For once Levi didnt have anything to say. He set his sandwich down, too, and pushed both hands through his wispy blond hair. His hair was made of finer stuff than Caths. Silk. Down. Blown-out dandelion seeds.
Cath, he said. Im so sorry.
She wasnt quite sure what he was apologizing for. He looked up at her, from the top of his eyes, looking genuinely sorryand sorry for her. It was just a kiss, he said, pleating his forehead.
Which one? she asked.
Levi pushed his hands to the back of his head, and his bangs fell loose. Both of them.
Cath took a deep, shaky breath and let it break out through her nose. Right, she said. That is, um good information to have.
I didnt think
Levi. She cut him off and looked him straight in the eye, trying to look stern despite her tears. I cant thank you enough for bringing me here. But I couldnt mean this more: Id like it if you left now. I dont just kiss people. Kisses arent just with me. Thats why Ive been avoiding you. Thats why Id like to avoid you now. Okay?
Cath
The door buzzed, and a nurse stepped through it, wearing flowered scrubs. She smiled at Levi. You guys want to come back now?
Cath stood up and grabbed her bag. She looked at Levi. Please. And then she followed the nurse.
* * *
Levi was gone when Cath came back to the lobby.
She took a cab to her dads office to get his car. It was full of fast-food wrappers and crumpled-up ideas. When she got home, she did the dishes and texted Wren.
Cath didnt feel like calling. She didnt feel like saying, Hey, you were right. Hes all drugged up and probably wont come out of it for a few days, and theres no real reason for you to come homeunless you just cant stand the idea of him going through this alone. But he wont be alone, because Ill be here.
Her dad hadnt done laundry for a while. The steps to the basement were covered with dirty clothes, like hed just been throwing stuff down there for a few weeks.
She started a load of laundry.
She threw out pizza boxes with desiccated slices of pizza.
There was a poem painted on the bathroom mirror with toothpastemaybe it was a poem, maybe it was just words. It was lovely, so Cath took a photo with her phone before she wiped it clean.
Any one of these things would have tipped them off if theyd been at home.
They looked out for him.
Theyd find him sitting in his car in the middle of the night, filling page after page with ideas that didnt quite make sense, and theyd lead him back inside.
Theyd see him skip dinner; theyd count the cups of coffee. Theyd notice the zeal in his voice.
And theyd try to rein him back in.
Usually it worked. Seeing that they were scared terrified their dad. Hed go to bed and sleep for fifteen hours. Hed make an appointment with his counselor. Hed try the meds again, even if they all knew it wouldnt stick.
I cant think when Im on them, hed told Cath one night. She was sixteen, and shed come downstairs to check the front door and found it unlockedand then shed inadvertently locked him out. Her dad had been sitting outside on the steps, and it scared her half to death when he rang the doorbell.
They slow your brain down, he said, clutching an orange bottle of pills. They iron out all the wrinkles. Maybe all the bad stuff happens in the wrinkles, but all the good stuff does, too.
They break your brain like a horse, so it takes all your orders. I need a brain that can break away, you know? I need to think. If I cant think, who am I?
It wasnt so bad when he got lots of sleep. When he ate the eggs they made him for breakfast. When he didnt work straight through three weekends in a row.
A little manic was okay. A little manic made him happy and productive and charismatic. Clients would eat awesome straight out of his hands.
She and Wren had gotten good at watching him. At noticing when a little manic slid into a lot. When charismatic gave way to crazed. When the twinkle in his eyes turned
into a burnt-out flash.
Cath stayed up until three oclock that morning, cleaning up his messes. If she and Wren had been here, they would have seen this coming. They would have stopped it.
* * *
The next day, Cath took her laptop to St. Richards with her. She had thirty-one hours to write her short story. She could e-mail it to Professor Piper; that would be okay.
Wren finally texted her back. are you here? psych final tomorrow. right?
They had the same pychology professor but were in different classes.
ill have to miss it, Cath typed.
NOT ACCEPTABLE, Wren replied.
NOT LEAVING DAD ALONE, Cath texted back.
email the professor, maybe hell let you make it up.
ok.
email him. and ill talk to him.
ok. Cath couldnt bring herself to say thanks. Wren should be missing that final, too.
Her dad woke up around noon and ate mashed potatoes with yellow gravy. She could tell he was angryangry that he was there and angry that he was too groggy for any of his anger to rise to the top.
There was a TV in his room, and Cath found a Gilmore Girls rerun. Their dad always used to watch Gilmore Girls with them; he had a crush on Sookie. Caths computer kept falling asleep in her lap, so she finally set it down, and leaned on his bed to watch TV.