I think its just a dead planet, he said.
The suspense is killing me, said Arthur testily.
Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the Galaxy, and it is in order that this situation should not in any way be exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance.
The planet in question is in fact the legendary Magrathea.
The deadly missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient automatic defence system will result merely in the breakage of three coffee cups and a micecage, the bruising of somebodys upper arm, and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale.
In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved, no revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm sustained the bruise. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense since it is of no significance whatsoever.
Chapter 17
Arthur drank the liquid and found it reviving. He glanced up at the screens again and watched a few more hundred miles of barren greyness slide past. It suddenly occurred to him to ask a question which had been bothering him.
Is it safe? he said.
Magratheas been dead for five million years, said Zaphod, of course its safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and raised families by now. At which point a strange and inexplicable sound thrilled suddenly through the bridgea noise as of a distant fanfare; a hollow, reedy, insubstantial sound. It preceded a voice that was equally hollow, reedy and insubstantial. The voice said
Greetings to you
Someone from the dead planet was talking to them.
Computer! shouted Zaphod.
Hi there!
What the photon is it?
Oh, just some five-million-year-old tape thats being broadcast at us.
A what? A recording?
Shush! said Ford. Its carrying on.
The voice was old, courteous, almost charming, but was underscored with quite unmistakable menace.
This is a recorded announcement, it said, as Im afraid were all out at the moment. The commercial council of Magrathea thanks you for your esteemed visit
(A voice from ancient Magrathea! shouted Zaphod. OK, OK, said Ford.)
but regrets, continued the voice, that the entire planet is temporarily closed for business. Thank you. If you would care to leave your name and the address of a planet where you can be contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone.
A short buzz followed, then silence.
They want to get rid of us, said Trillian nervously. What do we do?
Its just a recording, said Zaphod. We keep going. Got that, computer?
I got it, said the computer and gave the ship an extra kick of speed.
They waited.
After a second or so came the fanfare once again, and then the voice.
We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is resumed announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines and colour supplements, when our clients will once again be able to select from all thats best in contemporary geography. The menace in the voice took on a sharper edge. Meanwhile we thank our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. Now.
Arthur looked round the nervous faces of his companions.
Well, I suppose wed better be going then, hadnt we? he suggested.
Shhh! said Zaphod. Theres absolutely nothing to be worried about.
Then whys everyone so tense?
Theyre just interested! shouted Zaphod. Computer, start a descent into the atmosphere and prepare for landing.
This time the fanfare was quite perfunctory, the voice distinctly cold.
It is most gratifying, it said, that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients, and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives thank you.
The voice snapped off.
Oh, said Trillian.
Er said Arthur.
Well? said Ford.
Look, said Zaphod, will you get it into your heads? Thats just a recorded message. Its millions of years old. It doesnt apply to us, get it?
What, said Trillian quietly, about the missiles?
Missiles? Dont make me laugh.
Ford tapped Zaphod on the shoulder and pointed at the rear screen. Clear in the distance behind them two silver darts were climbing through the atmosphere towards the ship. A quick change of magnification brought them into close focustwo massively real rockets thundering through the sky. The suddenness of it was shocking.
I think theyre going to have a very good try at applying to us, said Ford.
Zaphod stared at them in astonishment.
Hey this is terrific! he said. Someone down there is trying to kill us!
Terrific, said Arthur.
But dont you see what this means?
Yes. Were going to die.
Yes, but apart from that.
Apart from that?
It means we must be on to something!
How soon can we get off it?
Second by second the image of the missiles on the screen became larger. They had swung round now on to a direct homing course so that all that could be seen of them now was the warheads, head on.