Even if Chris isnt there to warn me, I know its going to be Aunt Maria because the first person I hear is the Operator, sounding annoyed and harassed. Aunt Maria always grandly forgets that you can look up numbers and then dial them. She makes Lavinia go through the Operator every time. Lavinia never speaks. You just hear Aunt Marias voice distantly shouting, Have you got through, Lavinia? and then a clatter as Aunt Maria seizes the phone. Is that you, Naomi dear? she says urgently. Wheres Chris?
I never learn. I always hold the phone too near my ear. She knows London is a long way away from Cranbury, so she shouts. And you have to shout back or she yells that you are muttering. This is Mig, Auntie, I shout back. I prefer to be called Mig. I say that every time, but Aunt Maria never will call me anything but Naomi, because I was called Naomi
Margaret after her daughter that died. Then I transfer the receiver to my other ear and rub the first one. I know that shes shouting to know where Chris is again. Chris is working! I shriek. Maths!
She respects that. Chris has somehow managed to fix it in her mind that he is a mathematical genius and His Work Is Sacred. I wish I knew how he did. I would like to fix it in her mind that I am going to be a Great Writer and my time is precious, but she seems to think only boys have the right to have ambitions.
Aunt Marias voice takes on a boomingly reproachful note. Im very worried about Chris, she says, as if that is my fault. I dont think he gets enough fresh air.
That starts the tricky bit. I have to convince her that Chris gets plenty of fresh air without telling her how he gets it. If I say he goes to see his friends, then either she says Chris is neglecting his work or she rings his friends to check. I nearly died the time she rang Andy. I want Andy to think well of me. But if I leave it too vague, Aunt Maria becomes convinced that Chris is in Bad Company. She will ring Chriss form master then. I nearly died when she did that too. Mr Norris asked me about Aunt Maria every time he passed me in the corridor. She obviously scarred his soul.
But Ive learnt how to do it now. Chris will be surprised to know that he plays tennis every day with a friend who isnt on the phone. Then I have to do the same for Mum. Mum plays tennis, too, with the phoneless friends mum who is a widow, in case Aunt Maria gets worried about that. Then we get on to me. For some reason, I am not supposed to do anything, even get fresh air. Aunt Maria says, And what a good little girl you are, Naomi, working away, keeping house for your mother!
I agree with this, for the sake of peace, though it always makes me want to say, Well, really, Im just off to burn the church down on my way to the nudist colony.
After that she goes on to her latest theories about what really happened to Dad, and then to how upset she is. All I can do there is shout a soothing Ye-es! every so often. That part makes me feel awful. But I have to keep listening, because that part always leads to us being the only family shes got now, and then, So when are you all coming to Cranbury to visit me?
This is where I get truly artful. Aunt Maria gets enticing. She says, Chris can have the sofa, and if Lavinia moves down to the little room, you and Betty can share Lavinias room.
How kind! I say. But Im afraid Chris has this exam. You wouldnt believe how often Chris has exams. Chris doesnt mind. He gives me suggestions. One thing Chris and I were really determined on was that we were not ever going to visit Aunt Maria in Cranbury-on-Sea. We both have dreadful memories of going there as small children.
Now of course we had other reasons. Would you want to go and stay in the place your father didnt quite get to before he died? No. So I put Aunt Maria off. I did it beautifully. I kept it all politely vague for months, and we were looking forward to the Easter holidays, when Mum answered the phone one evening I was out and undid all my good work in seconds. I got back to find she had agreed for us to spend Easter with Aunt Maria.
Chris and I were furious. I said I thought it was very unfeeling of Aunt Maria to make us go. Chris said, Theres no reason to have anything to do with her, Mum. She was only Dads aunt by marriage. Shes got no claim.
But Mums guilt was working overtime. She said, It would be horrible not to go if she wants us. Shes a poor lonely old lady. Dad meant a lot to her. It will make her terribly happy to have us there. Were going. It would be really selfish not to.
So here we all are at Aunt Marias house in Cranbury-on-Sea. We only got here this evening and Im so depressed already that I decided to write it all down. Mum said that if I am going to write rude things about Aunt Maria, Ill have to make sure she cant read it. So I sighed heavily and decided to use my hardback notebook with the lock on it. I was going to use most of it for my league table of King Arthurs knights and pop groups, because I didnt want Chris to find those and jeer, but Id rather have Chris on to me than Aunt Maria any day. This will be under lock and key when Ive written it down.