In the sky a huge sign appeared, replacing the catalogue number. It said, Whatever your tastes, Magrathea can cater for you. We are not proud.
And five hundred entirely naked women dropped out of the sky on parachutes.
In a moment the scene vanished and left them in a springtime meadow full of cows.
Ow! said Zaphod. My brains!
You want to talk about it? said Ford.
Yeah, OK, said Zaphod, and all three sat down and ignored the scenes that came and went around them.
I figure this, said Zaphod. Whatever happened to my mind, I did it. And I did it in such a way that it wouldnt be detected by the government screening tests. And I wasnt to know anything about it myself. Pretty crazy, right?
The other two nodded in agreement.
So I reckon, whats so secret that I cant let anybody know I know it, not the Galactic Government, not even myself? And the answer is I dont know. Obviously. But I put a few things together and I can begin to guess. When did I decide to run for President? Shortly after the death of President Yooden Vranx. You remember Yooden, Ford?
Yeah, said Ford, he was that guy we met when we were kids, the Arcturan captain. He was a gas. He gave us conkers when you bust your way into his megafreighter. Said you were the most amazing kid hed ever met.
Whats all this? said Trillian.
Ancient history, said Ford, when we were kids together on Betelgeuse. The Arcturan megafreighters used to carry most of the bulky trade between the Galactic Centre and the outlying regions. The Betelgeuse trading scouts used to find the markets and the Arcturans would supply them. There was a lot of trouble with space pirates before they were wiped out in the Dordellis wars, and the megafreighters had to be equipped with the most fantastic defence shields known to Galactic science. They were real brutes of ships, and huge. In orbit round a planet they would eclipse the sun.
One day, young Zaphod here decides to raid one. On a tri-jet scooter designed for stratosphere work, a mere kid. I mean forget it, it was crazier than a mad monkey. I went along for the ride because Id got some very safe money on him not doing it, and didnt want him coming back with fake evidence. So what happens? We got in his tri-jet which he had souped up into something totally other, crossed three parsecs in a matter of weeks, bust our way into a megafreighter I still dont know how, marched on to the bridge waving toy pistols and demanded conkers. A wilder thing I have not known. Lost me a years pocket money. For what? Conkers.
The captain was this really amazing guy, Yooden Vranx, said Zaphod. He gave us food, boozestuff from really weird parts of the Galaxylots of conkers of course, and we had just the most incredible time. Then he teleported us back. Into the maximum security wing of Betelgeuse state prison. He was a cool guy. Went on to become President of the Galaxy.
Zaphod paused.
The scene around them was currently plunged into gloom. Dark mists swirled round them and
elephantine shapes lurked indistinctly in the shadows. The air was occasionally rent with the sounds of illusory beings murdering other illusory beings. Presumably enough people must have liked this sort of thing to make it a paying proposition.
Ford, said Zaphod quietly.
Yeah?
Just before Yooden died he came to see me.
What? You never told me.
No.
What did he say? What did he come to see you about?
He told me about the Heart of Gold. It was his idea that I should steal it.
His idea?
Yeah, said Zaphod, and the only possible way of stealing it was to be at the launching ceremony.
Ford gaped at him in astonishment for a moment, and then roared with laughter.
Are you telling me, he said, that you set yourself up to become President of the Galaxy just to steal that ship?
Thats it, said Zaphod with the sort of grin that would get most people locked away in a room with soft walls.
But why? said Ford. Whats so important about having it?
Dunno, said Zaphod, I think if Id consciously known what was so important about it and what I would need it for it would have showed up on the brain screening tests and I would never have passed. I think Yooden told me a lot of things that are still locked away.
So you think you went and mucked about inside your own brain as a result of Yooden talking to you?
He was a hell of a talker.
Yeah, but Zaphod old mate, you want to look after yourself you know.
Zaphod shrugged.
I mean, dont you have any inkling of the reasons for all this? asked Ford.
Zaphod thought hard about this and doubts seemed to cross his minds.
No, he said at last, I dont seem to be letting myself into any of my secrets. Still, he added on further reflection, I can understand that. I wouldnt trust myself further than I could spit a rat.
A moment later, the last planet in the catalogue vanished from beneath them and the solid world resolved itself again.
They were sitting in a plush waiting room full of glass-top tables and design awards.
A tall Magrathean man was standing in front of them.
The mice will see you now, he said.