Thats pretty good shit, said Ivan.
What do you think about that suicide? I said.
I think the parents made him do it, said Teddy.
He was Asian, said Ivan. He was on the other side of Teddy and I couldnt see him.
What does that mean? I said.
That they worked his ass like crazy and pressured the shit out of him.
Do you think it hurt? I said.
For a second, said Teddy. But if its all going to be over anyway, then why does it matter? Pain only matters if its prolonged. Ivan was sucking long on the joint, then he said, If I was going to kill myself, I wouldnt waste it. I would do a bunch of crazy shit first. Maybe kill some people I didnt like and take em with me.
We all thought about that. Then I said, Wouldnt it be better to do a bunch of crazy good things before you died instead of killing people?
Like what? said Teddy.
I dont know. Give your life to save a bunch of kids or something.
But thats what youre supposed to do every day, not if youre suicidal, he said. If youre suicidal youre probably only thinking of yourself.
I drank the syrupy alcohol.
I try to be good, I said.
Me too, said Teddy.
Fuck good people, said Ivan, and we laughed.
We finished the joint and I gave them both cigarettes. The stars were dots between the branches. On the other side of Teddy, Ivan started carving in the tree with a knife. He carved SUICIDE RULZ. Teddy was next and wrote FUCK GUNN. They told me I had to write something.
I feel bad, the tree is so old.
Fuck you, said Ivan. Do it.
I drew a heart. It was hard to make it round because of the bark, so it was jagged on one side.
* * *
Eighth grade continued. For a month Mr. B acted like nothing happened. Our team was doing well and he just acted like a coach so I just acted like a player. But it was hard, because it was like I was just one of the other girls. He told his jokes to everyone but I didnt laugh as much.
Then on Halloween Mr. B asked me to trick-or-treat with him and Michael. I was surprised but I said okay. I dressed as a cat in black tights and Tiff drew whiskers on my face with black lipstick. Mr. B was dressed in a 49ers jersey and football pants and a helmet. He said he was supposed to be Steve Young. On the back of the jersey it said YOUNG and there was a big 8. Michael was dressed as Link, the elf from his video game. He wore green and had a little sword and a plastic jack-o-lantern for candy.
We walked around and Michael would go up to each door and get candy and we would wait for him on the sidewalk. We talked a little about the soccer team. The championships were coming up and we were tied for first place with Mountain View.
He told me a joke: A horse falls into a mud puddle and cant get out. So a chicken ties the horse to the bumper of his Mercedes and pulls him out. Later, the chicken falls into the mud, but the horse just stands close and says, Grab on to my thingy and pull yourself out. The moral is, if youre hung like a horse you dont need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. I said it was funny, but I didnt laugh.
Later we went back to his place. He let Michael pick three candies to take to bed with him and made him leave the plastic jack-o-lantern on the coffee table in the living room. While they were back in the bedroom I waited on the couch. I ate one of Michaels Baby Ruths and then I took a roll of Smarties. They were really sour so I just had two and put the rest in my sock with the Baby Ruth wrapper.
Mr. B came back out; he didnt have the helmet on. He sat on the couch and asked if I wanted any of Michaels candy. I said no.
Youre a very pretty cat.
Why dont
we talk at school anymore?
You know why.
I know, but you could at least be nice to me. Its like you dont even like me anymore.
Are you crazy? Im in love with you, April.
I told him I had to go, that there was a party that the girls were having and I was late. I stood up, but he stood up too and grabbed my shoulders.
Listen to me, I love you. Okay? I love you. I have just been weird because I didnt want anything bad to happen. But I dont care now. I want to be with you. Well work it out. You can just come babysit all the time or something. He laughed a little and tried to get me to laugh by looking into my eyes and squeezing my shoulders. I pushed against him.
I have to go.
April, why? So you can hang around a bunch of little boys? Come on, youre better than that. Stay here, with me. Well just watch a movie, Im sure there is something scary and stupid on. I wanted to stay but I was feeling emotional. I pushed his hands away and left.
The next week our soccer team played in the championships. They were a week long at a junior high school called Egan in Los Altos. Mr. B seemed like he wanted to be nice but I stayed away from him and just played. On the last day we lost to Mountain View. When the team came out of the locker room Mr. B asked if anyone wanted a ride home. Shauna and Sandy said they did. He looked at me.
April? Would you like a ride? The other girls were looking at me so I said yes. In the car everyone was sad about losing so we didnt say much. He dropped Sandy off first because she lived in the nice part of town. He told her she had played very well.