz bar and had two martinis each. From our seat in the window I could see a black Lincoln Town Car, double-parked with its motor running, on Arlington Street.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Susan and I and Hawk and a woman named Estelle Raphael were having dinner at a place called Zephyour in the Hyatt Hotel on the Cambridge side of the Charles River. There was a lot of glass on the river side of the room and you could look at the river and across it and see the glare of a night game at Fenway Park.
They made many kinds of martinis here and would serve you a small sampling of three if you wished. Susan and Estelle both wished. Hawk and I stuck with the old favorite.
I love how they look in the glass, Estelle said.
Hawk smiled and didnt say anything. Hawk could be comfortable not saying anything for longer than anyone Ive ever known. Oddly his silence didnt make you uncomfortable. It was somehow natural to him. Susan was silent, too. That didnt make me uncomfortable either, but it wasnt natural to her. She had
already drunk the first little martini, which was sort of a pale green, and had begun on the pink one. This, too, wasnt natural to her. Normally she would nurse those three little martinis for the night. It looked like the conversation was up to me and Estelle.
Youre a doctor? I said.
Yes. I run a fertility clinic in Brookline.
Been running one of those most of my life, Hawk said.
I know, Estelle said. And its fine work that you do.
The waitress came and took our order. Susan seemed not very interested in the menu. She said shed have what I had. The black river glistened in the light sprawl from the city. I could see the Citgo sign, which had become famous solely by being visible behind the left-field wall at Fenway. To the right the gray towers of Boston University stuck up too high.
You okay, I said to her softly.
She shook her head.
Want to talk about it?
She shook her head again.
Want to go home?
Shake.
I patted her thigh. She picked up the pink martini and finished it. There were tears in her eyes.
I said, Hey. And put my arm around her shoulders. Probably the wrong move. Shed been holding it together before that. Now she began to cry. There was no noise. Just tears on her face and her shoulders shaking. I tried to pull her a little closer so she could cry against my chest. She didnt want to. We sat for a moment with my arm around her, patting her far shoulder.
You like to be alone? Hawk said.
Susan shook her head.
We were quiet. Susan took her napkin from her lap and wiped her eyes.
Is my makeup fucked? she said.
Estelle looked at Hawk. Hawk smiled.
She coming out of it, he said.
You look fine, I said.
Im sorry to be such a jackass, Susan said.
Is there anything I can do? Estelle said.
No. Thank you.
You want to talk? I said. You want to leave it be?
I dont want to talk, Susan said, but I fear that I must. You cant suddenly burst into tears in the middle of dinner and offer no explanation.
You can if you want to, I said.
Susan shook her head. I lost a patient today, she said.
No one said anything. Estelle looked like she might, but Hawk put his hand on her thigh and she didnt.
A boy, nineteen years old. He killed himself.
Did you know he was suicidal? I said.
Yes.
Are you feeling that you should have done more and better?
Of course.
Do you know why he killed himself?
He was gay, and he didnt want to be, she said. Thats why he was seeing me. He desperately wanted to be straight.
Isnt that a little outside the scope of your service? I said.
As she talked she began to focus on the subject, as she always did, and in doing so she came back into control.
It is hideously incorrect to say that one can help people change their sexual orientation. But in fact I have had some success, in doing just that.
Helping gay people to be straight? Estelle was startled.
Or straight people to be gay. Ive had some success doing both. The trick is over time to find out where they want to go, and where they can go, and try to achieve one without violating the other.