The Vogon stared down at him as sluggish thoughts moiled around in the murky depths.
Yeah, he said, but now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy. Except he thought again, which required looking at the ceilingexcept some of the shouting I quite like. He filled his lungs and bellowed, Resistance is
Sure, yes, interrupted Ford hurriedly, youre good at that, I can tell. But if its mostly lousy, he said, slowly giving the words time to reach their mark, then why do you do it? What is it? The girls? The leather? The machismo? Or do you just find that coming to terms with the mindless tedium of it all presents an interesting challenge?
Er said the guard, er er I dunno. I think I just sort of do it really. My aunt said that spaceship guard was a good career for a young Vogonyou know, the uniform, the lowslung stun ray holster, the mindless tedium
There you are Arthur, said Ford with the air of someone reaching the conclusion of his argument, you think youve got problems.
Arthur rather thought he had. Apart from the unpleasant business with his home planet the Vogon guard had half-throttled him already and he didnt like the sound of being thrown into space very much.
Try and understand his problem, insisted Ford. Here he is poor lad, his entire lifes work is stamping around, throwing people off spaceships
And shouting, added the guard.
And shouting, sure, said Ford patting the blubbery arm clamped round his neck in friendly condescension, and he doesnt even know why hes doing it!
Arthur agreed this was very sad. He did this with a small feeble gesture, because he was too asphyxicated to speak.
Deep rumblings of bemusement came from the guard.
Well. Now you put it like that I suppose
Good lad! encouraged Ford.
But alright, went on the rumblings, so whats the alternative?
Well, said Ford, brightly but slowly, stop doing it of course! Tell them, he went on, youre not going to do it anymore. He felt he had to add something to that, but for the moment the guard seemed to have his mind occupied pondering that much.
Eerrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm said the guard, erm, well that doesnt sound that great to me.
Ford suddenly felt the moment slipping away.
Now wait a minute, he said, thats just the start you see, theres more to it than that you see
But at that moment the guard renewed his grip and continued his original purpose of lugging his prisoners to the airlock. He was obviously quite touched.
No, I think if its all the same to you, he said, Id better get you both shoved into this airlock and then go and get on with some other bits of shouting Ive got to do.
It wasnt all the same to Ford Prefect after all.
Come on now but look! he said, less slowly, less brightly.
Huhhhhgggggggnnnnnnn said Arthur without any clear inflection.
But hang on, pursued Ford, theres music and art and things to tell you about yet! Arrrggghhh!
Resistance is useless, bellowed the guard, and then added, You see if I keep it up I can eventually get promoted to Senior Shouting Officer, and there arent usually many vacancies for non-shouting and non-pushing-people-about officers, so I think Id better stick to what I know.
They had now reached the airlock-a large circular steel hatchway of massive strength and weight let into the inner skin of the craft. The guard operated a control and the hatchway swung smoothly open.
But thanks for taking an interest, said the Vogon guard. Bye now. He flung Ford and Arthur through the hatchway into the small chamber within. Arthur lay panting for breath. Ford scrambled round and flung his shoulder uselessly against the reclosing hatchway.
But listen, he shouted to the guard, theres a whole world you dont know anything about here how about this? Desperately he grabbed for the only bit of culture he knew offhandhe hummed the first bar of Beethovens Fifth.
Da da da dum! Doesnt that stir anything in you?
No, said the guard, not really. But Ill mention it to my aunt.
If he said anything
further after that it was lost. The hatchway sealed itself tight, and all sound was lost but the faint distant hum of the ships engines.
They were in a brightly polished cylindrical chamber about six feet in diameter and ten feet long.
Potentially bright lad I thought, he said and slumped against the curved wall.
Arthur was still lying in the curve of the floor where he had fallen. He didnt look up. He just lay panting.
Were trapped now arent we?
Yes, said Ford, were trapped.
Well didnt you think of anything? I thought you said you were going to think of something. Perhaps you thought of something and didnt notice.
Oh yes, I thought of something, panted Ford. Arthur looked up expectantly.
But unfortunately, continued Ford, it rather involved being on the other side of this airtight hatchway. He kicked the hatch theyd just been through.
But it was a good idea was it?
Oh yes, very neat.
What was it?
Well I hadnt worked out the details yet. Not much point now is there?
So er, what happens next?
Oh, er, well the hatchway in front of us will open automatically in a few moments and we will shoot out into deep space I expect and asphyxicate. If you take a lungful of air with you you can last for up to thirty seconds of course said Ford. He stuck his hands behind his back, raised his eyebrows and started to hum an old Betelgeusian battle hymn. To Arthurs eyes he suddenly looked very alien.