Great guys, said Ford. Theyre the best cooks and the best drink mixers and they dont give a wet slap about anything else. And theyll always help hitchhikers aboard, partly because they like the company, but mostly because it annoys the Vogons. Which is exactly the sort of thing you need to know if youre an impoverished hitch hiker trying to see the marvels of the Universe for less than thirty Altairan Dollars a day. And thats my job. Fun, isnt it?
Arthur looked lost.
Its amazing, he said and frowned at one of the other mattresses.
Unfortunately I got stuck on the Earth for rather longer than I intended, said Ford. I came for a week and got stuck for fifteen years.
But how did you get there in the first place then?
Easy, I got a lift with a teaser.
A teaser?
Yeah.
Er, what is
A teaser? Teasers are usually rich kids with nothing to do. They cruise around looking for planets which havent made interstellar contact yet and buzz them.
Buzz them? Arthur began to feel that Ford was enjoying making life difficult for him.
Yeah, said Ford, they buzz them. They find some isolated spot with very few people around, then land right by some poor soul whom no ones ever going to believe and then strut up and down in front of him wearing silly antennae on their heads and making beep beep noises. Rather childish really. Ford leant back on the mattress with his hands behind his head and looked infuriatingly pleased with himself.
Ford, insisted Arthur, I dont know if this sounds like a silly question, but what am I doing here?
Well you know that, said Ford. I rescued you from the Earth.
And whats happened to the Earth?
Ah. Its been demolished.
Has it, said Arthur levelly.
Yes. It just boiled away into space.
Look, said Arthur, Im a bit upset about that.
Ford frowned to himself and seemed to roll the thought around his mind.
Yes, I can understand that, he said at last.
Understand that! shouted Arthur. Understand that!
Ford sprang up.
Keep looking at the book! he hissed urgently.
What?
Dont Panic.
Im not panicking!
Yes you are.
Alright so Im panicking, what else is there to do?
You just come along with me and have a good time. The Galaxys a fun place. Youll need to have this fish in your ear.
I beg your pardon? asked Arthur, rather politely he thought.
Ford was holding up a small glass jar which quite clearly had a small yellow fish wriggling around in it. Arthur blinked at him. He wished there was something simple and recognizable
he could grasp hold of. He would have felt safe if alongside the Dentrassi underwear, the piles of Squornshellous mattresses and the man from Betelgeuse holding up a small yellow fish and offering to put it in his ear he had been able to see just a small packet of corn flakes. He couldnt, and he didnt feel safe.
Suddenly a violent noise leapt at them from no source that he could identify. He gasped in terror at what sounded like a man trying to gargle whilst fighting off a pack of wolves.
Shush! said Ford. Listen, it might be important.
Im important?
Its the Vogon captain making an announcement on the Tannoy.
You mean thats how the Vogons talk?
Listen!
But I cant speak Vogon!
You dont need to. Just put that fish in your ear.
Ford, with a lightning movement, clapped his hand to Arthurs ear, and he had the sudden sickening sensation of the fish slithering deep into his aural tract. Gasping with horror he scrabbled at his ear for a second or so, but then slowly turned goggle-eyed with wonder. He was experiencing the aural equivalent of looking at a picture of two black silhouetted faces and suddenly seeing it as a picture of a white candlestick. Or of looking at a lot of coloured dots on a piece of paper which suddenly resolve themselves into the figure six and mean that your optician is going to charge you a lot of money for a new pair of glasses.
He was still listening to the howling gargles, he knew that, only now it had taken on the semblance of perfectly straightforward English.
This is what he heard
Chapter 6
Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace for the journey to Barnards Star. On arrival we will stay in dock for a seventy-two hour refit, and no ones to leave the ship during that time. I repeat, all planet leave is cancelled. Ive just had an unhappy love affair, so I dont see why anybody else should have a good time. Message ends.
The noise stopped.
Arthur discovered to his embarrassment that he was lying curled up in a small ball on the floor with his arms wrapped round his head. He smiled weakly.
Charming man, he said. I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry one
You wouldnt need to, said Ford. Theyve got as much sex appeal as a road accident. No, dont move, he added as Arthur began to uncurl himself, youd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. Its unpleasantly like being drunk.
Whats so unpleasant about being drunk?
You ask a glass of water.
Arthur thought about this.
Ford, he said.
Yeah?
Whats this fish doing in my ear?
Its translating for you. Its a Babel fish. Look it up in the book if you like.