Five wild Event Maelstroms swirled in vicious storms of unreason and spewed up a pavement.
On the pavement lay Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent gulping like half-spent fish.
There you are, gasped Ford, scrabbling for a fingerhold on the pavement as it raced through the Third Reach of the Unknown, I told you Id think of something.
Oh sure, said Arthur, sure.
Bright idea of mine, said Ford, to find a passing spaceship and get rescued by it.
The real universe arched sickeningly away beneath them. Various pretend ones flitted silently by, like mountain goats. Primal light exploded, splattering space-time as with gobbets of junket. Time blossomed, matter shrank away. The highest prime number coalesced quietly in a corner and hid itself away for ever.
Oh come off it, said Arthur, the chances against it were astronomical.
Dont knock it, it worked, said Ford.
What sort of ship are we in? asked Arthur as the pit of eternity yawned beneath them.
I dont know, said Ford, I havent opened my eyes yet.
No, nor have I, said Arthur.
The Universe jumped, froze, quivered and splayed out in several unexpected directions.
Arthur and Ford opened their eyes and looked about in considerable surprise.
Good god, said Arthur, it looks just like the sea front at Southend.
Hell, Im relieved to hear you say that, said Ford.
Why?
Because I thought I must be going mad.
Perhaps you are. Perhaps you only thought I said it.
Ford thought about this.
Well, did you say it or didnt you? he asked.
I think so, said Arthur.
Well, perhaps were both going mad.
Yes, said Arthur, wed be mad, all things considered, to think this was Southend.
Well, do you think this is Southend?
Oh yes.
So do I.
Therefore we must be mad.
Nice day for it.
Yes, said a passing maniac.
Who was that? asked Arthur
Whothe man with the five heads and the elderberry bush full of kippers?
Yes.
I dont know. Just someone.
Ah.
They both sat on the pavement and watched with a certain unease as huge children bounced heavily along the sand and wild horses thundered through the sky taking fresh supplies of reinforced railings to the Uncertain
Areas.
You know, said Arthur with a slight cough, if this is Southend, theres something very odd about it
You mean the way the sea stays steady and the buildings keep washing up and down? said Ford. Yes I thought that was odd too. In fact, he continued as with a huge bang Southend split itself into six equal segments which danced and span giddily round each other in lewd and licentious formation, there is something altogether very strange going on.
Wild yowling noises of pipes and strings seared through the wind, hot doughnuts popped out of the road for ten pence each, horrid fish stormed out of the sky and Arthur and Ford decided to make a run for it.
They plunged through heavy walls of sound, mountains of archaic thought, valleys of mood music, bad shoe sessions and footling bats and suddenly heard a girls voice.
It sounded quite a sensible voice, but it just said, Two to the power of one hundred thousand to one against and falling, and that was all.
Ford skidded down a beam of light and span round trying to find a source for the voice but could see nothing he could seriously believe in.
What was that voice? shouted Arthur.
I dont know, yelled Ford, I dont know. It sounded like a measurement of probability.
Probability? What do you mean?
Probability. You know, like two to one, three to one, five to four against. It said two to the power of one hundred thousand to one against. Thats pretty improbable you know.
A million-gallon vat of custard upended itself over them without warning.
But what does it mean? cried Arthur.
What, the custard?
No, the measurement of probability!
I dont know. I dont know at all. I think were on some kind of spaceship.
I can only assume, said Arthur, that this is not the first-class compartment.
Bulges appeared in the fabric of space-time. Great ugly bulges.
Haaaauuurrgghhh said Arthur as he felt his body softening and bending in unusual directions. Southend seems to be melting away the stars are swirling a dustbowl my legs are drifting off into the sunset my left arms come off too. A frightening thought struck him: Hell, he said, how am I going to operate my digital watch now? He wound his eyes desperately around in Fords direction.
Ford, he said, youre turning into a penguin. Stop it.
Again came the voice.
Two to the power of seventy-five thousand to one against and falling.
Ford waddled around his pond in a furious circle.
Hey, who are you, he quacked. Where are you? Whats going on and is there any way of stopping it?
Please relax, said the voice pleasantly, like a stewardess in an airliner with only one wing and two engines one of which is on fire, you are perfectly safe.
But thats not the point! raged Ford. The point is that I am now a perfectly save penguin, and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs!
Its alright, Ive got them back now, said Arthur.
Two to the power of fifty thousand to one against and falling, said the voice.