Sorry, Mother, I cant hear; found what, where?
A dead body, dear, in his bath.
What? no, no, we havent finished. Please dont cut us off. Hullo! Hullo! Is that you, Mother? Hullo! Mother! Oh, yes sorry, the girl was trying to cut us off. What sort of body?
A dead man, dear, with nothing on but a pair of pince-nez. Mrs. Throgmorton positively blushed when she was telling me. Im afraid people do get a little narrow-minded in country vicarages.
Well, it sounds a bit unusual. Was it anybody he knew?
No, dear, I dont think so, but, of course, he couldnt give her many details. She said he sounded quite distracted. Hes such a respectable little man and having the police in the house and so on, really worried him.
Poor little Thipps! Uncommonly awkward for him. Lets see, he lives in Battersea, doesnt he?
Yes, dear; 59, Queen Caroline Mansions; opposite the Park. That big block just round the corner from the Hospital. I thought perhaps youd like to run round and see him and ask if theres anything we can do. I always thought him a nice little man.
Oh, quite, said Lord Peter, grinning at the telephone. The Duchess was always of the greatest assistance to his hobby of criminal investigation, though she never alluded to it, and maintained a polite fiction of its non-existence.
What time did it happen, Mother?
I think he found it early this morning, but, of course, he didnt think of telling the Throgmortons just at first. She came up to me just before lunch so tiresome, I had to ask her to stay. Fortunately, I was alone. I dont mind being bored myself, but I hate having my guests bored.
Poor old Mother! Well, thanks awfully for tellin me. I think Ill send Bunter to the sale and toddle round to Battersea now an try and console the poor little beast. So-long.
Good-bye, dear.
Bunter!
Yes, my lord.
Her Grace tells me that a respectable Battersea architect has discovered a dead man in his bath.
Indeed, my lord? Thats very gratifying.
Very, Bunter. Your choice of words is unerring. I wish Eton and Balliol had done as much for me. Have you found the catalogue?
Here it is, my lord.
Thanks. I am going to Battersea at once. I want you to attend the sale for me. Dont lose time I dont want to miss the Folio Dante nor the de Voragine here you are see? Golden Legend Wynkyn de Worde, 1493 got that? and, I say, make a special effort for the Caxton folio of the Four Sons of Aymon its the 1489 folio and unique. Look! Ive marked the lots I want, and put my outside offer against each. Do your best for me. I shall be back to dinner.
Very good, my lord.
Take my cab and tell him to hurry. He may for you; he doesnt like me very much. Can I, said Lord Peter, looking at himself in the eighteenth-century mirror over the mantelpiece, can I have the heart to fluster the flustered Thipps further thats very difficult to say quickly by appearing in a top-hat and frock-coat? I think not. Ten to one he will overlook my trousers and mistake me for the undertaker. A grey suit, I fancy, neat but not gaudy, with a hat to tone, suits my other self better. Exit the amateur of first editions; new motive introduced by solo bassoon; enter Sherlock Holmes, disguised as a walking gentleman. There goes Bunter. Invaluable fellow never offers to do his job when youve told him to do somethin else. Hope he doesnt miss the Four Sons of Aymon. Still, there is another copy of that in the Vatican. It might become available, you never know if the Church of Rome went to pot or Switzerland invaded Italy whereas a strange corpse doesnt turn up in a suburban bathroom more than once in a lifetime at least, I should think not at any rate, the number of times its happened, with a pince-nez, might be counted on the fingers of one hand, I imagine. Dear me! its a dreadful mistake to ride two hobbies at once.
He had drifted across the passage into his bedroom, and was changing with a rapidity one might not have expected from a man of his mannerisms. He selected a dark-green tie to match his socks and tied it accurately without hesitation or the slightest compression of his lips; substituted a pair of brown shoes for his black ones, slipped a monocle into a breast pocket, and took up a beautiful Malacca walking-stick with a heavy silver knob.
Thats all, I think, he murmured to himself. Stay I may as well have you you may come in useful one never knows. He added a flat silver matchbox to his equipment, glanced at his watch, and seeing that it was already a quarter to three, ran briskly downstairs, and, hailing a taxi, was carried to Battersea Park.
Mr. Alfred Thipps was a small, nervous man, whose flaxen hair was beginning to abandon the unequal struggle with destiny. One might say that his only really marked feature was a large bruise over the left eyebrow, which gave him a faintly dissipated air incongruous with the rest of his appearance. Almost in the same breath with his first greeting, he made a self-conscious apology for it, murmuring something about having run against the dining-room door in the dark. He was touched almost to tears by Lord Peters thoughtfulness and condescension in calling.
Im sure its most kind of your lordship, he repeated for the dozenth time, rapidly blinking his weak little eyelids. I appreciate it very deeply, very deeply, indeed, and so would Mother, only shes so deaf, I dont like to trouble you with making her understand. Its been very hard all day, he added, with the policemen in the house and all this commotion. Its what Mother and me have never been used to, always living very retired, and its most distressing to a man of regular habits, my lord, and reely, Im almost thankful Mother doesnt understand, for Im sure it would worry her terribly if she was to know about it. She was upset at first, but shes made up some idea of her own about it now, and Im sure its all for the best.
The old lady who sat knitting by the fire nodded grimly in response to a look from her son.
I always said as you ought to complain about that bath, Alfred, she said suddenly, in the high, piping voice peculiar to the deaf, and its to be oped the landlordll see about it now; not but what I think you might have managed without having the police in, but there! you always were one to make a fuss about a little thing, from chicken-pox up.
There now, said Mr. Thipps apologetically, you see how it is. Not but what its just as well shes settled on that, because she understands weve locked up the bathroom and dont try to go in there. But its been a terrible shock to me, sir my lord, I should say, but there! my nerves are all to pieces. Such a thing has never appened happened to me in all my born days. Such a state I was in this morning I didnt know if I was on my head or my heels I reely didnt, and my heart not being too strong, I hardly knew how to get out of that horrid room and telephone for the police. Its affected me, sir, its affected me, it reely has I couldnt touch a bit of breakfast, nor lunch neither, and what with telephoning and putting off clients and interviewing people all morning, Ive hardly known what to do with myself.
Im sure it must have been uncommonly distressin, said Lord Peter, sympathetically, especially comin like that before breakfast. Hate anything tiresome happenin before breakfast. Takes a man at such a confounded disadvantage, what?
Thats just it, thats just it, said Mr. Thipps, eagerly. When I saw that dreadful thing lying there in my bath, mother-naked, too, except for a pair of eyeglasses, I assure you, my lord, it regularly turned my stomach, if youll excuse the expression. Im not very strong, sir, and I get that sinking feeling sometimes in the morning, and what with one thing and another I ad had to send the girl for a stiff brandy, or I dont know what mightnt have happened. I felt so queer, though Im anything but partial to spirits as a rule. Still, I make it a rule never to be without brandy in the house, in case of emergency, you know?